Harder Better Faster Stronger

So, this weekend I braved a nasty chest cold to run in the Ithaca 5 and 10.  I probably should have skipped it, but I had been planning on running this race for months and had already paid my entrance fee so I was determined to run.  And I am glad I did push through and do it.  It certainly wasn't easy, but I did it.

I ended up with a 5 mile time of 51:32, averaging 10:19 a mile.  Not the greatest, but at least somewhat respectable, especially considering I was still feeling sick.  So, I'll take it. It'll give me a benchmark to work with for my next race.  That one's going to be a trail run, which I always enjoy.

I think I like running because so much of it is based on willpower and endurance.  I've never been the fastest person, but I have the ability to just keep pushing along. I was talking to my daughter about long distance running and I couldn't give better advice other than to just say, "You just keep running."  It's so simplistic, but it's really all I do.

I think about this because I have a lot on my plate in my personal life and I have a lot of obstacles coming up.  I guess I need to put my advice for running to heart and utilize it in life. No matter what comes my way I'm just going to have to tap into that stamina and keep running.

Welcome to Shawshank

So, to backtrack to a week ago, I recently got back from a mini vacation to Ocean City. On the way down, we took a few hours to stop in Philadelphia to check out a place I've wanted to visit for years, Eastern State Penitentiary

 This behemoth was actually right in the middle of a very pleasant residential district.  Just imagine waking up to that every morning...  It even had a school and playground right next door.  Awesome. I also was impressed with the fact that I got free parking.  In fact, I was very impressed by Philadelphia in general.  I know I missed out on the skeevier areas, but the parts I saw were beautiful, the traffic is workable and I just felt a good vibe from the city in general.  For some odd reason it kind of felt like a place I could come home to.  

But my main goal was the prison.  I came to Eastern State Penitentiary hoping for lots of decay and general creepiness and I'm happy to say it did not disappoint.  

Death Row

We took the self guided tour, which was narrated by none other than Steve Buscemi.  Another point added for awesomeness...  Although they have a recommended starting point, it's not really necessary and there's just so much to wander around and explore.    As you hit different markers, you have the option to listen to clips about the history of the prison, the architecture, some of the famous inmates and such. They also have scheduled mini-tours where a guide will talk more in depth about different sections of the prison, including a tour of the pit where they kept the worst prisoners in solitary.


I also liked the art installations. While we were there, they had put in a series of stained glass windows called "The Battle of Carnival and Lent" by Judith Schaechter.  Very creepy, yet beautiful. It was nice to suddenly come upon something like this unexpectedly.  It is so easy to spend hours here.

Not only that, it managed to entertain two 13 year old girls, which is high praise, indeed. I think their main interest was more in the creepiness factor (I admit it, so was mine), but they did seem to take a real interest in actually learning about the prison.  I was pleasantly surprised to see the one area that captured their interest the most was a presentation about the lives of transgender prisoners and the difficulties they face. They were quite touched by it. It made me realize how far we have come in our society (though we still have a long way to go) that our children are able to learn about things that not long ago was not even talked about, much less accepted.

And I got to see the main thing I came for. Al Capone's cell.

The guide told us that his bodyguard was housed right next door.  I guess being rich doesn't hurt too badly when you're in prison.

Overall, it more than met my expectations and was able to get my fill of creepy prison photos.  Jaime is already talking about a return trip to take the Terror Behind the Walls tour for Halloween.  It does sound tempting...

To Have Me Crystalised

September is generally a maudlin month for me already, so I suppose I'm dwelling a lot on the past. One of the things I didn't realize about divorce for a long time was that I needed to mourn for my marriage.  It's a stage I ignored because I was the one who chose to leave, so in my mind it didn't occur to me to be anything other than grateful to finally be out.  And everyone was so happy for me, I should be happy.

And I was happy.  I now have the freedom to make so many decisions that I didn't have for years. I can choose to live my life any way I want. It's a wonderful thing.  I certainly don't regret leaving and I know I did what I needed to do.  At the same time, I feel regret over a lot of things. I'm the type of person that likes to fix things. And I married someone who was damaged and spent well over a decade trying to fix that damage.   I married my husband believing it was forever, believing that I could somehow find a way to make it work and as the years went on, constantly trying to keep things smooth wore on me and eventually caused me to shut down. To just shut out all the pain and focus on just making it through the day.  I look back at all those years and think of all the time I spent trying to keep things together and I feel such a sense of regret.  Then guilt, because I should have left so long ago. But I stayed out of love and out of hope that things would change.  If I just tried a little harder, things would get better.  I pushed myself to be as good as I could be and it was so draining. I don't know how I made it through sometimes when I look back.

And that's where people get confused. I hear that question so many times about why I stayed as long as I did. I hear the judgement in it and it is so painful.  I don't know if I have a better answer than you can't understand unless you live through it.  As hard as staying is, leaving is so much harder. And staying gone is even harder than that.  It doesn't make sense to people outside of it, I know. What I can say is that as terrible as things got, I knew how to survive.  And survival took a lot of energy and a lot of focus. Living in the storm, it's hard to see anything beyond it. It's only afterwards, that you're able to survey the damage left behind.

When I left my marriage, I left a dream of a life I wanted and tried so hard to have. And that dream died.  I still at times feel like a failure for not being able to do better. Whether it's right or wrong, I went in to marriage with the intentions of being married forever.  Of raising a family and building a home.  And I tried so hard to make it happen.  I felt it was my responsibility to make it work.  I can see now that it really wasn't all on me, but it's still hard for me to not feel guilt.  I'm trying, though.

Maybe the sun will shine today

So, after three days away for a mini vacation, I have returned home right when everyone else is going away for Labor Day. I'm weird in that I work a lot on weekends when everyone else is usually off. This is a good thing in that I get to do a whole lot of errands during the week and I also get needed alone time during when my daughter (finally) returns to school next week.  On the other side, I'm also usually working while everyone else is doing cool stuff.  However, taking a midweek vacation right before Labor Day was a financial plus.  I also got a beachfront hotel to stay at for dirt cheap.  Thanks, Priceline!

And believe me, I need a vacation.  Going through divorce is stressful enough, but piled on with financial stress, work stress, personal stress, relationship stress, family stress, insane chasing my insane escape artist dogs down the street stress, etc... I really was about ready to rip my hair out.  I was feeling a huge urge to just GET AWAY. Get away from everything and everyone, even if it was just for a few days.  I just needed to escape. Get somewhere where I could quiet my mind and focus on something, anything other than all the troubles I've been through.  My mother was good enough to help me out and essentially pay the costs of the vacation, for which I cannot thank her enough.

Did it work? I guess for a few days it did.  Standing on the edge of the beach and watching the waves is very calming and I did get a chance to clear my mind at least for a while.

So, even a few days peace was worth it.  At the same time, peace never lasts. The closer I got home last night, I could feel the weight of all my troubles returning.  I hope my time away at least buoys me through a lot of dark times ahead.

Once more into the breach...

So, after a long absence outside of my To Do list, I've decided to try writing again as a method of internet therapy.  Here's why. I've been through a lot of major changes over the past year and I thought maybe writing about it would be a good way to keep me on track through a lot of difficult tasks ahead of me.  Those of you who know me probably already know quite a bit about it. For those of you who don't, you probably here to check out my Willard State Hospital posts...http://samporiffic.blogspot.com/2009/05/and-what-did-you-do-this-weekend.html So, Hi. Welcome.

The number one change was that last December I left my husband, much to the joy of my friends and family. Simply put, he was an ass.  An emotionally abusive ass.  I was not in a good place with him and I was treated pretty badly by him for the entirety of our marriage. However, better the devil you know than the devil you don't, so the act of leaving was not exactly a simple task.  But, after 13 years, I did.  I'm broke, I have a crazy low paying job, a rundown car, my kitchen sink is leaking like a sieve and I am now a single mother of one surly teenager and three insane dogs. I worry every day about how I'm going to make it through to the next. I've had to grovel and accept help from people, which I hate.  But at the same time, I need to count my blessings and remember to use the support that I have.  I'm going to need it.

Leaving was hard. Staying gone is even harder. Nobody understands unless you've been through it. And it took so much for me to just stay out and make it through the days, I kind of lost sight of rebuilding my future. Well, now it's time to take action. Step one is this morning, I'm going to see a lawyer to start talking about drawing up some real legal paperwork. It is absolutely terrifying.  I know it's supposed to be an empowering moment all about "taking back my life", but it is also scary as hell.  I've spent years asleep. I spent months after leaving just trying to put myself back together and now that it's time for action I can only hope that I did a good enough job of it to push me through these next steps, so I don't break apart.

Wish me luck.

To Do, Everyday

So, I read this post on Sean Bonner's blog about a month ago, To Do, Everyday and it inspired me to think about things I would like to do for myself that will make me happy.  I spend a lot of time thinking about work, family, other people's needs, responsibilities and things I have to do, etc...  I forget to focus on things I want to do.  The idea of a simple list to remind myself of little ways to make myself was intriguing.  And of course, this took a back burner to the responsibilities of life.  But here I am on a lovely day, looking for the perfect reason to  avoid mowing my lawn and here I am.  

• Get outside - Sometimes, it's just playing in the dirt (I can't call my poor skills actual gardening), or a walk around the neighborhood.  Jaime also really enjoys accompanying me on walks at night, which is a bonus. But I also love exploring some of the local woods and trails.  The spring weather is definitely has gotten me thinking about taking some interesting geocache excursions, as well.
• Read for enjoyment - I don't do this often enough.  I read a lot, but I tend to do it in spurts and barrel through books. Though some books, I purposely will stretch out when I really don't want it to end.  I've found that taking just a half hour to read is a nice mind clearer, though.  And there's no better feeling than sitting on the couch, cup of coffee in hand and immersed in a good story.
• Unplug - I think this is probably the most difficult task to follow through with, but when I do it I feel so good afterwards.  We're in a world so connected to such a wealth of information and instant communication, as well as gratification, I find myself more dependent on technology than I would have thought possible.  Getting away from it all helps me feel less fragmented.
• Socialize - As someone who tends to be an introvert, I actually have to actively think about this one.  Really.  Not that I don't like people, but it's a bit hard for me to initiate things.  So, I've been trying to get myself out of my comfort zone and be more social. It's had the benefit of helping me realize there's a lot of great people in my life that I get to spend time with, which makes me realize I am an exceptionally lucky person. 
• Zumba!   

In praise of the mixtape

So, recently I was listening to Pandora and an old song popped up on the radio that I hadn't heard in years. I probably wouldn't have recognized if it hadn't been a mixtape that a friend made for me well over a decade ago. Good lord I'm old... (And in case you were wondering, it was March of the Pigs by Nine Inch Nails.)

Anyway, this got me thinking about how this specific mixtape was filled with songs I didn't know, but really ended up opening me up to new music I probably wouldn't have discovered on my own... Which led me to thinking about mixtapes in general. Anyway, I really miss mixtapes. Thanks to the wonders of technology, the mixtape has been made obselete and that's sad. Sure, you can make a playlist for your MP3 player or burn a CD, but a mixtape is a labor of love.

Whenever I made a tape, I spent hours agonizing over it. The tape had to have a theme to start with, no matter how obscure. Then the songs had to relate to the person who'd be receiving the tape, what you already know they liked, what you think they should like, etc. The songs had to flow with each other and be a good mix of fast and slow, so you don't end up in a lull. Then it took even more planning to make sure you so you don't up with blank space and technical problems or annoying thuds when you switch between songs. So yeah, that was a lot of work. But I really enjoyed the process and the time I put into it.

And yes, I recognize that this same point was probably better expressed by John Cusack in High Fidelity, but it sure is true.

Tops never stops...

Misspelling signs.

The more things change, the more they stay the same

So I was slightly disappointed that Tops bought out the local P&C because I figured that would be the end to my catalogue of misspelled signs. I'm glad to see that my fears were unfounded...

Make my brain stop hurting...

I really do try not to get involved in political topics so I don't get myself in trouble... I really do. And I especially try to avoid anything Sarah Palin related because she's basically the political equivalent of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt.

But then I caught a post on reddit that mentioned that she told her supporters to stop people in their cars with Obama bumper stickers and ask them how that "hopey changey" thing is going for them. My first thought was that it just had to be a hoax. I mean really, why would anyone ask their supporters to do something so mind numbingly boneheaded? Then I checked it out. And it's true...
Palin inciting future road rage incidents...

Anyway, I'm going to ask some very serious questions right now. WHY? Why do people respect Sarah Palin's opinion? What is her appeal? I listen to her and I can't get past all the statements that make ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE or are just outright meanspirited and blatant attempts to troll for angry responses. And yeah, maybe I'm just adding fuel to the fire by feeding the trolls but I am genuinely confused why anyone would truly respect her. She has proven time and again that she has no idea what she is talking about. She has proven time and again that she will say practically ANYTHING to get more press. Why do people continue to support her? Seriously. Help me understand this cause I just don't get it...