24. What are you busy with today? Will this matter 1 year from now? 3 years? 5 years?

Good lord... How am I not busy lately? I feel like my life lately is filled with nothing but business. It's almost impossible to breathe sometimes. What am I busy with? A complete career change, planning for my financial stability and getting rid of my debts. Trying to be a good mother, a good daughter. Trying to navigate the maze that is my personal life.  I'm busy trying to make everything better, make myself better.

Will it matter years down the line? I suppose that depends on whether I'm making the right decisions right now. I hope I am. All I really want is to feel some stability. To feel safe that my choices are good ones. That I'm laying the ground work for a better life. One where I can feel like I've accomplished something and that I'm loved and I'm happy. I hope I'm on the right path, but I'm feeling a lot of doubts about whether some of the things I've chosen to put my faith in won't end up hurting me in the end.

I hope in a year from now I'll feel a bit more secure. I hope in three years, I'll have some accomplishments under my belt. I'm hoping by five, I'll have built a home and a life to be proud of. But I've had those hopes before and they didn't work out. I don't want to fail again. I don't want to think that the goals I'm working towards are just as illusory as my old goals were. I guess I'll have to wait and see.

23. Is there something you’re still holding on to? Is it time to let it go?

Wow, these questions never get easier, do they?  I'm odd in that I find it much easier to forgive other people than I do myself. I can let go of things very easily that people do to me and give them chance after chance after chance, but I don't provide myself that same privilege.  I can't let go of my own faults very easily, my own misconceptions and doubts about my abilities.

Here I am in what should be the prime of my life.  I've had an incredible streak of good fortune in the past few months and I still continue to wait for it all to disappear.  I can't trust in it. I live every day thinking something or someone is going to come along and take it away and tell me I'm not worthy of it.  It's a scary thought.  There is a part of me that knows I've earned some of the good things that come along, but I have to also admit that I need more reassurance that it's real.  I need to let go of my old beliefs that I'm not good enough.  I need reminders that I deserve good things in my life.  And for now, I'm pretty good at acting the part, at least, in hopes that I'll come to believe it.

Also, I suppose my ability to give people chances is often counterproductive.  I held on to the hope that I could make my marriage work much, much longer than I should of.  Holding on to that dream that if I just tried a little harder to be better I could fix it well beyond the point that a normal person would have ever done so. Even after I left, I never really left completely.  I still held onto that hope that we could somehow be friends and find some common ground. He told me that when I walked out, it woke him up.  It made him realize how badly he treated me all those years. He told me that he went to counseling to try to work on himself.  He wanted to be a better father, a better person.  He wanted to stay friends.  And I believed him.  I still fell into that trap of wanting to believe he could change and step up, be a better father to our daughter, be a better husband to his next wife.  Maybe he really understood what I went through all those years.  Maybe he was really sorry this time.  It took him taking my dog to the animal shelter and claiming I abandoned it to finally wake up and realize he was never going to change.  It was just a new type of lie and I fell for it all over again.

And I finally got angry.  Really, really angry. And I'm done.  I let the divorce process linger because I didn't want to rock the boat. I wanted us to find a way to come to some sort of agreement.  I wanted to make it easy for him. (After everything, I realize I was still trying to placate him!  I felt so stupid...) I wanted to wait because I didn't want him to get angry at me, because who knows what he'd do.  And I let my fears hold me back for almost TWO years of wasted time when I could've been free so long ago... I should have been divorced already.  I let him run my life and my decisions again.  And it wasn't until he went after my dog.  I said this before and I'll say it again, you don't fuck with someone's dog.  And I'm done.  I'm so done with being nice. I just want it all over.

So, please Dear Reader, if you see me backsliding...  If you see me trying to placate again... Slowing down and putting roadblocks in my way.  If I start making decisions on unfounded fears and "what ifs", stop me and shake me until I come to my senses.  Remind me to stay on the path and walk away from all those bad things in my past.  Thank you in advance...

22. If you are yourself 1 year from the future, how would you advise the you now?

This is an interesting question.  Because I don't know exactly where I'll be a year from now, but I hope it'll be a good place.  A year ago today, I was most definitely not in a good place.  But after awhile, I finally made some changes to take back control of my life and that's been a good thing.

So, now here I am venturing into the unknown. I'm hoping my future self in November 2014 is going to tell me to keep my chin up, all this hard work was worth it.  Look how great it's all turned out!  It all paid off!  I hope my letter will tell me that I was successful, that I got my finances in order, that I have a nice, new place to live that is completely my own to be proud of, that I've got a good life.  I hope FutureAlex says that I'm making better decisions now.  I hope FutureAlex tells me to stop moping and second guessing everything and that things really can work out.  I hope FutureAlex doesn't tell me about staying strong during problems, because I really don't want to have to work through more struggles, but I think at least if I do that this year I'll be better equipped to deal with them.

And most of all, I hope FutureAlex tells me that they'll finally have those flying cars we've all been waiting for... So, start saving your money for the down payment!

21. What advice would you give to yourself 3 years ago?

Three years ago...  It's not really that much time, but it seems so far away.  Which is odd when I feel like time is moving by so quickly at the same time.  Maybe all the changes over the past few years have just blurred everything.  In fact, I had to log onto Facebook just to remember exactly what was going on in 2010.  Thanks, Timeline!

So, back then I was still with my husband, still working at DSS, and Jaime was still in elementary school.  That was also the year I ended up with a litter of puppies, which of course also brought my greatest love into my life. Yes, I'm talking about the dog...

I mean come on...  Look at that face.  How can you not fall in love with that face?

So,  I got one excellent change out of 2010.  So, my first piece of advice to myself would have been, "Stick to your guns!  You're doing the right thing by keeping the dog! "

2010 was also interesting because I think at the time, I thought I was happier than I really was.  I was so  busy, so stressed out and caught up in the storms that I couldn't see clearly what was really going on in my life.  I wish I could have told 2010 Alex that the money wasn't worth it and that the stress was eventually going to bring me down so, get out while you still can.  I think it would have saved me a lot of trouble down the line.  I would have told myself that it's time to get the things that cause me stress out of my life and not keep myself so busy all the time.  Keeping busy just keeps you distracted because you're not giving yourself time to stop and think about what's really happening.

I would have told myself that I'm worth more than what I put up with. I would have said to let go.  I would have said that all the things I thought would've happened weren't real and that I'm strong enough to handle things on my own.  I would have told myself to have more faith that things could be different and the security I thought I had wasn't worth what I had to do in order to keep it.  I would have told myself that the real security is in taking matters into your own hands and that people will pick you up when you fall down.  I would have told myself that you're not as alone as you think you are.

And most of all, I would have told myself that no matter what happens, no matter how low you feel, things really do get a little better eventually.  So just suck it up and drive on.

20. What are the biggest things you’ve learned in life to date?

• A real martini is made with gin, not vodka.  I blame James Bond for this. 
• Your friends are way more understanding than you think of your faults. Chances are they probably know a lot more than you think despite your best attempts to hide your problems.
• I should have started saving for my future much earlier than I did.  That said, it's also never too late to start. 
• Not to be so hard on myself. 
• Always take lunch. Working without a break just burns you out. You need to take a break sometimes to refresh yourself and be more productive.  
• There's nothing wrong with wanting to spend time alone. It  doesn't make you weird and antisocial. 
• There's nothing wrong with doing something nice for yourself. It doesn't make you selfish. 
• Try new things, but also don't feel bad with going back to things you know that comfort you. 
• You can't change other people. And you can't take on their problems for them. There's a point where you just have to let that go and live your own life.
• My sense of humor has been the one thing that has gotten me through some of my worst times. That and Zumba. 
• There is only way to order a steak. Rare. Any other way is wrong. Very, very wrong.   
• Allow yourself to be happy about small things. 

19. What would you do today if there is no more tomorrow?

Hey wait, didn't I just answer this question over the course of a week?

Or at least that was my initial thought reading it.  Again?  I have to go through all that again?  Thinking of your potential demise is not the easiest thing in the world.  But then I thought about it further and I realized that maybe the point is now that I had to break things down like that, this question is no longer as daunting as it initially sounds.

Going through this exercise helps to clarify a lot.  Especially what's important and what's not in the grand scheme of things.  Yesterday at work I was really excited because I felt like I was making progress in my job.  Newly licensed, starting to make sales, getting a better handle on the product and meeting my goals. I felt really good.  But when it's broken down, it's not the sale that made me happy.  It's the accomplishment. I'm proud of the fact that I entered a brand new territory well out of my comfort zone and I am doing pretty well so far.  It makes me want to take more chances and try more things.  I want to be more open to new experiences.

But we're talking  about today right now...  Not tomorrow.  Well, mainly because the point of today's question is that tomorrow isn't there.  So, I know at least today I can look back and feel good about taking those steps to own my life and my decisions.  So that's a good thing.  I can make peace with the fact that I may have not accomplished everything I want to do, but the fact that I've started is most definitely a good thing.  So I can live with that if today is my last day.

I also want to make sure that I have a day where I'm surrounded by what makes me happy and who makes me happy.  That was pretty well spelled out already, but looking back I am glad to see that certain things I would do always pop up.  The first thing I always thought of was that I always wanted to do something special with the one person who is the most important person in my life.  And that's Jaime.  As much as she is in her obnoxious teenage years, she will always be my first priority even if she doesn't believe it.  (After all, in her mind, the fact that I refused to buy her $120 sneakers means I don't love her. And really $120 for SNEAKERS?  WHO DOES THAT?  The kid must be insane...)  It helped me identify my most basic needs.  And when it comes down to it, I just want to be around my friends, my family and my dog.  And I want to go out enjoying the things I like best.  Sounds pretty good to me...

17. and 18. If you had one hour left to live what would you do? One minute?

Hour

• Screw you, George R.R. Martin! I've been harassing you for a year now and got nothing.  I'm not wasting my last hour on you. (Unless he pulls through and then, thank you!) I'm going to spend my last hour with a Martini, my friends, family and my dog watching Doctor Who. 

Minute

• Hey...  Hey, you. Yeah you. I love you. Bye. 

15. and 16. If you have one week left to live, what would you do? One day?

One Week:

• I should probably get those lyrics to the Barenaked Ladies song down pat!  I've only got one week to sing "Gotta see the show, cause then you'll know the vertigo is gonna grow, 
  cause it's so dangerous, you'll have to sign a waiver" perfectly at karaoke.  That's a tough song to get the lyrics right on.
• Get Jaime in the car and let her pick the destination for our last road trip. It will of course, be food related.  I'm guessing she'll pick a drive to Brooklyn to get a roast beef sandwich at Brennan and Carr because she saw it on Man vs. Food and immediately texted me that we needed to go because she thinks it "looks like it tastes like love."  I understand perfectly what she's talking about when it comes to the ultimate meal...
• One last weekend to escape from everything.
• Finish those last books I've still got hanging.  
• Beg George R.R. Martin to tell me how the books end.

One day:

• One last walk in the woods with the dog.
• Filet mignon at Moretti's with my family.
• Probably lots of drinking.  Friends welcome.
• Beg George R.R. Martin to tell me how the books end.

14. If you have one month left to live, what would you do?

• Shave my head.  I've always been curious what I'd look like and it's just long enough for me to get an idea.
• Sing karaoke.  Never done that either and I have a feeling that I'd want to do it again once I tried it.
• Take Jaime to Germany to show her where she was born.  And of course, to get a doner kebab.
• The best vacation I ever spent was right before I joined the Army.  I got in my car with no destination in mind except that I was going to go south.   I also decided that I was only going to go places where I didn't know anyone because saying goodbye to everyone was getting draining. Every day I looked through my travel books and picked a new destination.  I want to do that again, except this time I'll go west.
• Throw a big party after I get back from said vacation.
• Make all my favorite foods one last time.  Guinness cake, spanikopita, pot roast, etc...
• Try to repair things with certain people.
• Tell others exactly how I feel on things I've been holding back on.
• Beg George R.R. Martin to tell me how the books end.

13. If you have one year left to live, what would you do?

• Take Jaime to Universal Studios so we could see Hogwarts together.
• Walk the Camino de Santiago
• Make sure my mom's house is fixed up and taken care of.
• Reconnect with the people I've let fall by the wayside.  Tell them I'm sorry.
• Spend a lot of time in the woods.
• Learn to play the guitar.
• Work at summer camp one more time.
• Read all the books I've been meaning to get to.
• Find the perfect Manhattan.
• Finish Skyrim!
• Beg George R.R. Martin to tell me how the books end.