Once more into the breach...

So, after a long absence outside of my To Do list, I've decided to try writing again as a method of internet therapy.  Here's why. I've been through a lot of major changes over the past year and I thought maybe writing about it would be a good way to keep me on track through a lot of difficult tasks ahead of me.  Those of you who know me probably already know quite a bit about it. For those of you who don't, you probably here to check out my Willard State Hospital posts...http://samporiffic.blogspot.com/2009/05/and-what-did-you-do-this-weekend.html So, Hi. Welcome.

The number one change was that last December I left my husband, much to the joy of my friends and family. Simply put, he was an ass.  An emotionally abusive ass.  I was not in a good place with him and I was treated pretty badly by him for the entirety of our marriage. However, better the devil you know than the devil you don't, so the act of leaving was not exactly a simple task.  But, after 13 years, I did.  I'm broke, I have a crazy low paying job, a rundown car, my kitchen sink is leaking like a sieve and I am now a single mother of one surly teenager and three insane dogs. I worry every day about how I'm going to make it through to the next. I've had to grovel and accept help from people, which I hate.  But at the same time, I need to count my blessings and remember to use the support that I have.  I'm going to need it.

Leaving was hard. Staying gone is even harder. Nobody understands unless you've been through it. And it took so much for me to just stay out and make it through the days, I kind of lost sight of rebuilding my future. Well, now it's time to take action. Step one is this morning, I'm going to see a lawyer to start talking about drawing up some real legal paperwork. It is absolutely terrifying.  I know it's supposed to be an empowering moment all about "taking back my life", but it is also scary as hell.  I've spent years asleep. I spent months after leaving just trying to put myself back together and now that it's time for action I can only hope that I did a good enough job of it to push me through these next steps, so I don't break apart.

Wish me luck.

To Do, Everyday

So, I read this post on Sean Bonner's blog about a month ago, To Do, Everyday and it inspired me to think about things I would like to do for myself that will make me happy.  I spend a lot of time thinking about work, family, other people's needs, responsibilities and things I have to do, etc...  I forget to focus on things I want to do.  The idea of a simple list to remind myself of little ways to make myself was intriguing.  And of course, this took a back burner to the responsibilities of life.  But here I am on a lovely day, looking for the perfect reason to  avoid mowing my lawn and here I am.  

• Get outside - Sometimes, it's just playing in the dirt (I can't call my poor skills actual gardening), or a walk around the neighborhood.  Jaime also really enjoys accompanying me on walks at night, which is a bonus. But I also love exploring some of the local woods and trails.  The spring weather is definitely has gotten me thinking about taking some interesting geocache excursions, as well.
• Read for enjoyment - I don't do this often enough.  I read a lot, but I tend to do it in spurts and barrel through books. Though some books, I purposely will stretch out when I really don't want it to end.  I've found that taking just a half hour to read is a nice mind clearer, though.  And there's no better feeling than sitting on the couch, cup of coffee in hand and immersed in a good story.
• Unplug - I think this is probably the most difficult task to follow through with, but when I do it I feel so good afterwards.  We're in a world so connected to such a wealth of information and instant communication, as well as gratification, I find myself more dependent on technology than I would have thought possible.  Getting away from it all helps me feel less fragmented.
• Socialize - As someone who tends to be an introvert, I actually have to actively think about this one.  Really.  Not that I don't like people, but it's a bit hard for me to initiate things.  So, I've been trying to get myself out of my comfort zone and be more social. It's had the benefit of helping me realize there's a lot of great people in my life that I get to spend time with, which makes me realize I am an exceptionally lucky person. 
• Zumba!   

In praise of the mixtape

So, recently I was listening to Pandora and an old song popped up on the radio that I hadn't heard in years. I probably wouldn't have recognized if it hadn't been a mixtape that a friend made for me well over a decade ago. Good lord I'm old... (And in case you were wondering, it was March of the Pigs by Nine Inch Nails.)

Anyway, this got me thinking about how this specific mixtape was filled with songs I didn't know, but really ended up opening me up to new music I probably wouldn't have discovered on my own... Which led me to thinking about mixtapes in general. Anyway, I really miss mixtapes. Thanks to the wonders of technology, the mixtape has been made obselete and that's sad. Sure, you can make a playlist for your MP3 player or burn a CD, but a mixtape is a labor of love.

Whenever I made a tape, I spent hours agonizing over it. The tape had to have a theme to start with, no matter how obscure. Then the songs had to relate to the person who'd be receiving the tape, what you already know they liked, what you think they should like, etc. The songs had to flow with each other and be a good mix of fast and slow, so you don't end up in a lull. Then it took even more planning to make sure you so you don't up with blank space and technical problems or annoying thuds when you switch between songs. So yeah, that was a lot of work. But I really enjoyed the process and the time I put into it.

And yes, I recognize that this same point was probably better expressed by John Cusack in High Fidelity, but it sure is true.

Tops never stops...

Misspelling signs.

The more things change, the more they stay the same

So I was slightly disappointed that Tops bought out the local P&C because I figured that would be the end to my catalogue of misspelled signs. I'm glad to see that my fears were unfounded...

Make my brain stop hurting...

I really do try not to get involved in political topics so I don't get myself in trouble... I really do. And I especially try to avoid anything Sarah Palin related because she's basically the political equivalent of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt.

But then I caught a post on reddit that mentioned that she told her supporters to stop people in their cars with Obama bumper stickers and ask them how that "hopey changey" thing is going for them. My first thought was that it just had to be a hoax. I mean really, why would anyone ask their supporters to do something so mind numbingly boneheaded? Then I checked it out. And it's true...
Palin inciting future road rage incidents...

Anyway, I'm going to ask some very serious questions right now. WHY? Why do people respect Sarah Palin's opinion? What is her appeal? I listen to her and I can't get past all the statements that make ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE or are just outright meanspirited and blatant attempts to troll for angry responses. And yeah, maybe I'm just adding fuel to the fire by feeding the trolls but I am genuinely confused why anyone would truly respect her. She has proven time and again that she has no idea what she is talking about. She has proven time and again that she will say practically ANYTHING to get more press. Why do people continue to support her? Seriously. Help me understand this cause I just don't get it...

Easter's on it's way...

It's been a while since I've posted any P&C signs... Sadly not because there hasn't been any (because there sure have been), but more out of my own laziness. Anyway, it's probably about time... Enjoy.

Every episode of House, as told by Jaime

1- The people get a patient.
2 - They think the patient is getting better.
3 - Boom! The patient almost dies.
4 - They either kill the patient or the patient is saved.

Exhaustion

So, my mother-in-law passed away on Monday, so it's been kinda bizarre. I did my semi-hibernation, but figure it's time to come back up for air, so here I am. Although Jimmy and I have been married over a decade now, I only met his mother a handful of times due to her living in Florida. It's a bit strange to mourn someone you mainly knew long distance. Overall, not the best of weeks...

It also brings up all sorts of unwanted memories of my own father's death, so I really wasn't prepared for that. I guess it's kind of selfish of me to feel that way, but I'm dealing with it. It's just tiring and I'm sick of being surrounded by death.

Anyway, it's time for me to de-stress by killing stuff on World of Warcraft. Ironic, isn't it? (well... that and kind of geeky, but I'm sure that's not a surprise to anyone...)

One year later...

So, today it has officially been one year since my dad died. The past two years have been the most difficult years of my life, first with Dad's cancer and his slow decline, then with the year after going through so many milestones... The first post-dad Christmas, birthday, Father's Day, etc... And it sucked. It really, really sucked. Words cannot express it.

Which is why I was so surprised to find myself waking up this morning actually feeling pretty good. I'm not sure why I feel good, but it was a pleasant surprise. Maybe it's because I made it through all those first milestones already and this was the last one. Either way, I'll just take the gift for what it is. I still miss my dad and still often feel angry that he's gone, but I guess that's just how it is. Either way, I'll toast to his memory.