Deep thoughts...

I'm starting to think of my daily horoscope app as more of a daily inspiration app. I'm not saying that I really believe horoscopes are actually real. But, whoever is writing them lately seems to be doing a good job of writing things I need to hear so I can move forward in a positive direction. Anyway, this was helpful for me today, so I guess that's all that matters.

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life. This inspirational message has been popular for many years. Today, Aries, it strongly applies to you and your life. Although you can't erase every mistake or every regret, you can learn from what you have been through. There is a particular lesson you now need to embrace to make something wonderful happen. You know what you have to do because you've been thinking about it for quite some time. Take the above quotation seriously - and you can make this the first day of a much brighter and more profitable future."

And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know, my weakness I feel I must finally show.

A bit late to the Welcome 2013 party... I know.

I've spent a lot of time going over 2012 in my head. And it was filled with so much change. And so much struggle. I had some huge highs and awful, awful lows.

Frankly, I look back now and I don't think I can take another year like that. I feel like I spent so much of my time so hurt and wounded. It's like I was being bounced around in a pinball machine. I need to figure out how to get my bearings back. I'm just so tired of bouncing around. All I want for 2013 is some stability.

I know what I'm bringing to the next Christmas party!

Not only does it have a Christmas cheese ball, but there's even a Valentine's day themed one in the background.  With green olives.  Green olives are EVERYWHERE in these recipes.

Christmas is coming!

Despite what the picture looks like, I swear that there is no ground beef in this... pudding.  Happy Holidays!

Everything goes better with Jello!

Or does it?

Next steps...

Corrections are made for the separation paperwork.  I got the revised documents back in the mail  today, but it looks like Jimmy still hasn't disclosed his finances.  I'm so frustrated.  One more thing to hold things up.  If he doesn't give his financial information to the lawyer when he returns to NY, that's it.  There's no point in negotiating any further, he's just going to drag that out as  long as he can.  I can't help thinking about how I'm struggling when he claims that he's not making anything. Then he texts me a picture of the motorcycle he's building.  Even my daughter knows he's lying about how much money he makes and she's just a kid.  If he doesn't disclose, I'm going to have to formally file through Family Court.  I don't want to have to do it, but I don't think I have any more options.

More Men's Favorites...

Hahahahahaha... No further comment needed.

And so it begins...

Got my legal separation paperwork from the lawyer for review. Looks to only need some minor tweaking before they get signed. Wish me luck...

I stayed...

...because the first night I met him he was so charming and made me laugh.  Because he watched the Princess Bride with me even though I could tell he hated it.  Because he bought me a coffeemaker before we even started dating.  Because he always knew what to say.  Because he was there when I went through a really tough situation and didn't judge me for it (then).  Because he could quote Kids in the Hall. Because I believed him when he said he wanted to be a better person for me.  Because he said I was the best thing that ever happened. Because I thought I could fix all the bad things that happened to him over the years.  Because I saw what kind of person he could've been and was when he chose to be.  Because we got pregnant. Because I married him.  Because I didn't want to be another divorce statistic.  Because every time he hurt me, he was always so sorry afterwards. Because I believed him.  Because when I left him the first time, he promised things would be different.  Because when I went back to him and moved to South Carolina, I didn't have anyone else around me anymore I knew and felt so isolated.  Because when we moved back to New York, I didn't want people to know what was really going on and didn't want people to worry or be disappointed.  Because when I got sick, he took care of me.  Because he was a great cook.  Because he could sing.  Because he told me he'd change.  Because sometimes he did change a little bit.  Because he'd call me lazy, bitch, fatass, stupid, and I started to believe it.  Because he told me he'd take my daughter away if I left.  Because he told me I couldn't make it on my own.  Because I felt ashamed.  Because I really believed if I kept trying hard enough, it would get better.  Because I loved him and I believed him when he said he loved me.  Because I thought the good times would balance out the bad. Because he always knew what to say to bring me back.  Because I didn't want to hear "I told you so" by everyone if I left.  Because I was afraid.  Because he threatened to kill my cat and when the cat died, the vet said it was most likely feline leukemia, but I always wondered...  Because I wanted a family that was whole and not broken.  Because I didn't want to admit I made a mistake.  Because I kept hoping that he'd drive off a cliff and that would just solve everything.  Because he still did nice things for me and I wanted to believe that was the real him.  Because we had a house, a child and dogs and I didn't know how I'd do it all alone.  Because he told me if I left, nobody would want me and only he would put up with me.  Because he would surprise me with baked goods and coffee.  Because he went to see Lord of the Rings with me at midnight because I wanted to, even though I knew he hated it.  Because he said he's acting this way because he got laid off and his mom died and I need to be more understanding of him and his needs.  Because he said he's acting this way because I made him do  it.  Because he wore me down.  Because he taught me how to hang drywall and change the oil on my car.  Because I thought I deserved what I got.  Because I thought if I could  just a little bit better, if I could stop being so stupid, if I could try a little harder, it would be ok.  Because there were times I thought it was better.  Because I loved him.  Because I wanted to make sure that the day I walked out the door, I could honestly say I tried everything I could to make it work.

Sardine?

Hurry up folks, picnic season's almost over!