I am trying to break your heart

So, my parents' house is also being remodeled, just on a much larger scale. It really needed it and I have to say that it looks better than it has in years.

Unfortunately, the reality of the situation is that the only reason the house is getting fixed up is because my father is dying. The house needs to be put into shape so that when my dad goes, mom will be able to sell it. It's like reverse nesting... It's a frustrating situation. Part of me is glad to have the time to help out and plan for what we all know is coming down the line, but it's also horrendously depressing.

I especially get annoyed when people tell me that maybe things will get better. I'm sure they mean well and they may be trying to soften things, but I'd rather not be pandered to. I know what's going on and the reality is my father will not be around much longer. The evidence is right there staring me in the face and every day he gets tinier and weaker. I can't waste my time wishing for a miracle that isn't going to come.

Every milestone and special occasion is colored somehow with the knowledge that this is the last one. I went through my last birthday with him. I gave him his last father's day card. Do you know how hard it is to look at cards, knowing that you are never going to get this chance again? How do you pick something like that out?

Sometimes, it's hard to be positive. I try because I can't give in and I want to be strong. But I get tired...