Ahoy!

Well, thanks to a good friend and a long talk today, I'm feeling a little less hopeless.  Every little bit helps...  So, this is just for you (but I'm also happy for anyone who might follow my blog to enjoy, as well... )  Raise a patriotic mug of beer...

Question 4: What are you most grateful for in life?

I'm having a hard time with gratitude right now... This question has just been sitting here, staring at me. I feel selfish and small for not being able to come up with a decent list.  Like I'd be lying to myself by writing it.  I'm not feeling grateful.  And I'm mad at myself for being so weak that I can't bring myself to make a list, but it just seems hollow.  I suppose I should be grateful for still having a house, having my daughter, the dogs, but that's all I've got right now.  I'm still feeling weak.

I suppose I'll take another stab at this one again when I'm in a better place.

Confession

I'm trying really hard to stay positive and focus on forward thinking. My next question is to talk about what I'm grateful for. And I know I should be able to do this, but today is one of my bad days. I can't think happy today, as much as I wish I could. I just feel tired and sad and alone in the world. I wish I could get myself on track. I just don't know how to make it stick.

Question 3: What are the achievements you are most proud of?

This is actually an easy one.  I'm most proud of joining the Army. I joke and tell people I did it in a "moment of temporary insanity", but it was a life changing experience for me.  Graduating from college so many years ago, I was set on a path to grad school because that was what I was expected to do.  It's not something I actively chose and the closer I got to that date,  the more I realized I did not want to go to grad school. I was not ready and I was not even sure why I wanted to go, except that everyone told me that was what I should be doing.  Choosing not to attend grad school was a difficult decision, but I still think it was the right choice.

So, as a result, I ended up moving back in with my parents, still thinking at the time that I was just going to defer for a semester and go to school in January.  I took up two jobs in an attempt to earn as much money as possible for my school nest egg. And again, as January loomed closer, it again became more apparent that I did not want to go to grad school.  Needless to say, my parents were upset and they were pressing me for a long term plan.  

Somehow, the idea of the military popped into my head.  I went down to the recruiters, thinking about the Navy.  However, the Navy recruiter was out to lunch and I was instead intercepted by my Army recruiter, Sgt. Canastero after he spotted me lingering in the hallway trying to figure out how long I should wait.  In that moment, my life was set on a new path.  Long story short, I ended up enlisting as an MP, with a guaranteed posting in Germany.

The Army was both the easiest and the hardest job I've ever had.  They taught me discipline, strength of character and determination.  I learned I could muster the strength to march 10 miles with stress fractures in my pelvis. I could shoot a weapon and surprisingly, I enjoyed it.  That said, it's never made me want to buy a gun, shooting for work and choosing to shoot for pleasure are too very separate things. The Army taught me to dig deep in and move forward when I was faced with difficult challenges.  I still think about my drill sergeant's advice to us to "suck it up and drive on" whenever we were struggling.  Simple advice, but sometimes that's all you can do to get through the day.  I worked hard and I achieved something a lot of people don't get to be a part of.  And those lessons stick with me today.

Question 2: What are you passionate about?

This is a good question...  I rarely use the word passionate when describing something; instead I tend to use less emotional terms.  I'm certainly an avid fan of geeky TV shows like Dr. Who, Star Trek, etc, but I don't think passionate is the proper term for my fandom.  I suppose I could even claim to be passionate about my love of Capt. Picard.  After all, I do own a six-foot cardboard cutout of him.

But, now is not the time to cop out and go with the easy answer. Now is the time to dig deeper...  So, what am I passionate about? I'm passionate about learning new things. I especially love knowing weird, inane facts.  Which also helps with my performance at trivia, so I get a benefit of that.  I'm passionate about needed my own time and space alone. It's something people don't always understand, but too much social activity, too many people, it's draining.  I have a need to take time in my own space.  I'm passionate about needing to reconnect to the outdoors, at least on a minor basis. I'm certainly not one of those people who can hike 20 miles a day and camp out for weeks at a time, but I do find that getting out in the woods for a couple hours can be incredibly healing.  I'm passionate about my daughter, who is the first and only person I can say I have ever loved with complete abandon. The day she entered my life, everything changed.  No matter how many times I want to strangle her (which is pretty frequently now that she's 14 years old), I still have that fierce, overwhelming love and need to protect and care for her.  

I guess that's a good start.

Today's horoscope

"What if you had said something you wanted to say when you had the opportunity? What if you had made a left turn instead of a right when you were traveling yesterday? What if you had stopped yourself from making a critical comment to a sensitive friend? Each and every day is made up of "what if" moments, Aries. You can waste your life worrying about how things would be better if only you had done something differently. But what would be the point of that? What's done is done and there is no time for regret. Live in the moment, because an important opportunity is waiting for you to make your move. Don't live in the past."

Wow, something I needed to hear right now. I keep reading these horoscopes because they're more like daily affirmations right now. I've been in kind of in a dark place and I've been focusing too much on my failures and mistakes. As a result, I went through what I suppose would best be described as a mini breakdown that left me emotionally and physically drained. It actually made me physically ill. I don't want to be that way anymore. I need to refocus. I guess I have a lot of work ahead of me, but I need to make some major changes in my life. And i need to stop beating myself up for all the stupid things I've done and move on. Wish me luck.

Question 1 - Who are you?

You know, you would think this would be an easy question, but it's actually quite hard. I've also been feeling pretty low lately, so by answering it today I'm probably going to be a lot harder on myself than I would on a different day.

So, who am I? I'm a 38 year old mother of a teenage girl and three insane Labrador retrievers. I live in chaos. I'm hoping to be divorced soon and am finding the process emotionally and financially draining.  It's been difficult being on my own and I often feel completely alone in the world, but I still think it's better than being married.  I also have a hard time letting people help me, so I have to take responsibility for the problems that come out of wanting to take everything on by myself, so I don't have to be a burden. As little as I like to ask for help, I'm a person who has spent years working in human services, helping all manner of other people. At least I hope I've helped people. It's a hard job, so sometimes I wonder how much I have accomplished.   I'm a geek.  I know it's now trendy to call yourself a geek, but I really am one.  I've always had a love of the strange and unusual, perhaps because I am strange and unusual.  (Yes, that is a Beetlejuice reference)  I can talk forever about Star Trek, MST3K, video games, Supernatural, Doctor Who, Tolkein, Robert Jordan, Piers Anthony, etc...  But I still don't get steampunk.  I guess that's where my geekdom draws the line.

I hate to discuss how I'm feeling, which is why I'm doing this. I'm much better discussing what I'm doing. But. I'm trying to push myself into exploring stuff that I should in hopes that I can make some changes.  I don't really like who I am right now, so I'm hoping some self analysis will be a good thing to open me up to something better.  I guess I'm just someone who wants to feel like they've been of use in the world and left something positive behind.  I hope I am that person...

101 Questions

2012 was a year of upheaval for me...  I went through a lot of changes and a lot of difficulties.  And frankly, the last half of 2012 sucked. At times, I was just struggling to get through each day, bouncing around like a pinball.  I have been through so much, I think I lost a lot of my self worth.  So, I'm trying to make 2013 a year where I start to make some positive changes.

Anyway, in order to make changes I think I need to take some time for some serious reflection and self analysis.  So, what better thing to do than to bare my soul and put it all out on the internet for all to see?  My project will be to answer all the questions on the Self-Reflection Manifesto.  Let's see where this thing leads me...