8. Do you love yourself? … 9. Why or Why not?

So, to be honest...  No.  But I'm trying to.

Though, most people probably wouldn't know this.  I'm very good at pretending I'm doing better than I am. I've had years of practice.  But then again, pretending I was ok when I really wasn't ended up just putting so much stress on me that I basically imploded.  It really wasn't until I admitted to other people how screwed up things were that I was able to take steps to make things better.

And it is getting better. I'm starting to like myself more and trust that I deserve some success and happiness. I still question myself a lot, but I've also improved at checking those assumptions before I let the old patterns get in the way.  It takes a lot of work, though.  It's very hard to love yourself when you've spent well over a decade believing the worst about yourself, whether it's true or not. And it's very hard to love yourself enough to forgive yourself.  I wish I could forgive myself as easily as I can forgive others. It'd probably help me let go a lot easier.

I recently described my life as being like a wobbly chair.  When one leg is shorter than the others, it always keeps me off balance. One leg is work, one is family, one is financial/practical and the last is personal relationships.  And right now some of those legs are a lot steadier than they've been in the past, but I still have some wobbliness.  At the same time, I've also had times where I felt like I was only balancing on one or two legs, so for now I'll take what I've got and hope that continuing to put some more hope and care into myself will grant me further stability.  So, do I love myself?  No.  But I think I'll be able to eventually, so there's that.  And that hope is still better than what I had before.

Question 7: What are your values? What do you represent? What do you want to embody?

So, returning to the 101 questions...  I'm actually in a much better place than I was when I started this project, so I suppose I put it to the wayside.  I have a new job that I really enjoy.  It's a complete change from working in human services over the past decade, plus a few years. It's kind of scary to make such a big change, but exhilarating. I'm slowly getting more financially secure, which is also an added bonus.  Jaime has had a very difficult couple years with all the changes we've been through, but I feel like she's finally starting to turn a corner and that makes home life much easier.  I have a good support network from my friends and family that has helped me get back on track when I felt like a failure.  I had some other personal disappointments have also turned a corner and I'm starting to think that the struggles I went through on that front did serve to make things stronger in the end and brought me back to where I wanted to be as they resolved themselves in a positive manner.  So, yeah. I'm feeling pretty good right now. I hope it continues.

I also have to admit that Question 7 is a really hard question to answer.  I really had to dig deep to think about not only what my values are, but how well am I truly living up to them.  Though, I don't know if there's anyone outside of the Dalai Lama that can say they truly embody everything they strive to be.  So, again, stop being so hard on myself, Alex.

My family was definitely instrumental in instilling core values that carry through me.  We had several "Number One Rules" that were drilled into our heads.  For example:

• 1. Always tell the truth.
• 1. Never quit a job until you get another.
• 1. Always carry a book wherever you go.
• 1. Always pack a blue blazer (or the female equivalent of this)

And it sounds like very basic things, but sometimes the most important basic truths really are distilled down to a simple statements. Telling the truth means you're honest, even when it's hard.  Making sure you have a job means your self sufficient, but also not quitting early gives you drive to hang in there when things are tough.  Sometimes it gets better, but when it doesn't, if you plan for it and make a smart change into something better, you'll have better results then when you just give up out of anger and frustration. Then you're not left floundering.  Reading IS fundamental, it broadens your knowledge. Plus, it gives you something to do when you're stuck in a really long line, your train is late, etc. and keeps you from getting flustered.  And now with the advent of technology, my Nook and smartphone make this even easier!  And with the blue blazer, it's more about always being prepared for any circumstances.  It's also important that you are able to look dapper at a moment's notice. You never know when you might get the opportunity to do something interesting.  Anyways, that's just some of the rules.

I won't lie, I don't follow the number one rules perfectly.  I try, though.  And that's important.  I still think about what my father would say if he were still alive to give me advice. His decades in Boy Scouts definitely instilled a lot of knowledge.  And I am still amazed how many people I run into that tell me how important my father was to them when they were in his scout troop.  It just happened again this weekend.  I think I find it especially amazing because my father was a quiet man, so I didn't realize how much he influenced others until after he was gone and people came out of the woodwork to tell me.  But then again, I don't think my father did the things he did to get appreciation. He just did it because it was the right thing to do.

I want to do that, too.