One year later...

So, today it has officially been one year since my dad died. The past two years have been the most difficult years of my life, first with Dad's cancer and his slow decline, then with the year after going through so many milestones... The first post-dad Christmas, birthday, Father's Day, etc... And it sucked. It really, really sucked. Words cannot express it.

Which is why I was so surprised to find myself waking up this morning actually feeling pretty good. I'm not sure why I feel good, but it was a pleasant surprise. Maybe it's because I made it through all those first milestones already and this was the last one. Either way, I'll just take the gift for what it is. I still miss my dad and still often feel angry that he's gone, but I guess that's just how it is. Either way, I'll toast to his memory.

Walking the line upside down

So, my mom called me earlier this evening because she just found her cat Neville dead. She was beyond upset, so I went over to take care of him for her. The little cat was lying in my dad's old recliner, poor guy. He was really Dad's cat (we used to joke that he was Dad's familiar) and he never really has been the same since Dad died...

Even stranger, today is the exact date last year that my father was hospitalized and the whole journey with cancer began. I find it disturbing that Neville picked this day to go... Maybe it's just a coincidence, but I don't know.

When I forget how to talk, I sing

So, I look back at last night's post and my first thought was that I overshared... Then I recalled a good friend asking me why I always apologize for my feelings or preface it with "I shouldn't feel this way." And I do... So, I stopped myself from deleting the post.

I do need to be more comfortable with sharing. I don't like to sound depressed and whiny, but writing is a good outlet for me, so I think I need to do more of it. I guess I'm just working through a lot of things. It's probably odd that I'm doing it in a public venue, but I think I will continue. (However, if I really do start sounding too depressing, please let me know...)

Luckily, Hospice sent me a packet talking about the stages of grief the other day. That's one of the things they do. They send out information talking about the different things you might be going through, groups for different people, etc... It actually is quite helpful. They also do a camp in the summer for kids who have lost loved ones that I'm going to send Jaime to. Hospice really is a wonderful organization.

They're also doing a remembrance in January to celebrate those who passed away in the past year. My mom isn't sure she wants to go, but I think that I will. I think it will be a good thing.

...sigh...

I just noticed my dad's not listed as one of my Netflix friends anymore. Man, it's the little things that are the worst sometimes...