Next steps...

Corrections are made for the separation paperwork.  I got the revised documents back in the mail  today, but it looks like Jimmy still hasn't disclosed his finances.  I'm so frustrated.  One more thing to hold things up.  If he doesn't give his financial information to the lawyer when he returns to NY, that's it.  There's no point in negotiating any further, he's just going to drag that out as  long as he can.  I can't help thinking about how I'm struggling when he claims that he's not making anything. Then he texts me a picture of the motorcycle he's building.  Even my daughter knows he's lying about how much money he makes and she's just a kid.  If he doesn't disclose, I'm going to have to formally file through Family Court.  I don't want to have to do it, but I don't think I have any more options.

More Men's Favorites...

Hahahahahaha... No further comment needed.

And so it begins...

Got my legal separation paperwork from the lawyer for review. Looks to only need some minor tweaking before they get signed. Wish me luck...

I stayed...

...because the first night I met him he was so charming and made me laugh.  Because he watched the Princess Bride with me even though I could tell he hated it.  Because he bought me a coffeemaker before we even started dating.  Because he always knew what to say.  Because he was there when I went through a really tough situation and didn't judge me for it (then).  Because he could quote Kids in the Hall. Because I believed him when he said he wanted to be a better person for me.  Because he said I was the best thing that ever happened. Because I thought I could fix all the bad things that happened to him over the years.  Because I saw what kind of person he could've been and was when he chose to be.  Because we got pregnant. Because I married him.  Because I didn't want to be another divorce statistic.  Because every time he hurt me, he was always so sorry afterwards. Because I believed him.  Because when I left him the first time, he promised things would be different.  Because when I went back to him and moved to South Carolina, I didn't have anyone else around me anymore I knew and felt so isolated.  Because when we moved back to New York, I didn't want people to know what was really going on and didn't want people to worry or be disappointed.  Because when I got sick, he took care of me.  Because he was a great cook.  Because he could sing.  Because he told me he'd change.  Because sometimes he did change a little bit.  Because he'd call me lazy, bitch, fatass, stupid, and I started to believe it.  Because he told me he'd take my daughter away if I left.  Because he told me I couldn't make it on my own.  Because I felt ashamed.  Because I really believed if I kept trying hard enough, it would get better.  Because I loved him and I believed him when he said he loved me.  Because I thought the good times would balance out the bad. Because he always knew what to say to bring me back.  Because I didn't want to hear "I told you so" by everyone if I left.  Because I was afraid.  Because he threatened to kill my cat and when the cat died, the vet said it was most likely feline leukemia, but I always wondered...  Because I wanted a family that was whole and not broken.  Because I didn't want to admit I made a mistake.  Because I kept hoping that he'd drive off a cliff and that would just solve everything.  Because he still did nice things for me and I wanted to believe that was the real him.  Because we had a house, a child and dogs and I didn't know how I'd do it all alone.  Because he told me if I left, nobody would want me and only he would put up with me.  Because he would surprise me with baked goods and coffee.  Because he went to see Lord of the Rings with me at midnight because I wanted to, even though I knew he hated it.  Because he said he's acting this way because he got laid off and his mom died and I need to be more understanding of him and his needs.  Because he said he's acting this way because I made him do  it.  Because he wore me down.  Because he taught me how to hang drywall and change the oil on my car.  Because I thought I deserved what I got.  Because I thought if I could  just a little bit better, if I could stop being so stupid, if I could try a little harder, it would be ok.  Because there were times I thought it was better.  Because I loved him.  Because I wanted to make sure that the day I walked out the door, I could honestly say I tried everything I could to make it work.

Sardine?

Hurry up folks, picnic season's almost over!

Wot! Behind the rabbit?

The breakfast really doesn't look all that horrible. I'm more intrigued by the addition of the ceramic rabbit...

Ugh...

I found the most revolting recipe in the Betty Crocker box last night. Words escape me.  I don't even have the ability to come up with a fun title.  The horror, the horror...

Self Realization

I've been spending a lot of time being introspective lately.  I'm not happy with my life and I'm not sure what to do about it.  This year has been about changes and I think I'm waking up to the fact that having all my options open is really scary.  I focused so much on the getting out and recovery, I haven't had time to figure out what's next.  I guess I'm just tired of living day to day and crisis to crisis.  As terrible as it sounds, despite as hard it was being married, there's a part of me that misses the security even if I didn't have the happiness.  I don't know...

Maybe it's time for me to make some bigger changes.