45. If you have 1 million dollars, what will you do with it?

I think this is one of those questions we all fantasize about. 1 million bucks is a lot, but at the same time it's not.  I especially know this from working in insurance that you can blow through 1 million dollars a lot faster than you think.  So, I would do my best to be practical with the majority of it by paying off debts for myself and my immediate family. I'd also like to invest enough that I have something that would generate a decent amount of income that I don't have to work if I don't want to and still get my basic needs met. I'll still keep working anyway, but I'll feel a lot more secure knowing that if something happens where I can't work, I'll still be ok.  I know, I'm boring.

Then after all that's set up, I'd go to Disneyworld.

44. How can you do this better the next time?

Wow... I forgot about my list. I guess the craziness of life has gotten in the way.  Since my last question, I've had a lot go on.  Of course, the biggest thing is the fact that I got engaged and will be getting married next week.  It was a long road to get here, too...

I suppose my positive strides are a result of following Question 44 a little more. I am trying to continue opening up more, learning to ask people more often when I need help and staying more goal oriented. It's not always easier, but it has helped.  I think being more comfortable being in a real partnership has made this process better, especially since I know I have someone that can support me and doesn't tear me down.  All in all, I'm still on the right path as long as I remind myself to focus better and plan ahead a bit more.

43. For every experience you get: What are the biggest things you have learned?

Hmm...  I do think there are certain points in my life that have shaped me.  And not all of them in positive ways, but even the bad times have still taught me something.  I try to look at what I went through in my marriage as a learning experience.  It did teach me to "survive" although I hate that word, survivor.  I don't know how I can call myself a survivor when even years later, I'm still dealing with the effects of what I went through.  But I don't have a better term to use, so I suppose that's better than nothing. The marriage did teach me a way of acting and seeing the world that I'm still trying to undo, though.

Leaving my marriage, however taught me how strong I could really be.  It also taught me that I deserved someone to treat me well.  I deserved to be happy and I deserved good things in my life.  It's something I have to remind myself of, but I think I've made some slow progress in learning to accept that I deserve better than what I actually had.  I also learned that people can be incredibly caring and understanding even when you may have made some poor decisions.

My father's illness and death taught me to appreciate my loved ones.  Tragedy either brings people together or it tears them apart.  I was very lucky in that my family and friends banded together and were able to make my father's last months as good as possible.  And we were able to support each other, as well.  I learned that the worst times often bring out the best in people.  I learned that cancer fucking sucks and I never want to watch someone go through that again.  But I also learned that if I ever get sick, I hope I go down fighting like my dad did, even though he was crazy and angry to the end. He also never admitted defeat and there's something to be said for that. I also learned that I was lucky that when my dad passed, he did it with neither of us having unfinished business, questions or regrets and that he died knowing how much he was loved, no matter what. It taught me to make sure to cherish my other relationships, so they know how important they are, too.

When I lost a job for a really stupid reason a few years back, I learned that my tendency to try to take on too much responsibility and try to be the person who can do anything and fix everything is unhealthy.  I have to remind myself to slow down, to take care of myself when I'm overwhelmed and sometimes even stop and take a break and breathe.  It is still incredibly hard.  It's even harder to admit when I need help, that I really can't do everything.  It's hard to let go, but I have to.

When I joined the Army, I learned that I could be a part of a bigger picture.  I learned a sense of discipline and a different type of self-worth.  I learned that I could strike out on my own and be ok in a foreign place.  I could get out of my comfort zone, do something that most people might find crazy and I could push myself beyond my limits, physically and mentally.  I learned that I also never wanted to work in law enforcement again.  The Army, however, was a great experience and I truly believe that more people should give service to their country in some way.

I learned many, many years ago that I met the one person who "completes me" to be all Jerry Maguire about it.  I was too young to recognize it for what it was.  But I was also lucky enough to get a second chance.  People enter your lives when they're supposed to. And my person came along again at a point when I was better equipped to open myself and appreciate it.  It taught me again that sometimes it's worth it to take a chance if it makes your life happier and more fulfilling.  It taught me that it's ok to do what makes me happy, instead of what I think I'm supposed to do.  And it taught me that sometimes the hardest things bring the best rewards.

Hopefully, I will have more lessons to learn.

42. If you were to die tomorrow, what would be your biggest regret? What can you do now to make sure that doesn’t happen?

I think more of my regrets are based on things I have done, rather than things I have yet to do.  I wish I'd made better decisions. I wish I'd learned more from my mistakes, instead of repeating the same patterns. I regret not taking charge of my life earlier. Focusing on crisis management put me behind on building myself up.

I know I need to be more proactive and plan better, rather than putting off the hard tasks and decisions. I need to stop giving into the grayness when it comes on me. I don't want to waste my life feeling sad. I need to find stability. I do find breaking down tasks into smaller steps helps. I've also found working out helps. It helps me get rid of a lot of anger and frustration.  So, I guess feeling better for a few hours after a good workout is still better than not at all. Maybe more refocusing will be good for me.

40. What’s the top priority in your life right now? 41. What are you doing about it?

I put these questions together because they're so connected. It just seemed easier and faster to tackle it in one post. (Maybe this is also evidence of my improved time management skills... Haha)

I think I'm in a position now where I'm viewing things less on a daily basis, less firefighting and crisis management. And now I can focus a little more on planning for longer term goals. But I also have one very important task to complete before I can completely move on to the next phase of my life and that's the divorce.

Divorce isn't easy, especially when you're dealing with so many other issues on top of it. But having the divorce finally settled should contribute to giving me some peace of mind and hopefully should also translate into smoothing out some other stresses in my life. I wish I could've been stronger to get everything finalized quicker. But I didn't, partly because I was naive and thought my ex would be more reasonable and work with me. Then when I realized that wasn't going to happen, I got caught up  in the disappointment, which spiraled into a paralysis, thinking things were never going to get better so it didn't matter how quickly the divorce was finalized. I have to stop losing sight of that better future to work towards.

So, the last few months I've been pushing through the divorce to get my goal of finalization before Christmas. I do not want to start 2015 still married. It's the last string to my old life that I need cut. And I've done everything on my end with the paperwork. It's now down to one last piece of paper my ex needs to sign, then we can finally file. After it's done, maybe I'll be a little closer to where I want to be.  So yes, the thing I've put on hold and my main priority is the exact same thing. All the more reason to get this done.

39. Are you putting any parts of your life on hold? Why?

I am. Waiting for my divorce to finalize is definitely putting my personal life on hold. It's especially frustrating because I'm at the very tail end of the process, I've done everything on my end I need to do  for finalization and all I can do is wait for my soon to be ex husband to finish his end.  As of today, it is own to one single piece of paper that he needs to sign before we can file.

At least he's finally motivated to finish the process now that he has a girlfriend, but in some ways that makes me angrier because I had to wait so long until he finally had motivation to actually do something.  I can't help wonder if dragging his feet and putting up roadblocks to the divorce for three years was his own way of punishing me for leaving. He only got on board with the process when it was convenient for him.

It's also frustrating because I want to move on in my own personal life and the stress of trying to get the divorce finalized has impacted that significantly.  It's caused roadblocks to the future I want to build.  It makes me feel less secure because I don't always trust that my future is really possible. Especially since I didn't leave under the best of circumstances and my current relationship is impacted by that. I want to break free of that past, but I often fear my current partner cannot. It hurts. Why can't it be easier to let go and move forward?

38. Who are the people who have achieved similar goals? … What can you learn from them?

So, way way way back in January I posted my list of goals for 1 year, 3 years, 5 years and 10 years.  I've been feeling pretty low over the last few weeks, so looking back and seeing that I've made some progress on my one year goal did give me a little positive twinge.  I am more secure financially.  It's still not where I want to be, but at least I'm not in the cold sweat, "How am I going to make it through each month with my bills and still eat?" territory.  I don't feel secure in a lot of other areas, though and that still bothers me.

And my issues right now are all about getting over the bad things that have happened to me, my worries that I'm just not good enough.  My worries that I can't break free of what I went through, the worries of getting hurt, the worries of not having the life, love, family and emotional security I want to have.  I still have times where I see something or hear something and it brings back some flashback and it's horrible. The stuff I went through, it stays with me.  And I feel so alone.  I don't know how other people move on from it,  because I don't even know how to find people who talk, really talk about those struggles without sounding like a bad Lifetime movie.  I don't want to read self-help or platitudes or cute Pinterest quotes over pretty backgrounds.  Things like that don't inspire me, they just depress me more because it's not really that simple.  I don't know where to find those people who can make me feel better and can teach me how to really let go in a realistic, non-treacly way.  So, if there's someone out there that can do that, please point them in my direction.

37. What if these goals are doubled? Tripled? Magnified by 10? How would you feel? Would you prefer to achieve these or your previous goals?

At this point, I have so much on my plate, I don't think I could handle my goals getting doubled or more...  I love the changes in my life, but a girl can only take so much change, even if it is positive.  I'm still getting my footing in a lot of ways and it's going to take time for me to even feel secure that the good things that have been happening in my life really are real.  At this point, pacing and focus are more important so that I can make sure that I'm not overwhelming myself.  I'll stick with just the goals I have right now.

36. How important are these goals to you?

I think they're very important...  But, I think the act of goal setting in itself and thinking more long term is the most important part of it.  For a long time, I wasn't thinking long term.  I was thinking in terms of daily survival.  But in my defense, I was also in a position for a long time, that just thinking about the day to day was so overwhelming, I don't think it would have been possible to work on any long term goals.  You have to be in a position where you feel safe before you can build yourself up. Realigning my priorities is probably the best thing I could do.  And the fact that I finally CAN look to the future is a good and sometimes scary thing.  But the good outweighs the scary.

32-35. What do you want to achieve 1 year from now? … 3 years? … 5 years? … 10 years?

Two months ago, I wrote these words for Question #24.  "I hope in a year from now I'll feel a bit more secure. I hope in three years, I'll have some accomplishments under my belt. I'm hoping by five, I'll have built a home and a life to be proud of."

It's kind of vague, but it definitely emphasizes my need for security.  Not just security, I want to be independently secure so that I don't have to depend on anyone else to meet my needs.  Not that I don't want to have other people in my life, I just want to know that I have the ability to succeed on my own.  I want to know that I have the ability to take care of myself.

Year 1 - 2014 is about me building security.  What that means to me is that after I left my husband, I spent a lot of time with the wolf at the door.   After a lot of struggles and hard work to set my affairs in order, as of today, to quote my mother, "The wolf has moved down the street, but he's still there."  Not where I want to be still, but at least better than last year.  So, by 2015, I think I can deal with the wolf being a few blocks away, possibly looking at a new neighborhood to move into.  It's a matter of prioritizing my debts, building a better budget and continuing to sock a little way in savings.  As much as it hurts, I know that it's all going to pay off in the long run.

Year 3 - I want to be free of debt.  I really think I can do it.  Luckily, I can live cheaply.  I also want to grow in my job.  I want to have a higher close on my commissions and sales.  I'm pondering looking at learning about the financial services side of my job.  But I know there's so much to learn about insurance in general still, that I need to focus on that first. I've only been licensed for three months, after all.  I think in three years,  I would be in a good position to branch out in financial services.  I also know Jaime is going to be going to college in a few years and I want to make sure that she is prepared for that transition, both financially and maturity wise.  I want to make it so that she can go to whatever school she wishes and that she has the ability to succeed once she transitions    into college and adulthood.  I've seen small signs of emerging maturity, so I think with  and a lot of love (and maybe a little yelling when she does some crazy teenage thing), she'll be ok.

Year 5 - I want a house. My house.  My own house.  Whether it's just me alone or me sharing it with another person, I want one that feels like my own home.  It doesn't even have to be a house. It could be an apartment.  I just want to be in a place that feels like mine.

Year 10 - I actually have a perfect picture of what I want to have achieved and what my life would look like. But some things... I like to keep to myself. Sorry, Internet.

31.What would you do if you cannot fail; if there are no limitations in money, resources, time or networks?

Honestly, I'd still spend a lot of time sitting around and reading!  I could be a "woman of leisure" and lounge about.  But knowing me, I can only lounge for so long before I would need to get up and get moving.

Then I paid attention to the first part of this question, what would I do if I couldn't fail?  How would I transform my life?  What would I take a risk on knowing I could do anything?  I know that I'm probably supposed to think career wise, but for me my career is about building security rather than building wealth. I really only want to have enough money to make sure I will have my needs met.

When I think about what I want to achieve without failing, I think it's more about wanting to make myself into a person I would be proud of and would be happy to know.  I would take that chance at jumping for the things I know I want in my personal life that often seem so far away.  I want to build a home that is comfortable, that fills me with peace and is a place that I want to build a real life in.  I want to have a place where people who come feel like they're also at home when they walk through the door. I want to build place of happiness that I can share with others.  A big house to wander about in and find nooks to settle into when you need to be alone for a little while.  Like a safe haven.  A place of peace. That's what I want to build.

This is probably not the way I'm supposed to answer this question. But hey, it's my list. I get to do what I want.

30. If you are to do something for free for the rest of your life, what would you want to do?

I am going to go with my initial answer, which is not too exciting, but completely honest.

29. What’s stopping you from pursuing your goals and dreams... Why? How can you overcome them?

I don't know if "stopping" is exactly the right word right now.  It may have been a few years ago when I was leading a very different life, but I would like to think I've started to make progress in building my own life, rather than living a life other people expected of me.  I think I'd rather say that circumstances have delayed my goals.

Looking at the list I wrote  a couple weeks ago, I'm actually kind of embarrassed how heavy it is on financial concerns.  Not that I'm asking for outrageous things, well maybe the lake house.  But when people talk about goals and dreams, most people probably get way more philosophical.  They talk about wanting to make broad sweeping changes, experience life changing events, growing as a person...  And I... want a house.

Though, when I say I want a house, I guess it's not all practicalities. I mean, I already have owned a house.  But it never really felt like my house in the way it should.  It always felt more like my ex-husband's house.  It was more of being along for the ride in his dream.  It didn't feel so much like it was our dream.  And that was indicative of a lot of things in our marriage.  It usually came down to us pursuing things that he chose instead of making joint decisions. Which I know contributed a lot to the marriage not working out.  I didn't get a lot of say in what I really wanted, I was just was living someone else's dream.

So, I guess that's what's delayed things.  I need to make sure I'm making choices based on what I really want, not what other people want me to do. I need to develop the confidence that I can actually achieve those things, as well.  So, I'm going to start with the Tough Mudder.  Maybe it's a silly choice to focus on, but it's also a goal I've talked about for two years and that's just too long. It's time for me to put away the excuses and just suck it up and get moving.  I have to admit, the additional benefit of getting in better shape is also a motivator...  But the Tough Mudder is the perfect mixture of hard work and crazy, so why not?  Strangely, that's probably a really good description of myself.  No wonder...

28. What are your biggest goals and dreams?

So, I just answered a question about opportunities, I went through my bucket list, I identified what's most important to me...  I guess this is where I start to put it all together.  So, what are my goals and dreams?

• I want to be debt free.
• I want a home that I can call completely my own.
• I want to travel across the country by car.
• I want to visit every Disney park (I never pretended all my goals were going to be serious).  Two down so far...
• I want to own a lake house.
• I want to see my daughter graduate from college and become something better than I am.
• I want to be more self-sufficient.  As much as I've learned it's ok to accept help from others, I still pride myself on being able to take care of my own business.
• I want to run that Tough Mudder I keep putting off.  I am determined that I will not let 2014 go by without doing it. 
• Walk the Camino de Santiago (yes, I know this is already on my bucket list)
• Have a home where I feel safe and content no matter what comes my way.

That's a decent start.

27. How can you create these opportunities?

Now, this...  this is where my problem is.  Most of my opportunities seem to have come to me, rather than me seeking them out.  Don't get me wrong, I've still experienced a lot of great things.  My willingness to say yes to those opportunities that have presented themselves has led me down some interesting paths.  I'm always willing to try something new that comes along because I figure even if it works, it'll still be an interesting experience.  One of the reasons, I never get afraid about getting lost. Something always shows up that's sometimes even better than what I originally planned.  But I think I've also missed out on a lot by not taking charge and forging my own path.  Searching out my own opportunities.  So, the question is? How do I start?

Well, one of the first things I have to do is allow myself to be more social.  I swear, I'm not a hermit.  I do go out and do things.  But it's usually just within my small circle of friends.  So, I know I need to make an effort to become more socially adept.  By increasing my social sphere, I know in turn it will help me forge more connections.  And then those connections can grow into more opportunities, both on a personal and a professional level.  It's just hard to put yourself out there. But in order to work towards larger professional goals, I need to motivate myself to become more social.  And I'm not terrible at it, it's just that as an introvert, it's terribly terribly draining...

I need to learn to take more chances.  I need to explore more.  I need to be more adventurous and take more risks.  Maybe sky diving!  (no, not really...) But I do need to allow myself to grow more and not get stuck in a rut.  I'm not going to find adventure sitting at home with my books and my dog.  I need to find less things to say no to and figure out how to say yes.  i know, it sounds like a platitude, but there's a lot of things I've put off for no good reason and time's slipping by.  I already wasted too much time on things and people I shouldn't have.

I want to be more honest with people instead of hiding what I'm really thinking and feeling.  That's even scarier.  Just writing this blog has been scary.  I know, everyone's favorite topic is themselves... But I've found this experience of putting my life on view to be a very discomfiting experience.  But, it's also been good for me.  It's like putting thing on view makes me more responsible to live up to what I'm saying, even if it's to an audience of mostly strangers.  I'm hoping that this will allow me to take more chances in the future because I need to back up what I say. And hopefully as a result, it will bring on new, sometimes uncomfortable and hopefully rewarding experiences and opportunities.  Anyways, it's a start.

26. What opportunities are you looking for?

I do like the word opportunities vs. goals.  It sounds much more appealing.  More like an adventure I'm about to start...  I like that.

So, what am I looking for?  I'm looking for adventure!

I am...  I really am.  Life is scary, I think I've spent a lot of time moaning about my worries and fears during quite a few of these 101 Things posts.  But, despite all my fears I also think that one of my greatest strengths is my capacity to look on the bright side even when things are rough.

And if you don't appreciate this joke, I'm sorry to tell you this, but you are no longer a friend of mine...

I want adventure, but I am also realistic.  I need security, too.  I need to feel safe, so I can take chances. It sounds counterintuitive, but it isn't.  I want to have a safety net, so that way I can feel more confident in taking more chances.  I have taken some steps into unknown territory with my new job.  And so far, that's paid off. I think moving into insurance has been a good move for me.  I feel like I'm still able to help people, but I can also grow career-wise,  as well.  I  like the fact that I'm embarking on my own path for once, rather than what other people want me to do.  I want to stretch my wings further. 

I don't know if I can rattle of specifics right now. But I do want the opportunity to explore my options further.  I want to be able to try new things, go new places and take more time just for me.  I want to try things outside of my comfort zone and not be so afraid to fail.  I want to explore.  I want my adventure.

25. What are your Quadrant 2 tasks?

Now, most people probably don't know what a Quadrant 2 task is.  Neither did I until I started this exercise.  It's part of a time management system that is supposed to help you manage your time better by organizing and prioritizing your tasks and goals.  And I have a chart!

I really only have a superficial understanding of all this, so I'm not going to go into a deep explanation.  But, the idea is Quadrant 2 is where you are setting your long term goals. The is where your building blocks for the future reside and where you're identifying steps for your goals and setting deadlines. It's also an area I'm sorely lacking in.

I spend lot more time in Quadrant 1, working on my short term goals, reacting to issues that come come up and thinking on my feet.  And that's not necessarily a bad thing, because one of my skills is that I do very well under pressure.  There's a part of me that even enjoys that rush when I come across a difficult problem, people want help NOW and I'm the one who can fix it.  It's one of the reasons I was so good at my job at DSS.  I was always the person that was called out to deal with the complex situations, the toughest cases and most difficult people. The down side of it was that it also burned me out.  I never got to relax and I lost sight of taking care of myself so that I could continue to take care of business.  That's why I'm working on trying to reduce my stress and slow down.  I don't want to burn out again.

Long term planning is not something I'm good at.  It's really hard thinking about all these plans.  It's hard to reframe my thinking and planning from what do I need to take care of today vs. what do I need to plan for to be where I want in five years?  I admit, I've not put enough thought into how I'm going to achieve what I want.  I don't even know where to start in some areas, I think I just trust that if I take it day to day, the solutions will present themselves.  It's more of a haphazard way of thinking, but it's also taken me down some interesting paths.

I worry too much planning will restrict me.  (It's also important to keep in mind when it comes to Quadrant 2, that one has to make sure not fall into the trap of scheduling and planning everything, otherwise you get bogged down by it and lose out on other opportunities that may arise. Everything in balance...) I like having the freedom to make the choices as they come and see where it leads me.  But I also have to start taking more long term responsibility. I just got licensed as an insurance agent.  I don't want to treat it as just another job, I want it to be a career and an opportunity for growth.  I like the fact that I can continue to help people, while I'm also doing something that's going to make me more financially stable.  It's nice to see myself not struggle so much and actually be able to put some money down towards my debts.  But I also still see that goal as me still focusing on the immediate vs. the long term. And although I want to have a better life and a family, I just haven't identified all the steps on how to achieve it.  So, maybe for now my Quadrant 2 is still in the information gathering and analysis stage so I can formulate a doable plan.  It doesn't sound like a lot, but I suppose even the smallest step is better than none.

24. What are you busy with today? Will this matter 1 year from now? 3 years? 5 years?

Good lord... How am I not busy lately? I feel like my life lately is filled with nothing but business. It's almost impossible to breathe sometimes. What am I busy with? A complete career change, planning for my financial stability and getting rid of my debts. Trying to be a good mother, a good daughter. Trying to navigate the maze that is my personal life.  I'm busy trying to make everything better, make myself better.

Will it matter years down the line? I suppose that depends on whether I'm making the right decisions right now. I hope I am. All I really want is to feel some stability. To feel safe that my choices are good ones. That I'm laying the ground work for a better life. One where I can feel like I've accomplished something and that I'm loved and I'm happy. I hope I'm on the right path, but I'm feeling a lot of doubts about whether some of the things I've chosen to put my faith in won't end up hurting me in the end.

I hope in a year from now I'll feel a bit more secure. I hope in three years, I'll have some accomplishments under my belt. I'm hoping by five, I'll have built a home and a life to be proud of. But I've had those hopes before and they didn't work out. I don't want to fail again. I don't want to think that the goals I'm working towards are just as illusory as my old goals were. I guess I'll have to wait and see.

23. Is there something you’re still holding on to? Is it time to let it go?

Wow, these questions never get easier, do they?  I'm odd in that I find it much easier to forgive other people than I do myself. I can let go of things very easily that people do to me and give them chance after chance after chance, but I don't provide myself that same privilege.  I can't let go of my own faults very easily, my own misconceptions and doubts about my abilities.

Here I am in what should be the prime of my life.  I've had an incredible streak of good fortune in the past few months and I still continue to wait for it all to disappear.  I can't trust in it. I live every day thinking something or someone is going to come along and take it away and tell me I'm not worthy of it.  It's a scary thought.  There is a part of me that knows I've earned some of the good things that come along, but I have to also admit that I need more reassurance that it's real.  I need to let go of my old beliefs that I'm not good enough.  I need reminders that I deserve good things in my life.  And for now, I'm pretty good at acting the part, at least, in hopes that I'll come to believe it.

Also, I suppose my ability to give people chances is often counterproductive.  I held on to the hope that I could make my marriage work much, much longer than I should of.  Holding on to that dream that if I just tried a little harder to be better I could fix it well beyond the point that a normal person would have ever done so. Even after I left, I never really left completely.  I still held onto that hope that we could somehow be friends and find some common ground. He told me that when I walked out, it woke him up.  It made him realize how badly he treated me all those years. He told me that he went to counseling to try to work on himself.  He wanted to be a better father, a better person.  He wanted to stay friends.  And I believed him.  I still fell into that trap of wanting to believe he could change and step up, be a better father to our daughter, be a better husband to his next wife.  Maybe he really understood what I went through all those years.  Maybe he was really sorry this time.  It took him taking my dog to the animal shelter and claiming I abandoned it to finally wake up and realize he was never going to change.  It was just a new type of lie and I fell for it all over again.

And I finally got angry.  Really, really angry. And I'm done.  I let the divorce process linger because I didn't want to rock the boat. I wanted us to find a way to come to some sort of agreement.  I wanted to make it easy for him. (After everything, I realize I was still trying to placate him!  I felt so stupid...) I wanted to wait because I didn't want him to get angry at me, because who knows what he'd do.  And I let my fears hold me back for almost TWO years of wasted time when I could've been free so long ago... I should have been divorced already.  I let him run my life and my decisions again.  And it wasn't until he went after my dog.  I said this before and I'll say it again, you don't fuck with someone's dog.  And I'm done.  I'm so done with being nice. I just want it all over.

So, please Dear Reader, if you see me backsliding...  If you see me trying to placate again... Slowing down and putting roadblocks in my way.  If I start making decisions on unfounded fears and "what ifs", stop me and shake me until I come to my senses.  Remind me to stay on the path and walk away from all those bad things in my past.  Thank you in advance...

22. If you are yourself 1 year from the future, how would you advise the you now?

This is an interesting question.  Because I don't know exactly where I'll be a year from now, but I hope it'll be a good place.  A year ago today, I was most definitely not in a good place.  But after awhile, I finally made some changes to take back control of my life and that's been a good thing.

So, now here I am venturing into the unknown. I'm hoping my future self in November 2014 is going to tell me to keep my chin up, all this hard work was worth it.  Look how great it's all turned out!  It all paid off!  I hope my letter will tell me that I was successful, that I got my finances in order, that I have a nice, new place to live that is completely my own to be proud of, that I've got a good life.  I hope FutureAlex says that I'm making better decisions now.  I hope FutureAlex tells me to stop moping and second guessing everything and that things really can work out.  I hope FutureAlex doesn't tell me about staying strong during problems, because I really don't want to have to work through more struggles, but I think at least if I do that this year I'll be better equipped to deal with them.

And most of all, I hope FutureAlex tells me that they'll finally have those flying cars we've all been waiting for... So, start saving your money for the down payment!