Sorry I caused all that cancer

So, next week will be the four year anniversary of my father's death from lung cancer. Despite the fact that it's been several years, I still think of him every day.  It's especially hard considering the troubles I've been going through lately. I could use his presence in my life right now to keep me steady and on track.  One of my regrets is that I caused my father undue stress and worry about me and my life choices.  And I wish that he could be here to see the steps I've taken over the past year to move on with my life on my own.  It's been especially hard because he understood better than anyone else has.  I didn't have to say anything, he just knew and he brought a quiet peace to me when I needed it.  I loved my dad because he loved me without any judgement.

As I've alluded to before, September is a very difficult month because as I approach that anniversary all those memories come flooding back.  Some of that time was like being trapped in a fog of pain that I just couldn't find my way out of.  Cancer is a terrible thing.  The pain of watching a person waste away, to know you cannot do anything to stop it, it's indescribable.  I don't ever want to see another loved one go through it again.

But what bothered me most was when people ask about dad and I would tell them about the cancer, the first question was almost always, "did he smoke?"  And I know people didn't mean it to offend, but let me tell you, it pissed me off every single time. It was an unspoken statement that somehow he had brought it upon himself.  I remember my anger when we were struggling to give Dad the care he needed, to pay for his medications, to get financial assistance.   I heard so many times that there's money for breast cancer, but not lung cancer. There's no funding for lung cancer because people don't see it as a desirable cause to fund.  This despite the fact that lung cancer is much more lethal than breast cancer.  It's just the pink ribbon brigade has better PR.  Why bother with lung cancer?  If people didn't smoke in the first place, they wouldn't get it.

Well, you know what? You should bother with it because it kills people.  It killed my dad.  And my dad didn't deserve to go through the suffering he did.  He didn't deserve to waste away like he did. And I don't care if it was because he smoked.  I loved him and he's gone and every time someone asks, "did he smoke" it's like a knife in my heart. Again and again and again...

http://noonedeservestodie.org/

One year later...

So, today it has officially been one year since my dad died. The past two years have been the most difficult years of my life, first with Dad's cancer and his slow decline, then with the year after going through so many milestones... The first post-dad Christmas, birthday, Father's Day, etc... And it sucked. It really, really sucked. Words cannot express it.

Which is why I was so surprised to find myself waking up this morning actually feeling pretty good. I'm not sure why I feel good, but it was a pleasant surprise. Maybe it's because I made it through all those first milestones already and this was the last one. Either way, I'll just take the gift for what it is. I still miss my dad and still often feel angry that he's gone, but I guess that's just how it is. Either way, I'll toast to his memory.

...Each one is a setting sun.

I am back and doing better. At least for now... I made it through the madness and the funeral. Sheila and Adam drove up from Connecticut and took care of me and I do not know how I can ever express how thankful I am for that...

Several things happened over the past few days and I would sometimes think, "I should blog about that." Weird thought, I know and I probably will at a later point for some of them, but right now I'm just not ready for that.

Instead I'm just going to leave the link to my dad's guestbook online because it made me happy to see that other people knew my dad (as best as he would allow them to) and appreciated him. I had no idea how many people he touched. It makes me happy.

http://www.legacy.com/Star-Gazette/GB/GuestbookView.aspx?PersonId=117969811

You were right about the stars...

My dad died today. I am still feeling strange. I feel strange posting this, like I'm putting my life on view. I don't know. I hurt. I miss my dad.

(Insert pithy comment here. I'm not up to the task right now...)

Things are looking bad right now for my father. Really bad. I took this morning off from work and watched Walker Texas Ranger with him today. Let me tell you, that is love. Not only is Walker Texas Ranger one of the worst shows on the planet, but I also hate Chuck Norris. I don't care if he's an internet sensation; the man is an utter tool. He also doesn't believe in evolution. I think I'm going to turn my hatred of Chuck Norris into one of the 9,999 Things to Be Pissed About. That should give me an outlet for my anger...

But I digress, I may hate Chuck Norris, but I do love my dad and it's one of his favorite shows. Of course, he does have terrible taste in TV shows. I suppose we can't all be perfect...

He was pretty coherent at first, but then things went downhill. He's definitely getting more confused. He seems to have forgotten how to use a cell phone. He started smoking a cigarette that didn't exist, then looked puzzledly at his hand trying to figure out where it went. This stuff would be funny if it wasn't so heartbreaking... I'm just watching him slip away.

It got to the point where I was just watching him to make sure he took another breath. He's practically gasping at times. And he's so tiny... I truly don't understand how he's still alive. There is absolutely nothing left on his bones...

I don't know if he'll make it to the end of the week at this point. I feel very confused right now. Just very confused and foggy... I don't know a better way to describe it.

Weekend update

Things have been a bit crazed between dealing with the myriad of cancer difficulties, plus Jimmy getting ready to leave for Minneapolis (TOMORROW! ARGH, too much stress!) for engineer class, so I haven't done too much more than post entertaining P&C photos. I apologize, so here's the update...

Jimmy is going away for the next three weeks for engineer school, which has made him somewhat crazed, but that's ok. He's getting himself psyched by watching YouTube videos of trains. Seriously. You have no idea how many of these videos there are out there. Sadly, I do know now... That said, it is pretty neat and I can completely understand the excitement for him moving up from conductor to engineer... He already said that he won't wear the striped cap, however. So that means no entertaining photos of the dog in an engineer cap. Dammit.

The only downside is my fear that my dad will most likely pass away while Jimmy's gone. I honestly don't know how he's held on as long as he has. Every time I think he can't get worse... he does. He's a stubborn old curmudgeon and still says that he's not going to die, but I think that's he's starting to come to terms with the fact that he can't hold out much longer. I'm nervous about that because I want him to accept what's going on, but I'm also nervous that once he does accept it, then he'll be gone. It's very confusing.

My Uncle David and Aunt Linda are coming from England next week and my brother is coming back again the first of the month. I think my dad is just hanging on so he can see them all one more time. I hope he makes it.

That said, after all this death talk I really need to switch gears so I don't depress everyone so much. Then I'm gonna curl up in my sock drawer and sleep for days.... (name that quote!)

Anyways, this is one of my new favorite P&C signs ever. It's almost as good as "Body Bored".

Friday funtime...

So, things are getting to the point where my dad really can't be left home by himself for more than a short period of time, so I ended up taking the rest of today off to sit with him while my mom and brother run various errrands and pack up the rest of her office. Starting next week she'll be working from home full time, so that's a good thing.

It has not been a good day. Dad's not allowed to have control of his cigarettes anymore because he started to doze off while smoking and then it dropped on his chest. He would have set himself on fire if someone hadn't been there. Instead, he gets them one at a time so we can be sure he doesn't accidentally burn the house down. Anyways, he got very angry with me because I wouldn't give him the entire pack of cigarettes, accused me of picking sides with my mother, that I was taking away one of his few pleasures left and generally made me feel terrible. I cried, which I really hate doing.

I don't like having to do these things and feel like I'm being mean to him. I know that this is supposed to be in his best interests, but it still sucks to have to be put in this position. They don't talk about these kinds of situations when they talk about being a caregiver...

Anyway, Jimmy gave me a pep talk and reminded me that the stuff my dad is saying isn't really him. It's more him being sick and lashing out because he's angry at the situation. I just have to keep that in perspective, I guess.

What was I thinking when I said it didn't hurt?

So, not long after my dad got sick, he asked me to wear one of those yellow Lance Armstrong bracelets. Normally, I hate those bracelets. However, my dad asked me to wear it and I can't say no to that. We all wear them now.

Later on, my mom told me that my dad believes that as long as we wear them, he thinks he's going to make it.

On Tuesday, he was starting to look worse. He seemed confused at times. He was hard to understand, almost slurring and mumbling his words. He seemed a lot shakier than he used to. I had to help him get up from his chair.

Wednesday morning, he almost fell over. If I hadn't been there to catch him, he would have crashed into the table. Later that night, my mom noticed that his feet have now become swollen and shiny. She had trouble waking him up from his nap and I went over to help her out.

Also on Wednesday night, I noticed I wasn't wearing my yellow bracelet. I tracked back to when I last recalled wearing it and figured out that it must have gotten stuck on my shirt sleeve Monday night when I was getting changed. Turned out I was right, found it and put the bracelet back on.

On Thursday, he looked even worse. My mom told me that she spoke to the hospice nurse about his feet and that the reason they're swollen is because he's shutting down. His kidneys are shutting down. He probably only has a few weeks left before he goes.

Now, I like to think of myself as a rational person. I know that things were going to get to this point. I realize he isn't going to get better. But then there's that little voice that asks whether this is happening now because I wasn't wearing my bracelet.

The charge of the light brigade

So, the last few days have been pretty busy. On Thursday, there was a meeting with the doctor to go over the results for my dad's latest scans. For the most part things have plateaued and the cancer hasn't spread to any new areas, so that's good. However, the doctor also said that it's time to stop the chemo. I expected this and frankly, I was hoping for it too. Even though it sounds awful it really was time to stop. He's down to 103 pounds, he's sleeping all the time, he shakes, he's fallen twice so far... It's time to stop.

The falling is the worst. What makes it even harder was discovering how easy it is to pick my dad up. Because he weighs almost nothing. Now that's a huge dose of reality I wasn't ready for.

The doctor was pretty clear that continuing on with the chemo would be counterproductive. At this point, it would only make my dad more ill and weaker and would probably cause more harm than good. It's hard, but I still think it's time.

Plus, we finally get to start using hospice. I cannot even begin to describe the huge level of relief I have now that hospice is there. They are amazing. And fast! The doctor referred my dad on Thursday afternoon and they had an intake nurse at my parents' house by 6pm that night! She met with us for two hours and got everything started immediately. My dad already has a primary nurse, a social worker, an LPN to come in five days a week to do personal care and a homemaker to come in once a week to help out with the cleaning. Plus, they got him an air mattress (think Sleep Number) to help reduce the chance of bedsores, a cane and various other sundries. Hospice manages all the prescriptions and there are no more copays. They just tell us when to pick them up from the drug store and we get them all for free. Wow...

Seriously, it's like the cavalry rode in. I am amazed...

I'm sorry I caused all that cancer

So, it's come to my attention that I may have freaked a few people out with my earlier post regarding my dad. I want to ensure everyone that I am ok. I go through my ups and downs, but I'm still hanging in there.

Just to prove I haven't lost my sense of humor I give you this, one of my all time favorite Kids in the Hall sketches. It's still damn funny...



Believe me, a sense of humor can be a pretty important tool.

I guess what I'm trying to say is despite everything, I still manage to get through each day and I know I will continue to move forward despite everything that happens. Even though it's been difficult at times, I'm still thankful for what I've got. I got to spend most of today watching golf with my dad and I know that the serenity of the experience is something I'll remember. I'm thankful that I've got that time and I want to make the most of it. I can't imagine how hard it must be for him, but I will do whatever I can to make sure that when he leaves he knows how much he matters.

I'm also thankful at the people who have helped us (and especially my dad) through this time. It's been a blessing and it's amazing to see. No matter how small, it has made difference. I just wanted to say thanks...

I am trying to break your heart

So, my parents' house is also being remodeled, just on a much larger scale. It really needed it and I have to say that it looks better than it has in years.

Unfortunately, the reality of the situation is that the only reason the house is getting fixed up is because my father is dying. The house needs to be put into shape so that when my dad goes, mom will be able to sell it. It's like reverse nesting... It's a frustrating situation. Part of me is glad to have the time to help out and plan for what we all know is coming down the line, but it's also horrendously depressing.

I especially get annoyed when people tell me that maybe things will get better. I'm sure they mean well and they may be trying to soften things, but I'd rather not be pandered to. I know what's going on and the reality is my father will not be around much longer. The evidence is right there staring me in the face and every day he gets tinier and weaker. I can't waste my time wishing for a miracle that isn't going to come.

Every milestone and special occasion is colored somehow with the knowledge that this is the last one. I went through my last birthday with him. I gave him his last father's day card. Do you know how hard it is to look at cards, knowing that you are never going to get this chance again? How do you pick something like that out?

Sometimes, it's hard to be positive. I try because I can't give in and I want to be strong. But I get tired...