What was I thinking when I said it didn't hurt?

So, not long after my dad got sick, he asked me to wear one of those yellow Lance Armstrong bracelets. Normally, I hate those bracelets. However, my dad asked me to wear it and I can't say no to that. We all wear them now.

Later on, my mom told me that my dad believes that as long as we wear them, he thinks he's going to make it.

On Tuesday, he was starting to look worse. He seemed confused at times. He was hard to understand, almost slurring and mumbling his words. He seemed a lot shakier than he used to. I had to help him get up from his chair.

Wednesday morning, he almost fell over. If I hadn't been there to catch him, he would have crashed into the table. Later that night, my mom noticed that his feet have now become swollen and shiny. She had trouble waking him up from his nap and I went over to help her out.

Also on Wednesday night, I noticed I wasn't wearing my yellow bracelet. I tracked back to when I last recalled wearing it and figured out that it must have gotten stuck on my shirt sleeve Monday night when I was getting changed. Turned out I was right, found it and put the bracelet back on.

On Thursday, he looked even worse. My mom told me that she spoke to the hospice nurse about his feet and that the reason they're swollen is because he's shutting down. His kidneys are shutting down. He probably only has a few weeks left before he goes.

Now, I like to think of myself as a rational person. I know that things were going to get to this point. I realize he isn't going to get better. But then there's that little voice that asks whether this is happening now because I wasn't wearing my bracelet.