Wow, these questions never get easier, do they? I'm odd in that I find it much easier to forgive other people than I do myself. I can let go of things very easily that people do to me and give them chance after chance after chance, but I don't provide myself that same privilege. I can't let go of my own faults very easily, my own misconceptions and doubts about my abilities.
Here I am in what should be the prime of my life. I've had an incredible streak of good fortune in the past few months and I still continue to wait for it all to disappear. I can't trust in it. I live every day thinking something or someone is going to come along and take it away and tell me I'm not worthy of it. It's a scary thought. There is a part of me that knows I've earned some of the good things that come along, but I have to also admit that I need more reassurance that it's real. I need to let go of my old beliefs that I'm not good enough. I need reminders that I deserve good things in my life. And for now, I'm pretty good at acting the part, at least, in hopes that I'll come to believe it.
Also, I suppose my ability to give people chances is often counterproductive. I held on to the hope that I could make my marriage work much, much longer than I should of. Holding on to that dream that if I just tried a little harder to be better I could fix it well beyond the point that a normal person would have ever done so. Even after I left, I never really left completely. I still held onto that hope that we could somehow be friends and find some common ground. He told me that when I walked out, it woke him up. It made him realize how badly he treated me all those years. He told me that he went to counseling to try to work on himself. He wanted to be a better father, a better person. He wanted to stay friends. And I believed him. I still fell into that trap of wanting to believe he could change and step up, be a better father to our daughter, be a better husband to his next wife. Maybe he really understood what I went through all those years. Maybe he was really sorry this time. It took him taking my dog to the animal shelter and claiming I abandoned it to finally wake up and realize he was never going to change. It was just a new type of lie and I fell for it all over again.
And I finally got angry. Really, really angry. And I'm done. I let the divorce process linger because I didn't want to rock the boat. I wanted us to find a way to come to some sort of agreement. I wanted to make it easy for him. (After everything, I realize I was still trying to placate him! I felt so stupid...) I wanted to wait because I didn't want him to get angry at me, because who knows what he'd do. And I let my fears hold me back for almost TWO years of wasted time when I could've been free so long ago... I should have been divorced already. I let him run my life and my decisions again. And it wasn't until he went after my dog. I said this before and I'll say it again, you don't fuck with someone's dog. And I'm done. I'm so done with being nice. I just want it all over.
So, please Dear Reader, if you see me backsliding... If you see me trying to placate again... Slowing down and putting roadblocks in my way. If I start making decisions on unfounded fears and "what ifs", stop me and shake me until I come to my senses. Remind me to stay on the path and walk away from all those bad things in my past. Thank you in advance...
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