So, to be honest... No. But I'm trying to.
Though, most people probably wouldn't know this. I'm very good at pretending I'm doing better than I am. I've had years of practice. But then again, pretending I was ok when I really wasn't ended up just putting so much stress on me that I basically imploded. It really wasn't until I admitted to other people how screwed up things were that I was able to take steps to make things better.
And it is getting better. I'm starting to like myself more and trust that I deserve some success and happiness. I still question myself a lot, but I've also improved at checking those assumptions before I let the old patterns get in the way. It takes a lot of work, though. It's very hard to love yourself when you've spent well over a decade believing the worst about yourself, whether it's true or not. And it's very hard to love yourself enough to forgive yourself. I wish I could forgive myself as easily as I can forgive others. It'd probably help me let go a lot easier.
I recently described my life as being like a wobbly chair. When one leg is shorter than the others, it always keeps me off balance. One leg is work, one is family, one is financial/practical and the last is personal relationships. And right now some of those legs are a lot steadier than they've been in the past, but I still have some wobbliness. At the same time, I've also had times where I felt like I was only balancing on one or two legs, so for now I'll take what I've got and hope that continuing to put some more hope and care into myself will grant me further stability. So, do I love myself? No. But I think I'll be able to eventually, so there's that. And that hope is still better than what I had before.
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