Aziz Ansari has a fantastic show on Netflix right now called Master of None. If you haven't checked it out, you really should. One of the episodes, Ladies and Gentleman, tackles the still very real issue of sexism all around us. And it's often so hard to see from the outside, it's insidious. Many men don't see the casual comments, the behaviors that can be outright scary, the way women have to constantly think of their own safety in their interactions. This episode did an excellent job of discussing those same issues without getting overly preachy or trying to hard to resolve it, except to tell men, "Don't be creepy". Which you would think would be a pretty easy thing to follow. Sadly, it isn't. Which leads to my own personal Aziz Ansari moment...
Last week, I decided to go to the bar to have a beer with a friend. There we were, enjoying ourselves and clearly having our own personal conversation. I'd just gone to NYC with my fiancé to see the Rockettes and visit a new cat café. Yes. A café! Filled with cats! Seriously, what could be more awesome? There I am showing her the photos of the weekend with my fiancé. There is literally a picture of my fiancé on the phone screen up and in full view, when the obviously drunk guy sitting at the bar next to me taps me on the shoulder to tell me that I am "mad sexy". I don't know how else to reply except to say, "thank you" and attempt return to my conversation.
Again, he tries to start a conversation and talks about how beautiful I am, wants to know how old I am and if I'm seeing anyone. I reply that I have a fiancé, upon which the guy starts to bemoan my lack of singleness. I try to return to my conversation again, but he continues to interrupt and ask if I'm really engaged. Yes, I reply, showing the phone with my fiancé's photo still clearly displayed, "This is him." This apparently dumbfounds the man, who cannot comprehend that I am taken. He continues to say how unfair it is that I'm engaged and that he's lost his chance.
Then he asks for a hug. I decline, stating that wouldn't be right, especially since I have a fiancé. This is when he starts to argue, asking why he can't get a hug. I was already a little freaked out before, but at this point things start getting more dicey. In my mind, I want to say, "Because I don't want to hug you and you shouldn't get a hug from a total stranger just because you asked! I don't like you and I've been trying to ignore you and stop your conversation this entire time, but you won't listen! Leave me alone!" But, I can't do that because I'm seriously concerned that it would escalate things and I could get hurt. And this is a very real fear.
And it really is, I don't know if men understand how situations like this can be scary. But that creepy guy can easily turn into that guy that could seriously hurt you in a second. You don't want to set someone off who does have the capacity to overpower you. As much as I wanted to stand up and tell him to stop this, it's not appropriate, it's not right and you shouldn't feel that it's ok to step over boundaries like that, I didn't stick up for myself. Instead I just found myself trying to calm the situation by telling him it's ok, he didn't do anything wrong, it's just because I didn't feel right about it. Essentially, I apologized for my reaction to his behavior.
And I knew I shouldn't have to apologize, but I still did it anyways. It made me feel bad that I had to mitigate my own responses in order to protect myself and that I'm the one that has to stay on guard when all I want to do is sit at a bar and have a beer with a friend. But it also makes me angry that I need to do these things in the first place. I shouldn't have to go out in public with the expectation that someone normally thinks it's ok to do things that do cross the lines of appropriate behavior and that it's socially acceptable. It should be an obvious thought, "Hey, maybe I shouldn't do creepy things." Sadly, that's not how the world works and for the time being, I will have to continue to stay on guard until times and society changes.
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