Today's horoscope

"What if you had said something you wanted to say when you had the opportunity? What if you had made a left turn instead of a right when you were traveling yesterday? What if you had stopped yourself from making a critical comment to a sensitive friend? Each and every day is made up of "what if" moments, Aries. You can waste your life worrying about how things would be better if only you had done something differently. But what would be the point of that? What's done is done and there is no time for regret. Live in the moment, because an important opportunity is waiting for you to make your move. Don't live in the past."

Wow, something I needed to hear right now. I keep reading these horoscopes because they're more like daily affirmations right now. I've been in kind of in a dark place and I've been focusing too much on my failures and mistakes. As a result, I went through what I suppose would best be described as a mini breakdown that left me emotionally and physically drained. It actually made me physically ill. I don't want to be that way anymore. I need to refocus. I guess I have a lot of work ahead of me, but I need to make some major changes in my life. And i need to stop beating myself up for all the stupid things I've done and move on. Wish me luck.

Question 1 - Who are you?

You know, you would think this would be an easy question, but it's actually quite hard. I've also been feeling pretty low lately, so by answering it today I'm probably going to be a lot harder on myself than I would on a different day.

So, who am I? I'm a 38 year old mother of a teenage girl and three insane Labrador retrievers. I live in chaos. I'm hoping to be divorced soon and am finding the process emotionally and financially draining.  It's been difficult being on my own and I often feel completely alone in the world, but I still think it's better than being married.  I also have a hard time letting people help me, so I have to take responsibility for the problems that come out of wanting to take everything on by myself, so I don't have to be a burden. As little as I like to ask for help, I'm a person who has spent years working in human services, helping all manner of other people. At least I hope I've helped people. It's a hard job, so sometimes I wonder how much I have accomplished.   I'm a geek.  I know it's now trendy to call yourself a geek, but I really am one.  I've always had a love of the strange and unusual, perhaps because I am strange and unusual.  (Yes, that is a Beetlejuice reference)  I can talk forever about Star Trek, MST3K, video games, Supernatural, Doctor Who, Tolkein, Robert Jordan, Piers Anthony, etc...  But I still don't get steampunk.  I guess that's where my geekdom draws the line.

I hate to discuss how I'm feeling, which is why I'm doing this. I'm much better discussing what I'm doing. But. I'm trying to push myself into exploring stuff that I should in hopes that I can make some changes.  I don't really like who I am right now, so I'm hoping some self analysis will be a good thing to open me up to something better.  I guess I'm just someone who wants to feel like they've been of use in the world and left something positive behind.  I hope I am that person...

101 Questions

2012 was a year of upheaval for me...  I went through a lot of changes and a lot of difficulties.  And frankly, the last half of 2012 sucked. At times, I was just struggling to get through each day, bouncing around like a pinball.  I have been through so much, I think I lost a lot of my self worth.  So, I'm trying to make 2013 a year where I start to make some positive changes.

Anyway, in order to make changes I think I need to take some time for some serious reflection and self analysis.  So, what better thing to do than to bare my soul and put it all out on the internet for all to see?  My project will be to answer all the questions on the Self-Reflection Manifesto.  Let's see where this thing leads me...

Deep thoughts...

I'm starting to think of my daily horoscope app as more of a daily inspiration app. I'm not saying that I really believe horoscopes are actually real. But, whoever is writing them lately seems to be doing a good job of writing things I need to hear so I can move forward in a positive direction. Anyway, this was helpful for me today, so I guess that's all that matters.

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life. This inspirational message has been popular for many years. Today, Aries, it strongly applies to you and your life. Although you can't erase every mistake or every regret, you can learn from what you have been through. There is a particular lesson you now need to embrace to make something wonderful happen. You know what you have to do because you've been thinking about it for quite some time. Take the above quotation seriously - and you can make this the first day of a much brighter and more profitable future."

And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know, my weakness I feel I must finally show.

A bit late to the Welcome 2013 party... I know.

I've spent a lot of time going over 2012 in my head. And it was filled with so much change. And so much struggle. I had some huge highs and awful, awful lows.

Frankly, I look back now and I don't think I can take another year like that. I feel like I spent so much of my time so hurt and wounded. It's like I was being bounced around in a pinball machine. I need to figure out how to get my bearings back. I'm just so tired of bouncing around. All I want for 2013 is some stability.

I know what I'm bringing to the next Christmas party!

Not only does it have a Christmas cheese ball, but there's even a Valentine's day themed one in the background.  With green olives.  Green olives are EVERYWHERE in these recipes.

Christmas is coming!

Despite what the picture looks like, I swear that there is no ground beef in this... pudding.  Happy Holidays!

Everything goes better with Jello!

Or does it?

Next steps...

Corrections are made for the separation paperwork.  I got the revised documents back in the mail  today, but it looks like Jimmy still hasn't disclosed his finances.  I'm so frustrated.  One more thing to hold things up.  If he doesn't give his financial information to the lawyer when he returns to NY, that's it.  There's no point in negotiating any further, he's just going to drag that out as  long as he can.  I can't help thinking about how I'm struggling when he claims that he's not making anything. Then he texts me a picture of the motorcycle he's building.  Even my daughter knows he's lying about how much money he makes and she's just a kid.  If he doesn't disclose, I'm going to have to formally file through Family Court.  I don't want to have to do it, but I don't think I have any more options.

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Hahahahahaha... No further comment needed.