10. How can you love yourself more today?

I believe I may have partially answered this question already in the last post, but not in a very specific way.  I know I have to be easier on myself and not believe the worst.  So, here's the things I can do today:

• Remind myself that I'm worthwhile and I've had a lot of good things too, despite the bad.
• Remind myself of the positive steps I've taken and that I do deserve to be happy.
• Do more nice things for myself.
• Stop and question when I'm feeling down if it's real or if it's stuff that I'm holding onto that other people have told me.
• Relax.
• Let go.

Sounds simple, I suppose. But the letting go part is hard. Even when it's something that might not be good for me, I'm holding onto a lot of familiar patterns and ways of thinking because it's what I know.  Letting go and starting fresh is scary.  I think the things I've been doing have been starting to pay off, but I still worry.

And now, I'm about to move out of my house (at least on a temporary basis).  Jaime's dad is going to come in and spend some time with her.  I don't know how it'll work, but it's what Jaime wants and we have been going through a rough period ever since the separation. Jaime has been blaming me for everything and has done her best to make sure I know that she considers it all my fault.  It's hard to have the person that you love most tell you and show you on a daily basis how much anger and contempt they have for you.  It's hard because there's also the other child who you know loves you, but is so confused and doesn't know how to reconcile that with so much anger.  And it sounds terrible, but I'm tired.  Her dad wants to give it a go with her and I need to let him.  I don't have a lot of faith that it'll work out, but I also know that I have fought and tried for well over a year with Jaime and she is not getting better.  And if her dad is serious about actually trying with her, I need to let him try.

It's the hardest thing I've ever done to let her go with her dad.  There's a part of me that screaming inside this is a terrible idea, but there's another part that says if it's what makes Jaime better then it's what I need to do. And maybe taking the stress off of being the main caregiver and enforcer, letting her dad take that over will give her and I a chance to relate on a different level and heal our relationship.  Maybe it'll help me heal, too. I just need to let her go and figure out who's really there for her and supporting her.  Then hopefully, she can make the choice to come back to me on her own.  Or maybe she will be ok with her dad.  If that's what it takes for her to get better, I guess it's what needs to happen.  Just wish me (and especially Jaime) luck.

8. Do you love yourself? … 9. Why or Why not?

So, to be honest...  No.  But I'm trying to.

Though, most people probably wouldn't know this.  I'm very good at pretending I'm doing better than I am. I've had years of practice.  But then again, pretending I was ok when I really wasn't ended up just putting so much stress on me that I basically imploded.  It really wasn't until I admitted to other people how screwed up things were that I was able to take steps to make things better.

And it is getting better. I'm starting to like myself more and trust that I deserve some success and happiness. I still question myself a lot, but I've also improved at checking those assumptions before I let the old patterns get in the way.  It takes a lot of work, though.  It's very hard to love yourself when you've spent well over a decade believing the worst about yourself, whether it's true or not. And it's very hard to love yourself enough to forgive yourself.  I wish I could forgive myself as easily as I can forgive others. It'd probably help me let go a lot easier.

I recently described my life as being like a wobbly chair.  When one leg is shorter than the others, it always keeps me off balance. One leg is work, one is family, one is financial/practical and the last is personal relationships.  And right now some of those legs are a lot steadier than they've been in the past, but I still have some wobbliness.  At the same time, I've also had times where I felt like I was only balancing on one or two legs, so for now I'll take what I've got and hope that continuing to put some more hope and care into myself will grant me further stability.  So, do I love myself?  No.  But I think I'll be able to eventually, so there's that.  And that hope is still better than what I had before.

Question 7: What are your values? What do you represent? What do you want to embody?

So, returning to the 101 questions...  I'm actually in a much better place than I was when I started this project, so I suppose I put it to the wayside.  I have a new job that I really enjoy.  It's a complete change from working in human services over the past decade, plus a few years. It's kind of scary to make such a big change, but exhilarating. I'm slowly getting more financially secure, which is also an added bonus.  Jaime has had a very difficult couple years with all the changes we've been through, but I feel like she's finally starting to turn a corner and that makes home life much easier.  I have a good support network from my friends and family that has helped me get back on track when I felt like a failure.  I had some other personal disappointments have also turned a corner and I'm starting to think that the struggles I went through on that front did serve to make things stronger in the end and brought me back to where I wanted to be as they resolved themselves in a positive manner.  So, yeah. I'm feeling pretty good right now. I hope it continues.

I also have to admit that Question 7 is a really hard question to answer.  I really had to dig deep to think about not only what my values are, but how well am I truly living up to them.  Though, I don't know if there's anyone outside of the Dalai Lama that can say they truly embody everything they strive to be.  So, again, stop being so hard on myself, Alex.

My family was definitely instrumental in instilling core values that carry through me.  We had several "Number One Rules" that were drilled into our heads.  For example:

• 1. Always tell the truth.
• 1. Never quit a job until you get another.
• 1. Always carry a book wherever you go.
• 1. Always pack a blue blazer (or the female equivalent of this)

And it sounds like very basic things, but sometimes the most important basic truths really are distilled down to a simple statements. Telling the truth means you're honest, even when it's hard.  Making sure you have a job means your self sufficient, but also not quitting early gives you drive to hang in there when things are tough.  Sometimes it gets better, but when it doesn't, if you plan for it and make a smart change into something better, you'll have better results then when you just give up out of anger and frustration. Then you're not left floundering.  Reading IS fundamental, it broadens your knowledge. Plus, it gives you something to do when you're stuck in a really long line, your train is late, etc. and keeps you from getting flustered.  And now with the advent of technology, my Nook and smartphone make this even easier!  And with the blue blazer, it's more about always being prepared for any circumstances.  It's also important that you are able to look dapper at a moment's notice. You never know when you might get the opportunity to do something interesting.  Anyways, that's just some of the rules.

I won't lie, I don't follow the number one rules perfectly.  I try, though.  And that's important.  I still think about what my father would say if he were still alive to give me advice. His decades in Boy Scouts definitely instilled a lot of knowledge.  And I am still amazed how many people I run into that tell me how important my father was to them when they were in his scout troop.  It just happened again this weekend.  I think I find it especially amazing because my father was a quiet man, so I didn't realize how much he influenced others until after he was gone and people came out of the woodwork to tell me.  But then again, I don't think my father did the things he did to get appreciation. He just did it because it was the right thing to do.

I want to do that, too.

Sometimes you wanna go...

So, last night after a long night of work, I felt the urge to go to Horigans to unwind with a pint of Guinness, a BLT and a good book at the bartop.

I had just settled in, pulled out my trusty Nook when my friend Katie (who also happens to be the owner) cheerfully called out my name to join her and her family and friends.

And yes, I had a good time, good food and drink. But I also learned tonight's lesson. If you're looking for a place to do some quiet reading, it's probably best not to pick the place where everybody know your name.

At the same time, when your favorite establishment serves something like this, it's also pretty hard NOT to make it your first choice.

Question 6 - How would you describe yourself?

Hmm...  I suppose I'm struggling hard not to describe myself as a failure.  I've been through a lot.  Losing my job, losing my financial stability, losing my faith in myself to a great extent.  Since last summer, I've been dealing with the feeling that everything I've worked with has slipped away.  It got me caught up in a really ugly cycle where I didn't like myself very much and I was starting to believe my life was just going to continue to spiral.  And I hit rock bottom and it sucked.

But when I was at my lowest, a good friend of mine took notice at just the right time and told me I was one of the strongest women she knew.  I don't know how much I believe it myself, but it's still a statement I've been holding on to in order to remind myself that all these struggles will pass.  At least I hope so.

So, maybe calling myself a failure is more my own fractured thinking.  I know I'm harder on myself than I should be and I hold myself up to a much higher standard than I do other people.  As a result, when things don't turn out exactly as they should for me, I can't handle it. I don't like failure. I don't like making mistakes and I end up punishing myself.  I'm trying to be easier on myself, but it's a very hard thing to learn.  I've found it helpful to try to step outside myself and ask how I would judge someone else vs. how I would judge my own behavior.  That way, I can be a little more forgiving of my faults, rather than getting wrapped up in being mad at myself.  

So, right now I'm going to stop calling myself a failure. I'm going to call myself a new soul with a new start to make my life anything I want it to be.  

Question 5: What are the most important things to you in life?

Well, an obvious answer to this question is my daughter Jaime.  She is the person who truly taught me how to love someone unconditionally.  She is the one thing in the world that is completely and utterly mine and I will protect her fiercely.  She is also the most challenging person and teaches me patience and understanding during those moments I'm ready to scream from dealing with the difficulties she presents. She has taught me to be a stronger and a better person, not only for her but for myself.

But I shouldn't stop there because it is such an obvious answer. And there's a lot more to me than being a mother. The fact is, parenthood is hard, time consuming and if that was my only identity, I'd probably go insane.

So for myself, I find my quest to learn new things to be important.  I love soaking in new knowledge. I love learning weird facts.  It doesn't sound like something of great importance, but continuing to deepen my understanding of things provides me with a lot of mental stimulation. And putting myself in the role of "eternal student" reminds me that no matter what, there is still so much in the world to learn and explore.  I think it's helped me continue to have a curious view of the world and allowed me to take more enjoyrment in things when I'm able to understand them better.  So, for me that's important.

In addition, trying to take care of myself physically is important.  I like to be healthy and active. I know I fall down in the area of eating better and that's something I need to pay better attention to, but I try.  Sometimes.  I have made really good strides in working out on a fairly regular basis and have reached the point where I actually feel off-kilter when I'm not working out.  It's also probably the best stress reliever I've found.

So, that's what I've come up with so far...

Take Two on Question 4: What are you most grateful for in life

• I am grateful for the friends and family I have that are here to support me when I need it, and especially the times when they know I need it, but am just too stubborn to ask for it.
• I am grateful that I have a beautiful daughter who is challenging and infuriating to the point that it makes me rip my hair out.  But she is also strong, driven and incredibly bright.  She is caring, silly and makes me laugh.  I guess when it comes down to it, I wouldn't have her any other way.
• I am grateful that my daughter stopped being a vegetarian. I know it's a horrible thing to admit, but I missed my bacon.  Besides, she did it more out of a dare from a friend than actually for any real reasons, so I don't feel as bad about being happy about it.  We will continue to eat more meat free meals, though.
• I am grateful that despite my dire financial straits, I still have a home, food in my cupboards and working transportation.  I at least know that my basic needs are intact and I can build on the rest.
• I am grateful that I have the ability to see the big picture when I'm struggling and have been learning to appreciate the small steps forward to keep me going.
• I am grateful that I have a stress relieving tool in working out.  Between Zumba, running and whatever else I do exercise why, I have found that strengthening my body helps strengthen my mind.  I especially find a peace in running that allows me to clear my head of all my worries, even if it's just for an hour.
• I am grateful that I learned to like dogs.  I had to go waaaay out of my comfort zone to even agree to one dog and I'm glad I did it.  They're wonderful creatures. And there's something to be said for unconditional love.
• I am grateful that neither my daughter nor I have had to deal with any major medical issues.  (Hopefully, that didn't just jinx me!)
• I am grateful that despite everything that has been thrown at me over the years, that I have been able to pick myself up again (eventually) and keep moving forward.  It hasn't been easy, but I always think about the advice of my old drill sergeant to "suck it up and drive on."  Sometimes that's all you can do and sometimes that's enough to at least get you to the next day.
• I am grateful that I developed a better relationship with my brother.  We never got along as children, but some point along the way as adults we realized that we actually liked each other.  =)  It's good to have him in my life.
• I am grateful that I have started to learn to rely on people, rather than keep things bottled in. I still have trouble letting people in, but I'm trying really hard to do better with it.
• I am grateful that I have an opportunity to make my life new. I went through a lot of bad times and rather than beat myself up any more on my past mistakes, I am going to try to focus on starting over and making it better.  I don't know where that will lead, but I am ready to try to do something good. 

A red letter day...

I found something that not even the promise of bacon would tempt me to eat...

By the way, I do have a new blog post kicking around in my head, talking about my first real massage ever...  So, be prepared.  I also will be returning to my gratitude list soon now that I'm in a much better frame of mind (despite the above picture trying to spoil it for me...).

Ahoy!

Well, thanks to a good friend and a long talk today, I'm feeling a little less hopeless.  Every little bit helps...  So, this is just for you (but I'm also happy for anyone who might follow my blog to enjoy, as well... )  Raise a patriotic mug of beer...

Question 4: What are you most grateful for in life?

I'm having a hard time with gratitude right now... This question has just been sitting here, staring at me. I feel selfish and small for not being able to come up with a decent list.  Like I'd be lying to myself by writing it.  I'm not feeling grateful.  And I'm mad at myself for being so weak that I can't bring myself to make a list, but it just seems hollow.  I suppose I should be grateful for still having a house, having my daughter, the dogs, but that's all I've got right now.  I'm still feeling weak.

I suppose I'll take another stab at this one again when I'm in a better place.