Bad Day

I hate September. I just feel fragile the whole month counting down to the 27th. I lost so much this past year so I think it's affecting me more than usual. I've been trying to stay positive, but it's starting to wear thin.

I feel like a failure. I'm broke all the time to the point where I think I need to apply for reduced lunches for Jaime. That's such a blow to my self esteem. I hate it. I hate struggling. I know it's supposed to get better in the end, but what if it doesn't? What if everything I went through was for nothing? Some days it's just hard to keep going.

I suppose I have to take responsibility for my situation. I made a lot of mistakes over the years. Now all that has come back to bite me. I wish I had made better choices. I wish I wasn't stuck in the situations I'm in. I wish I could have done better.

Wherein Alex revisits recipes that will most likely never be found on Pinterest.

I have to say, these Betty Crocker recipe cards were a goldmine.  Today we visit, Recipes Children Can Make.

Now, I'm pretty sure no child likes meatloaf in the first place.  I never did, and it was a universally acknowledged truth that my mother made the best meatloaf ever.  I cannot understand who would think it would be a good idea to wrap the meatloaf around hard boiled eggs.

This disproves the theory that anything with bacon is edible.  Maybe the horror of this picture is due to the poor lighting, but I don't believe it.  I believe there are cheese nightmares in my future.

I'm sure the cookies are good. However their presentation with the scary Poltergeist clown kind of ruins it for me...  

I think I may revisit more man friendly recipes next.  After all, men love their potatoes...

It's got raisins in it. You like raisins.

Today at work I found a horrifying collection of Betty Crocker recipes circa 1971.  So horrifying... they're awesome.  So, I had to rifle through and take a few shots.

Mmm... nothing says dinner like Crusty Salmon Shortcakes.  The olive garnish on top is an especially nice touch.  This is supposed to be a memorable treat to wow your party guests. I agree that it will certainly leave an impression.

But, what about a nice apertif? Let's look under Men's Favorites...

This is some sort of cocktail called Pow! Yes, the exclamation point really is part of the name.  To make a glass of Pow! requires 2 cans of beef broth, 1 cup water, 1 1/4 teaspoons horseradish and 1/4 teaspoon dill weed.  Add a celery "swizzle stick" for garnish and you've got yourself a nice man pleasing mug of meat juice.

Wow they even manage to make ice cream look revolting...

Stay tuned for Part 2 - Stuff to make with kids...

Sorry I caused all that cancer

So, next week will be the four year anniversary of my father's death from lung cancer. Despite the fact that it's been several years, I still think of him every day.  It's especially hard considering the troubles I've been going through lately. I could use his presence in my life right now to keep me steady and on track.  One of my regrets is that I caused my father undue stress and worry about me and my life choices.  And I wish that he could be here to see the steps I've taken over the past year to move on with my life on my own.  It's been especially hard because he understood better than anyone else has.  I didn't have to say anything, he just knew and he brought a quiet peace to me when I needed it.  I loved my dad because he loved me without any judgement.

As I've alluded to before, September is a very difficult month because as I approach that anniversary all those memories come flooding back.  Some of that time was like being trapped in a fog of pain that I just couldn't find my way out of.  Cancer is a terrible thing.  The pain of watching a person waste away, to know you cannot do anything to stop it, it's indescribable.  I don't ever want to see another loved one go through it again.

But what bothered me most was when people ask about dad and I would tell them about the cancer, the first question was almost always, "did he smoke?"  And I know people didn't mean it to offend, but let me tell you, it pissed me off every single time. It was an unspoken statement that somehow he had brought it upon himself.  I remember my anger when we were struggling to give Dad the care he needed, to pay for his medications, to get financial assistance.   I heard so many times that there's money for breast cancer, but not lung cancer. There's no funding for lung cancer because people don't see it as a desirable cause to fund.  This despite the fact that lung cancer is much more lethal than breast cancer.  It's just the pink ribbon brigade has better PR.  Why bother with lung cancer?  If people didn't smoke in the first place, they wouldn't get it.

Well, you know what? You should bother with it because it kills people.  It killed my dad.  And my dad didn't deserve to go through the suffering he did.  He didn't deserve to waste away like he did. And I don't care if it was because he smoked.  I loved him and he's gone and every time someone asks, "did he smoke" it's like a knife in my heart. Again and again and again...

http://noonedeservestodie.org/

Days like this...

I wish my dad was still alive and that I could just sit quietly in the library with him, reading and watching cooking shows. I need someone to be a calming presence for me with all my worries of the future.

Harder Better Faster Stronger

So, this weekend I braved a nasty chest cold to run in the Ithaca 5 and 10.  I probably should have skipped it, but I had been planning on running this race for months and had already paid my entrance fee so I was determined to run.  And I am glad I did push through and do it.  It certainly wasn't easy, but I did it.

I ended up with a 5 mile time of 51:32, averaging 10:19 a mile.  Not the greatest, but at least somewhat respectable, especially considering I was still feeling sick.  So, I'll take it. It'll give me a benchmark to work with for my next race.  That one's going to be a trail run, which I always enjoy.

I think I like running because so much of it is based on willpower and endurance.  I've never been the fastest person, but I have the ability to just keep pushing along. I was talking to my daughter about long distance running and I couldn't give better advice other than to just say, "You just keep running."  It's so simplistic, but it's really all I do.

I think about this because I have a lot on my plate in my personal life and I have a lot of obstacles coming up.  I guess I need to put my advice for running to heart and utilize it in life. No matter what comes my way I'm just going to have to tap into that stamina and keep running.

Welcome to Shawshank

So, to backtrack to a week ago, I recently got back from a mini vacation to Ocean City. On the way down, we took a few hours to stop in Philadelphia to check out a place I've wanted to visit for years, Eastern State Penitentiary

 This behemoth was actually right in the middle of a very pleasant residential district.  Just imagine waking up to that every morning...  It even had a school and playground right next door.  Awesome. I also was impressed with the fact that I got free parking.  In fact, I was very impressed by Philadelphia in general.  I know I missed out on the skeevier areas, but the parts I saw were beautiful, the traffic is workable and I just felt a good vibe from the city in general.  For some odd reason it kind of felt like a place I could come home to.  

But my main goal was the prison.  I came to Eastern State Penitentiary hoping for lots of decay and general creepiness and I'm happy to say it did not disappoint.  

Death Row

We took the self guided tour, which was narrated by none other than Steve Buscemi.  Another point added for awesomeness...  Although they have a recommended starting point, it's not really necessary and there's just so much to wander around and explore.    As you hit different markers, you have the option to listen to clips about the history of the prison, the architecture, some of the famous inmates and such. They also have scheduled mini-tours where a guide will talk more in depth about different sections of the prison, including a tour of the pit where they kept the worst prisoners in solitary.


I also liked the art installations. While we were there, they had put in a series of stained glass windows called "The Battle of Carnival and Lent" by Judith Schaechter.  Very creepy, yet beautiful. It was nice to suddenly come upon something like this unexpectedly.  It is so easy to spend hours here.

Not only that, it managed to entertain two 13 year old girls, which is high praise, indeed. I think their main interest was more in the creepiness factor (I admit it, so was mine), but they did seem to take a real interest in actually learning about the prison.  I was pleasantly surprised to see the one area that captured their interest the most was a presentation about the lives of transgender prisoners and the difficulties they face. They were quite touched by it. It made me realize how far we have come in our society (though we still have a long way to go) that our children are able to learn about things that not long ago was not even talked about, much less accepted.

And I got to see the main thing I came for. Al Capone's cell.

The guide told us that his bodyguard was housed right next door.  I guess being rich doesn't hurt too badly when you're in prison.

Overall, it more than met my expectations and was able to get my fill of creepy prison photos.  Jaime is already talking about a return trip to take the Terror Behind the Walls tour for Halloween.  It does sound tempting...

To Have Me Crystalised

September is generally a maudlin month for me already, so I suppose I'm dwelling a lot on the past. One of the things I didn't realize about divorce for a long time was that I needed to mourn for my marriage.  It's a stage I ignored because I was the one who chose to leave, so in my mind it didn't occur to me to be anything other than grateful to finally be out.  And everyone was so happy for me, I should be happy.

And I was happy.  I now have the freedom to make so many decisions that I didn't have for years. I can choose to live my life any way I want. It's a wonderful thing.  I certainly don't regret leaving and I know I did what I needed to do.  At the same time, I feel regret over a lot of things. I'm the type of person that likes to fix things. And I married someone who was damaged and spent well over a decade trying to fix that damage.   I married my husband believing it was forever, believing that I could somehow find a way to make it work and as the years went on, constantly trying to keep things smooth wore on me and eventually caused me to shut down. To just shut out all the pain and focus on just making it through the day.  I look back at all those years and think of all the time I spent trying to keep things together and I feel such a sense of regret.  Then guilt, because I should have left so long ago. But I stayed out of love and out of hope that things would change.  If I just tried a little harder, things would get better.  I pushed myself to be as good as I could be and it was so draining. I don't know how I made it through sometimes when I look back.

And that's where people get confused. I hear that question so many times about why I stayed as long as I did. I hear the judgement in it and it is so painful.  I don't know if I have a better answer than you can't understand unless you live through it.  As hard as staying is, leaving is so much harder. And staying gone is even harder than that.  It doesn't make sense to people outside of it, I know. What I can say is that as terrible as things got, I knew how to survive.  And survival took a lot of energy and a lot of focus. Living in the storm, it's hard to see anything beyond it. It's only afterwards, that you're able to survey the damage left behind.

When I left my marriage, I left a dream of a life I wanted and tried so hard to have. And that dream died.  I still at times feel like a failure for not being able to do better. Whether it's right or wrong, I went in to marriage with the intentions of being married forever.  Of raising a family and building a home.  And I tried so hard to make it happen.  I felt it was my responsibility to make it work.  I can see now that it really wasn't all on me, but it's still hard for me to not feel guilt.  I'm trying, though.

Maybe the sun will shine today

So, after three days away for a mini vacation, I have returned home right when everyone else is going away for Labor Day. I'm weird in that I work a lot on weekends when everyone else is usually off. This is a good thing in that I get to do a whole lot of errands during the week and I also get needed alone time during when my daughter (finally) returns to school next week.  On the other side, I'm also usually working while everyone else is doing cool stuff.  However, taking a midweek vacation right before Labor Day was a financial plus.  I also got a beachfront hotel to stay at for dirt cheap.  Thanks, Priceline!

And believe me, I need a vacation.  Going through divorce is stressful enough, but piled on with financial stress, work stress, personal stress, relationship stress, family stress, insane chasing my insane escape artist dogs down the street stress, etc... I really was about ready to rip my hair out.  I was feeling a huge urge to just GET AWAY. Get away from everything and everyone, even if it was just for a few days.  I just needed to escape. Get somewhere where I could quiet my mind and focus on something, anything other than all the troubles I've been through.  My mother was good enough to help me out and essentially pay the costs of the vacation, for which I cannot thank her enough.

Did it work? I guess for a few days it did.  Standing on the edge of the beach and watching the waves is very calming and I did get a chance to clear my mind at least for a while.

So, even a few days peace was worth it.  At the same time, peace never lasts. The closer I got home last night, I could feel the weight of all my troubles returning.  I hope my time away at least buoys me through a lot of dark times ahead.