In case you're tired of leftover turkey

This is why people are afraid of clowns...

Thought it was time to lighten the mood from all that self-analysis. So, I welcome the return of the Betty Crocker recipe cards!

28. What are your biggest goals and dreams?

So, I just answered a question about opportunities, I went through my bucket list, I identified what's most important to me...  I guess this is where I start to put it all together.  So, what are my goals and dreams?

• I want to be debt free.
• I want a home that I can call completely my own.
• I want to travel across the country by car.
• I want to visit every Disney park (I never pretended all my goals were going to be serious).  Two down so far...
• I want to own a lake house.
• I want to see my daughter graduate from college and become something better than I am.
• I want to be more self-sufficient.  As much as I've learned it's ok to accept help from others, I still pride myself on being able to take care of my own business.
• I want to run that Tough Mudder I keep putting off.  I am determined that I will not let 2014 go by without doing it. 
• Walk the Camino de Santiago (yes, I know this is already on my bucket list)
• Have a home where I feel safe and content no matter what comes my way.

That's a decent start.

27. How can you create these opportunities?

Now, this...  this is where my problem is.  Most of my opportunities seem to have come to me, rather than me seeking them out.  Don't get me wrong, I've still experienced a lot of great things.  My willingness to say yes to those opportunities that have presented themselves has led me down some interesting paths.  I'm always willing to try something new that comes along because I figure even if it works, it'll still be an interesting experience.  One of the reasons, I never get afraid about getting lost. Something always shows up that's sometimes even better than what I originally planned.  But I think I've also missed out on a lot by not taking charge and forging my own path.  Searching out my own opportunities.  So, the question is? How do I start?

Well, one of the first things I have to do is allow myself to be more social.  I swear, I'm not a hermit.  I do go out and do things.  But it's usually just within my small circle of friends.  So, I know I need to make an effort to become more socially adept.  By increasing my social sphere, I know in turn it will help me forge more connections.  And then those connections can grow into more opportunities, both on a personal and a professional level.  It's just hard to put yourself out there. But in order to work towards larger professional goals, I need to motivate myself to become more social.  And I'm not terrible at it, it's just that as an introvert, it's terribly terribly draining...

I need to learn to take more chances.  I need to explore more.  I need to be more adventurous and take more risks.  Maybe sky diving!  (no, not really...) But I do need to allow myself to grow more and not get stuck in a rut.  I'm not going to find adventure sitting at home with my books and my dog.  I need to find less things to say no to and figure out how to say yes.  i know, it sounds like a platitude, but there's a lot of things I've put off for no good reason and time's slipping by.  I already wasted too much time on things and people I shouldn't have.

I want to be more honest with people instead of hiding what I'm really thinking and feeling.  That's even scarier.  Just writing this blog has been scary.  I know, everyone's favorite topic is themselves... But I've found this experience of putting my life on view to be a very discomfiting experience.  But, it's also been good for me.  It's like putting thing on view makes me more responsible to live up to what I'm saying, even if it's to an audience of mostly strangers.  I'm hoping that this will allow me to take more chances in the future because I need to back up what I say. And hopefully as a result, it will bring on new, sometimes uncomfortable and hopefully rewarding experiences and opportunities.  Anyways, it's a start.

26. What opportunities are you looking for?

I do like the word opportunities vs. goals.  It sounds much more appealing.  More like an adventure I'm about to start...  I like that.

So, what am I looking for?  I'm looking for adventure!

I am...  I really am.  Life is scary, I think I've spent a lot of time moaning about my worries and fears during quite a few of these 101 Things posts.  But, despite all my fears I also think that one of my greatest strengths is my capacity to look on the bright side even when things are rough.

And if you don't appreciate this joke, I'm sorry to tell you this, but you are no longer a friend of mine...

I want adventure, but I am also realistic.  I need security, too.  I need to feel safe, so I can take chances. It sounds counterintuitive, but it isn't.  I want to have a safety net, so that way I can feel more confident in taking more chances.  I have taken some steps into unknown territory with my new job.  And so far, that's paid off. I think moving into insurance has been a good move for me.  I feel like I'm still able to help people, but I can also grow career-wise,  as well.  I  like the fact that I'm embarking on my own path for once, rather than what other people want me to do.  I want to stretch my wings further. 

I don't know if I can rattle of specifics right now. But I do want the opportunity to explore my options further.  I want to be able to try new things, go new places and take more time just for me.  I want to try things outside of my comfort zone and not be so afraid to fail.  I want to explore.  I want my adventure.

25. What are your Quadrant 2 tasks?

Now, most people probably don't know what a Quadrant 2 task is.  Neither did I until I started this exercise.  It's part of a time management system that is supposed to help you manage your time better by organizing and prioritizing your tasks and goals.  And I have a chart!

I really only have a superficial understanding of all this, so I'm not going to go into a deep explanation.  But, the idea is Quadrant 2 is where you are setting your long term goals. The is where your building blocks for the future reside and where you're identifying steps for your goals and setting deadlines. It's also an area I'm sorely lacking in.

I spend lot more time in Quadrant 1, working on my short term goals, reacting to issues that come come up and thinking on my feet.  And that's not necessarily a bad thing, because one of my skills is that I do very well under pressure.  There's a part of me that even enjoys that rush when I come across a difficult problem, people want help NOW and I'm the one who can fix it.  It's one of the reasons I was so good at my job at DSS.  I was always the person that was called out to deal with the complex situations, the toughest cases and most difficult people. The down side of it was that it also burned me out.  I never got to relax and I lost sight of taking care of myself so that I could continue to take care of business.  That's why I'm working on trying to reduce my stress and slow down.  I don't want to burn out again.

Long term planning is not something I'm good at.  It's really hard thinking about all these plans.  It's hard to reframe my thinking and planning from what do I need to take care of today vs. what do I need to plan for to be where I want in five years?  I admit, I've not put enough thought into how I'm going to achieve what I want.  I don't even know where to start in some areas, I think I just trust that if I take it day to day, the solutions will present themselves.  It's more of a haphazard way of thinking, but it's also taken me down some interesting paths.

I worry too much planning will restrict me.  (It's also important to keep in mind when it comes to Quadrant 2, that one has to make sure not fall into the trap of scheduling and planning everything, otherwise you get bogged down by it and lose out on other opportunities that may arise. Everything in balance...) I like having the freedom to make the choices as they come and see where it leads me.  But I also have to start taking more long term responsibility. I just got licensed as an insurance agent.  I don't want to treat it as just another job, I want it to be a career and an opportunity for growth.  I like the fact that I can continue to help people, while I'm also doing something that's going to make me more financially stable.  It's nice to see myself not struggle so much and actually be able to put some money down towards my debts.  But I also still see that goal as me still focusing on the immediate vs. the long term. And although I want to have a better life and a family, I just haven't identified all the steps on how to achieve it.  So, maybe for now my Quadrant 2 is still in the information gathering and analysis stage so I can formulate a doable plan.  It doesn't sound like a lot, but I suppose even the smallest step is better than none.

24. What are you busy with today? Will this matter 1 year from now? 3 years? 5 years?

Good lord... How am I not busy lately? I feel like my life lately is filled with nothing but business. It's almost impossible to breathe sometimes. What am I busy with? A complete career change, planning for my financial stability and getting rid of my debts. Trying to be a good mother, a good daughter. Trying to navigate the maze that is my personal life.  I'm busy trying to make everything better, make myself better.

Will it matter years down the line? I suppose that depends on whether I'm making the right decisions right now. I hope I am. All I really want is to feel some stability. To feel safe that my choices are good ones. That I'm laying the ground work for a better life. One where I can feel like I've accomplished something and that I'm loved and I'm happy. I hope I'm on the right path, but I'm feeling a lot of doubts about whether some of the things I've chosen to put my faith in won't end up hurting me in the end.

I hope in a year from now I'll feel a bit more secure. I hope in three years, I'll have some accomplishments under my belt. I'm hoping by five, I'll have built a home and a life to be proud of. But I've had those hopes before and they didn't work out. I don't want to fail again. I don't want to think that the goals I'm working towards are just as illusory as my old goals were. I guess I'll have to wait and see.

23. Is there something you’re still holding on to? Is it time to let it go?

Wow, these questions never get easier, do they?  I'm odd in that I find it much easier to forgive other people than I do myself. I can let go of things very easily that people do to me and give them chance after chance after chance, but I don't provide myself that same privilege.  I can't let go of my own faults very easily, my own misconceptions and doubts about my abilities.

Here I am in what should be the prime of my life.  I've had an incredible streak of good fortune in the past few months and I still continue to wait for it all to disappear.  I can't trust in it. I live every day thinking something or someone is going to come along and take it away and tell me I'm not worthy of it.  It's a scary thought.  There is a part of me that knows I've earned some of the good things that come along, but I have to also admit that I need more reassurance that it's real.  I need to let go of my old beliefs that I'm not good enough.  I need reminders that I deserve good things in my life.  And for now, I'm pretty good at acting the part, at least, in hopes that I'll come to believe it.

Also, I suppose my ability to give people chances is often counterproductive.  I held on to the hope that I could make my marriage work much, much longer than I should of.  Holding on to that dream that if I just tried a little harder to be better I could fix it well beyond the point that a normal person would have ever done so. Even after I left, I never really left completely.  I still held onto that hope that we could somehow be friends and find some common ground. He told me that when I walked out, it woke him up.  It made him realize how badly he treated me all those years. He told me that he went to counseling to try to work on himself.  He wanted to be a better father, a better person.  He wanted to stay friends.  And I believed him.  I still fell into that trap of wanting to believe he could change and step up, be a better father to our daughter, be a better husband to his next wife.  Maybe he really understood what I went through all those years.  Maybe he was really sorry this time.  It took him taking my dog to the animal shelter and claiming I abandoned it to finally wake up and realize he was never going to change.  It was just a new type of lie and I fell for it all over again.

And I finally got angry.  Really, really angry. And I'm done.  I let the divorce process linger because I didn't want to rock the boat. I wanted us to find a way to come to some sort of agreement.  I wanted to make it easy for him. (After everything, I realize I was still trying to placate him!  I felt so stupid...) I wanted to wait because I didn't want him to get angry at me, because who knows what he'd do.  And I let my fears hold me back for almost TWO years of wasted time when I could've been free so long ago... I should have been divorced already.  I let him run my life and my decisions again.  And it wasn't until he went after my dog.  I said this before and I'll say it again, you don't fuck with someone's dog.  And I'm done.  I'm so done with being nice. I just want it all over.

So, please Dear Reader, if you see me backsliding...  If you see me trying to placate again... Slowing down and putting roadblocks in my way.  If I start making decisions on unfounded fears and "what ifs", stop me and shake me until I come to my senses.  Remind me to stay on the path and walk away from all those bad things in my past.  Thank you in advance...

22. If you are yourself 1 year from the future, how would you advise the you now?

This is an interesting question.  Because I don't know exactly where I'll be a year from now, but I hope it'll be a good place.  A year ago today, I was most definitely not in a good place.  But after awhile, I finally made some changes to take back control of my life and that's been a good thing.

So, now here I am venturing into the unknown. I'm hoping my future self in November 2014 is going to tell me to keep my chin up, all this hard work was worth it.  Look how great it's all turned out!  It all paid off!  I hope my letter will tell me that I was successful, that I got my finances in order, that I have a nice, new place to live that is completely my own to be proud of, that I've got a good life.  I hope FutureAlex says that I'm making better decisions now.  I hope FutureAlex tells me to stop moping and second guessing everything and that things really can work out.  I hope FutureAlex doesn't tell me about staying strong during problems, because I really don't want to have to work through more struggles, but I think at least if I do that this year I'll be better equipped to deal with them.

And most of all, I hope FutureAlex tells me that they'll finally have those flying cars we've all been waiting for... So, start saving your money for the down payment!