I know what I'm bringing to the next Christmas party!

Not only does it have a Christmas cheese ball, but there's even a Valentine's day themed one in the background.  With green olives.  Green olives are EVERYWHERE in these recipes.

Christmas is coming!

Despite what the picture looks like, I swear that there is no ground beef in this... pudding.  Happy Holidays!

Everything goes better with Jello!

Or does it?

Next steps...

Corrections are made for the separation paperwork.  I got the revised documents back in the mail  today, but it looks like Jimmy still hasn't disclosed his finances.  I'm so frustrated.  One more thing to hold things up.  If he doesn't give his financial information to the lawyer when he returns to NY, that's it.  There's no point in negotiating any further, he's just going to drag that out as  long as he can.  I can't help thinking about how I'm struggling when he claims that he's not making anything. Then he texts me a picture of the motorcycle he's building.  Even my daughter knows he's lying about how much money he makes and she's just a kid.  If he doesn't disclose, I'm going to have to formally file through Family Court.  I don't want to have to do it, but I don't think I have any more options.

More Men's Favorites...

Hahahahahaha... No further comment needed.

And so it begins...

Got my legal separation paperwork from the lawyer for review. Looks to only need some minor tweaking before they get signed. Wish me luck...

I stayed...

...because the first night I met him he was so charming and made me laugh.  Because he watched the Princess Bride with me even though I could tell he hated it.  Because he bought me a coffeemaker before we even started dating.  Because he always knew what to say.  Because he was there when I went through a really tough situation and didn't judge me for it (then).  Because he could quote Kids in the Hall. Because I believed him when he said he wanted to be a better person for me.  Because he said I was the best thing that ever happened. Because I thought I could fix all the bad things that happened to him over the years.  Because I saw what kind of person he could've been and was when he chose to be.  Because we got pregnant. Because I married him.  Because I didn't want to be another divorce statistic.  Because every time he hurt me, he was always so sorry afterwards. Because I believed him.  Because when I left him the first time, he promised things would be different.  Because when I went back to him and moved to South Carolina, I didn't have anyone else around me anymore I knew and felt so isolated.  Because when we moved back to New York, I didn't want people to know what was really going on and didn't want people to worry or be disappointed.  Because when I got sick, he took care of me.  Because he was a great cook.  Because he could sing.  Because he told me he'd change.  Because sometimes he did change a little bit.  Because he'd call me lazy, bitch, fatass, stupid, and I started to believe it.  Because he told me he'd take my daughter away if I left.  Because he told me I couldn't make it on my own.  Because I felt ashamed.  Because I really believed if I kept trying hard enough, it would get better.  Because I loved him and I believed him when he said he loved me.  Because I thought the good times would balance out the bad. Because he always knew what to say to bring me back.  Because I didn't want to hear "I told you so" by everyone if I left.  Because I was afraid.  Because he threatened to kill my cat and when the cat died, the vet said it was most likely feline leukemia, but I always wondered...  Because I wanted a family that was whole and not broken.  Because I didn't want to admit I made a mistake.  Because I kept hoping that he'd drive off a cliff and that would just solve everything.  Because he still did nice things for me and I wanted to believe that was the real him.  Because we had a house, a child and dogs and I didn't know how I'd do it all alone.  Because he told me if I left, nobody would want me and only he would put up with me.  Because he would surprise me with baked goods and coffee.  Because he went to see Lord of the Rings with me at midnight because I wanted to, even though I knew he hated it.  Because he said he's acting this way because he got laid off and his mom died and I need to be more understanding of him and his needs.  Because he said he's acting this way because I made him do  it.  Because he wore me down.  Because he taught me how to hang drywall and change the oil on my car.  Because I thought I deserved what I got.  Because I thought if I could  just a little bit better, if I could stop being so stupid, if I could try a little harder, it would be ok.  Because there were times I thought it was better.  Because I loved him.  Because I wanted to make sure that the day I walked out the door, I could honestly say I tried everything I could to make it work.

Sardine?

Hurry up folks, picnic season's almost over!

Wot! Behind the rabbit?

The breakfast really doesn't look all that horrible. I'm more intrigued by the addition of the ceramic rabbit...

Ugh...

I found the most revolting recipe in the Betty Crocker box last night. Words escape me.  I don't even have the ability to come up with a fun title.  The horror, the horror...

Self Realization

I've been spending a lot of time being introspective lately.  I'm not happy with my life and I'm not sure what to do about it.  This year has been about changes and I think I'm waking up to the fact that having all my options open is really scary.  I focused so much on the getting out and recovery, I haven't had time to figure out what's next.  I guess I'm just tired of living day to day and crisis to crisis.  As terrible as it sounds, despite as hard it was being married, there's a part of me that misses the security even if I didn't have the happiness.  I don't know...

Maybe it's time for me to make some bigger changes.

Bad Day

I hate September. I just feel fragile the whole month counting down to the 27th. I lost so much this past year so I think it's affecting me more than usual. I've been trying to stay positive, but it's starting to wear thin.

I feel like a failure. I'm broke all the time to the point where I think I need to apply for reduced lunches for Jaime. That's such a blow to my self esteem. I hate it. I hate struggling. I know it's supposed to get better in the end, but what if it doesn't? What if everything I went through was for nothing? Some days it's just hard to keep going.

I suppose I have to take responsibility for my situation. I made a lot of mistakes over the years. Now all that has come back to bite me. I wish I had made better choices. I wish I wasn't stuck in the situations I'm in. I wish I could have done better.

Wherein Alex revisits recipes that will most likely never be found on Pinterest.

I have to say, these Betty Crocker recipe cards were a goldmine.  Today we visit, Recipes Children Can Make.

Now, I'm pretty sure no child likes meatloaf in the first place.  I never did, and it was a universally acknowledged truth that my mother made the best meatloaf ever.  I cannot understand who would think it would be a good idea to wrap the meatloaf around hard boiled eggs.

This disproves the theory that anything with bacon is edible.  Maybe the horror of this picture is due to the poor lighting, but I don't believe it.  I believe there are cheese nightmares in my future.

I'm sure the cookies are good. However their presentation with the scary Poltergeist clown kind of ruins it for me...  

I think I may revisit more man friendly recipes next.  After all, men love their potatoes...

It's got raisins in it. You like raisins.

Today at work I found a horrifying collection of Betty Crocker recipes circa 1971.  So horrifying... they're awesome.  So, I had to rifle through and take a few shots.

Mmm... nothing says dinner like Crusty Salmon Shortcakes.  The olive garnish on top is an especially nice touch.  This is supposed to be a memorable treat to wow your party guests. I agree that it will certainly leave an impression.

But, what about a nice apertif? Let's look under Men's Favorites...

This is some sort of cocktail called Pow! Yes, the exclamation point really is part of the name.  To make a glass of Pow! requires 2 cans of beef broth, 1 cup water, 1 1/4 teaspoons horseradish and 1/4 teaspoon dill weed.  Add a celery "swizzle stick" for garnish and you've got yourself a nice man pleasing mug of meat juice.

Wow they even manage to make ice cream look revolting...

Stay tuned for Part 2 - Stuff to make with kids...

Sorry I caused all that cancer

So, next week will be the four year anniversary of my father's death from lung cancer. Despite the fact that it's been several years, I still think of him every day.  It's especially hard considering the troubles I've been going through lately. I could use his presence in my life right now to keep me steady and on track.  One of my regrets is that I caused my father undue stress and worry about me and my life choices.  And I wish that he could be here to see the steps I've taken over the past year to move on with my life on my own.  It's been especially hard because he understood better than anyone else has.  I didn't have to say anything, he just knew and he brought a quiet peace to me when I needed it.  I loved my dad because he loved me without any judgement.

As I've alluded to before, September is a very difficult month because as I approach that anniversary all those memories come flooding back.  Some of that time was like being trapped in a fog of pain that I just couldn't find my way out of.  Cancer is a terrible thing.  The pain of watching a person waste away, to know you cannot do anything to stop it, it's indescribable.  I don't ever want to see another loved one go through it again.

But what bothered me most was when people ask about dad and I would tell them about the cancer, the first question was almost always, "did he smoke?"  And I know people didn't mean it to offend, but let me tell you, it pissed me off every single time. It was an unspoken statement that somehow he had brought it upon himself.  I remember my anger when we were struggling to give Dad the care he needed, to pay for his medications, to get financial assistance.   I heard so many times that there's money for breast cancer, but not lung cancer. There's no funding for lung cancer because people don't see it as a desirable cause to fund.  This despite the fact that lung cancer is much more lethal than breast cancer.  It's just the pink ribbon brigade has better PR.  Why bother with lung cancer?  If people didn't smoke in the first place, they wouldn't get it.

Well, you know what? You should bother with it because it kills people.  It killed my dad.  And my dad didn't deserve to go through the suffering he did.  He didn't deserve to waste away like he did. And I don't care if it was because he smoked.  I loved him and he's gone and every time someone asks, "did he smoke" it's like a knife in my heart. Again and again and again...

http://noonedeservestodie.org/

Days like this...

I wish my dad was still alive and that I could just sit quietly in the library with him, reading and watching cooking shows. I need someone to be a calming presence for me with all my worries of the future.

Harder Better Faster Stronger

So, this weekend I braved a nasty chest cold to run in the Ithaca 5 and 10.  I probably should have skipped it, but I had been planning on running this race for months and had already paid my entrance fee so I was determined to run.  And I am glad I did push through and do it.  It certainly wasn't easy, but I did it.

I ended up with a 5 mile time of 51:32, averaging 10:19 a mile.  Not the greatest, but at least somewhat respectable, especially considering I was still feeling sick.  So, I'll take it. It'll give me a benchmark to work with for my next race.  That one's going to be a trail run, which I always enjoy.

I think I like running because so much of it is based on willpower and endurance.  I've never been the fastest person, but I have the ability to just keep pushing along. I was talking to my daughter about long distance running and I couldn't give better advice other than to just say, "You just keep running."  It's so simplistic, but it's really all I do.

I think about this because I have a lot on my plate in my personal life and I have a lot of obstacles coming up.  I guess I need to put my advice for running to heart and utilize it in life. No matter what comes my way I'm just going to have to tap into that stamina and keep running.

Welcome to Shawshank

So, to backtrack to a week ago, I recently got back from a mini vacation to Ocean City. On the way down, we took a few hours to stop in Philadelphia to check out a place I've wanted to visit for years, Eastern State Penitentiary

 This behemoth was actually right in the middle of a very pleasant residential district.  Just imagine waking up to that every morning...  It even had a school and playground right next door.  Awesome. I also was impressed with the fact that I got free parking.  In fact, I was very impressed by Philadelphia in general.  I know I missed out on the skeevier areas, but the parts I saw were beautiful, the traffic is workable and I just felt a good vibe from the city in general.  For some odd reason it kind of felt like a place I could come home to.  

But my main goal was the prison.  I came to Eastern State Penitentiary hoping for lots of decay and general creepiness and I'm happy to say it did not disappoint.  

Death Row

We took the self guided tour, which was narrated by none other than Steve Buscemi.  Another point added for awesomeness...  Although they have a recommended starting point, it's not really necessary and there's just so much to wander around and explore.    As you hit different markers, you have the option to listen to clips about the history of the prison, the architecture, some of the famous inmates and such. They also have scheduled mini-tours where a guide will talk more in depth about different sections of the prison, including a tour of the pit where they kept the worst prisoners in solitary.


I also liked the art installations. While we were there, they had put in a series of stained glass windows called "The Battle of Carnival and Lent" by Judith Schaechter.  Very creepy, yet beautiful. It was nice to suddenly come upon something like this unexpectedly.  It is so easy to spend hours here.

Not only that, it managed to entertain two 13 year old girls, which is high praise, indeed. I think their main interest was more in the creepiness factor (I admit it, so was mine), but they did seem to take a real interest in actually learning about the prison.  I was pleasantly surprised to see the one area that captured their interest the most was a presentation about the lives of transgender prisoners and the difficulties they face. They were quite touched by it. It made me realize how far we have come in our society (though we still have a long way to go) that our children are able to learn about things that not long ago was not even talked about, much less accepted.

And I got to see the main thing I came for. Al Capone's cell.

The guide told us that his bodyguard was housed right next door.  I guess being rich doesn't hurt too badly when you're in prison.

Overall, it more than met my expectations and was able to get my fill of creepy prison photos.  Jaime is already talking about a return trip to take the Terror Behind the Walls tour for Halloween.  It does sound tempting...

To Have Me Crystalised

September is generally a maudlin month for me already, so I suppose I'm dwelling a lot on the past. One of the things I didn't realize about divorce for a long time was that I needed to mourn for my marriage.  It's a stage I ignored because I was the one who chose to leave, so in my mind it didn't occur to me to be anything other than grateful to finally be out.  And everyone was so happy for me, I should be happy.

And I was happy.  I now have the freedom to make so many decisions that I didn't have for years. I can choose to live my life any way I want. It's a wonderful thing.  I certainly don't regret leaving and I know I did what I needed to do.  At the same time, I feel regret over a lot of things. I'm the type of person that likes to fix things. And I married someone who was damaged and spent well over a decade trying to fix that damage.   I married my husband believing it was forever, believing that I could somehow find a way to make it work and as the years went on, constantly trying to keep things smooth wore on me and eventually caused me to shut down. To just shut out all the pain and focus on just making it through the day.  I look back at all those years and think of all the time I spent trying to keep things together and I feel such a sense of regret.  Then guilt, because I should have left so long ago. But I stayed out of love and out of hope that things would change.  If I just tried a little harder, things would get better.  I pushed myself to be as good as I could be and it was so draining. I don't know how I made it through sometimes when I look back.

And that's where people get confused. I hear that question so many times about why I stayed as long as I did. I hear the judgement in it and it is so painful.  I don't know if I have a better answer than you can't understand unless you live through it.  As hard as staying is, leaving is so much harder. And staying gone is even harder than that.  It doesn't make sense to people outside of it, I know. What I can say is that as terrible as things got, I knew how to survive.  And survival took a lot of energy and a lot of focus. Living in the storm, it's hard to see anything beyond it. It's only afterwards, that you're able to survey the damage left behind.

When I left my marriage, I left a dream of a life I wanted and tried so hard to have. And that dream died.  I still at times feel like a failure for not being able to do better. Whether it's right or wrong, I went in to marriage with the intentions of being married forever.  Of raising a family and building a home.  And I tried so hard to make it happen.  I felt it was my responsibility to make it work.  I can see now that it really wasn't all on me, but it's still hard for me to not feel guilt.  I'm trying, though.

Maybe the sun will shine today

So, after three days away for a mini vacation, I have returned home right when everyone else is going away for Labor Day. I'm weird in that I work a lot on weekends when everyone else is usually off. This is a good thing in that I get to do a whole lot of errands during the week and I also get needed alone time during when my daughter (finally) returns to school next week.  On the other side, I'm also usually working while everyone else is doing cool stuff.  However, taking a midweek vacation right before Labor Day was a financial plus.  I also got a beachfront hotel to stay at for dirt cheap.  Thanks, Priceline!

And believe me, I need a vacation.  Going through divorce is stressful enough, but piled on with financial stress, work stress, personal stress, relationship stress, family stress, insane chasing my insane escape artist dogs down the street stress, etc... I really was about ready to rip my hair out.  I was feeling a huge urge to just GET AWAY. Get away from everything and everyone, even if it was just for a few days.  I just needed to escape. Get somewhere where I could quiet my mind and focus on something, anything other than all the troubles I've been through.  My mother was good enough to help me out and essentially pay the costs of the vacation, for which I cannot thank her enough.

Did it work? I guess for a few days it did.  Standing on the edge of the beach and watching the waves is very calming and I did get a chance to clear my mind at least for a while.

So, even a few days peace was worth it.  At the same time, peace never lasts. The closer I got home last night, I could feel the weight of all my troubles returning.  I hope my time away at least buoys me through a lot of dark times ahead.

Once more into the breach...

So, after a long absence outside of my To Do list, I've decided to try writing again as a method of internet therapy.  Here's why. I've been through a lot of major changes over the past year and I thought maybe writing about it would be a good way to keep me on track through a lot of difficult tasks ahead of me.  Those of you who know me probably already know quite a bit about it. For those of you who don't, you probably here to check out my Willard State Hospital posts...http://samporiffic.blogspot.com/2009/05/and-what-did-you-do-this-weekend.html So, Hi. Welcome.

The number one change was that last December I left my husband, much to the joy of my friends and family. Simply put, he was an ass.  An emotionally abusive ass.  I was not in a good place with him and I was treated pretty badly by him for the entirety of our marriage. However, better the devil you know than the devil you don't, so the act of leaving was not exactly a simple task.  But, after 13 years, I did.  I'm broke, I have a crazy low paying job, a rundown car, my kitchen sink is leaking like a sieve and I am now a single mother of one surly teenager and three insane dogs. I worry every day about how I'm going to make it through to the next. I've had to grovel and accept help from people, which I hate.  But at the same time, I need to count my blessings and remember to use the support that I have.  I'm going to need it.

Leaving was hard. Staying gone is even harder. Nobody understands unless you've been through it. And it took so much for me to just stay out and make it through the days, I kind of lost sight of rebuilding my future. Well, now it's time to take action. Step one is this morning, I'm going to see a lawyer to start talking about drawing up some real legal paperwork. It is absolutely terrifying.  I know it's supposed to be an empowering moment all about "taking back my life", but it is also scary as hell.  I've spent years asleep. I spent months after leaving just trying to put myself back together and now that it's time for action I can only hope that I did a good enough job of it to push me through these next steps, so I don't break apart.

Wish me luck.

To Do, Everyday

So, I read this post on Sean Bonner's blog about a month ago, To Do, Everyday and it inspired me to think about things I would like to do for myself that will make me happy.  I spend a lot of time thinking about work, family, other people's needs, responsibilities and things I have to do, etc...  I forget to focus on things I want to do.  The idea of a simple list to remind myself of little ways to make myself was intriguing.  And of course, this took a back burner to the responsibilities of life.  But here I am on a lovely day, looking for the perfect reason to  avoid mowing my lawn and here I am.  

• Get outside - Sometimes, it's just playing in the dirt (I can't call my poor skills actual gardening), or a walk around the neighborhood.  Jaime also really enjoys accompanying me on walks at night, which is a bonus. But I also love exploring some of the local woods and trails.  The spring weather is definitely has gotten me thinking about taking some interesting geocache excursions, as well.
• Read for enjoyment - I don't do this often enough.  I read a lot, but I tend to do it in spurts and barrel through books. Though some books, I purposely will stretch out when I really don't want it to end.  I've found that taking just a half hour to read is a nice mind clearer, though.  And there's no better feeling than sitting on the couch, cup of coffee in hand and immersed in a good story.
• Unplug - I think this is probably the most difficult task to follow through with, but when I do it I feel so good afterwards.  We're in a world so connected to such a wealth of information and instant communication, as well as gratification, I find myself more dependent on technology than I would have thought possible.  Getting away from it all helps me feel less fragmented.
• Socialize - As someone who tends to be an introvert, I actually have to actively think about this one.  Really.  Not that I don't like people, but it's a bit hard for me to initiate things.  So, I've been trying to get myself out of my comfort zone and be more social. It's had the benefit of helping me realize there's a lot of great people in my life that I get to spend time with, which makes me realize I am an exceptionally lucky person. 
• Zumba!