30. If you are to do something for free for the rest of your life, what would you want to do?

I am going to go with my initial answer, which is not too exciting, but completely honest.

29. What’s stopping you from pursuing your goals and dreams... Why? How can you overcome them?

I don't know if "stopping" is exactly the right word right now.  It may have been a few years ago when I was leading a very different life, but I would like to think I've started to make progress in building my own life, rather than living a life other people expected of me.  I think I'd rather say that circumstances have delayed my goals.

Looking at the list I wrote  a couple weeks ago, I'm actually kind of embarrassed how heavy it is on financial concerns.  Not that I'm asking for outrageous things, well maybe the lake house.  But when people talk about goals and dreams, most people probably get way more philosophical.  They talk about wanting to make broad sweeping changes, experience life changing events, growing as a person...  And I... want a house.

Though, when I say I want a house, I guess it's not all practicalities. I mean, I already have owned a house.  But it never really felt like my house in the way it should.  It always felt more like my ex-husband's house.  It was more of being along for the ride in his dream.  It didn't feel so much like it was our dream.  And that was indicative of a lot of things in our marriage.  It usually came down to us pursuing things that he chose instead of making joint decisions. Which I know contributed a lot to the marriage not working out.  I didn't get a lot of say in what I really wanted, I was just was living someone else's dream.

So, I guess that's what's delayed things.  I need to make sure I'm making choices based on what I really want, not what other people want me to do. I need to develop the confidence that I can actually achieve those things, as well.  So, I'm going to start with the Tough Mudder.  Maybe it's a silly choice to focus on, but it's also a goal I've talked about for two years and that's just too long. It's time for me to put away the excuses and just suck it up and get moving.  I have to admit, the additional benefit of getting in better shape is also a motivator...  But the Tough Mudder is the perfect mixture of hard work and crazy, so why not?  Strangely, that's probably a really good description of myself.  No wonder...

In case you're tired of leftover turkey

This is why people are afraid of clowns...

Thought it was time to lighten the mood from all that self-analysis. So, I welcome the return of the Betty Crocker recipe cards!

28. What are your biggest goals and dreams?

So, I just answered a question about opportunities, I went through my bucket list, I identified what's most important to me...  I guess this is where I start to put it all together.  So, what are my goals and dreams?

• I want to be debt free.
• I want a home that I can call completely my own.
• I want to travel across the country by car.
• I want to visit every Disney park (I never pretended all my goals were going to be serious).  Two down so far...
• I want to own a lake house.
• I want to see my daughter graduate from college and become something better than I am.
• I want to be more self-sufficient.  As much as I've learned it's ok to accept help from others, I still pride myself on being able to take care of my own business.
• I want to run that Tough Mudder I keep putting off.  I am determined that I will not let 2014 go by without doing it. 
• Walk the Camino de Santiago (yes, I know this is already on my bucket list)
• Have a home where I feel safe and content no matter what comes my way.

That's a decent start.

27. How can you create these opportunities?

Now, this...  this is where my problem is.  Most of my opportunities seem to have come to me, rather than me seeking them out.  Don't get me wrong, I've still experienced a lot of great things.  My willingness to say yes to those opportunities that have presented themselves has led me down some interesting paths.  I'm always willing to try something new that comes along because I figure even if it works, it'll still be an interesting experience.  One of the reasons, I never get afraid about getting lost. Something always shows up that's sometimes even better than what I originally planned.  But I think I've also missed out on a lot by not taking charge and forging my own path.  Searching out my own opportunities.  So, the question is? How do I start?

Well, one of the first things I have to do is allow myself to be more social.  I swear, I'm not a hermit.  I do go out and do things.  But it's usually just within my small circle of friends.  So, I know I need to make an effort to become more socially adept.  By increasing my social sphere, I know in turn it will help me forge more connections.  And then those connections can grow into more opportunities, both on a personal and a professional level.  It's just hard to put yourself out there. But in order to work towards larger professional goals, I need to motivate myself to become more social.  And I'm not terrible at it, it's just that as an introvert, it's terribly terribly draining...

I need to learn to take more chances.  I need to explore more.  I need to be more adventurous and take more risks.  Maybe sky diving!  (no, not really...) But I do need to allow myself to grow more and not get stuck in a rut.  I'm not going to find adventure sitting at home with my books and my dog.  I need to find less things to say no to and figure out how to say yes.  i know, it sounds like a platitude, but there's a lot of things I've put off for no good reason and time's slipping by.  I already wasted too much time on things and people I shouldn't have.

I want to be more honest with people instead of hiding what I'm really thinking and feeling.  That's even scarier.  Just writing this blog has been scary.  I know, everyone's favorite topic is themselves... But I've found this experience of putting my life on view to be a very discomfiting experience.  But, it's also been good for me.  It's like putting thing on view makes me more responsible to live up to what I'm saying, even if it's to an audience of mostly strangers.  I'm hoping that this will allow me to take more chances in the future because I need to back up what I say. And hopefully as a result, it will bring on new, sometimes uncomfortable and hopefully rewarding experiences and opportunities.  Anyways, it's a start.

26. What opportunities are you looking for?

I do like the word opportunities vs. goals.  It sounds much more appealing.  More like an adventure I'm about to start...  I like that.

So, what am I looking for?  I'm looking for adventure!

I am...  I really am.  Life is scary, I think I've spent a lot of time moaning about my worries and fears during quite a few of these 101 Things posts.  But, despite all my fears I also think that one of my greatest strengths is my capacity to look on the bright side even when things are rough.

And if you don't appreciate this joke, I'm sorry to tell you this, but you are no longer a friend of mine...

I want adventure, but I am also realistic.  I need security, too.  I need to feel safe, so I can take chances. It sounds counterintuitive, but it isn't.  I want to have a safety net, so that way I can feel more confident in taking more chances.  I have taken some steps into unknown territory with my new job.  And so far, that's paid off. I think moving into insurance has been a good move for me.  I feel like I'm still able to help people, but I can also grow career-wise,  as well.  I  like the fact that I'm embarking on my own path for once, rather than what other people want me to do.  I want to stretch my wings further. 

I don't know if I can rattle of specifics right now. But I do want the opportunity to explore my options further.  I want to be able to try new things, go new places and take more time just for me.  I want to try things outside of my comfort zone and not be so afraid to fail.  I want to explore.  I want my adventure.

25. What are your Quadrant 2 tasks?

Now, most people probably don't know what a Quadrant 2 task is.  Neither did I until I started this exercise.  It's part of a time management system that is supposed to help you manage your time better by organizing and prioritizing your tasks and goals.  And I have a chart!

I really only have a superficial understanding of all this, so I'm not going to go into a deep explanation.  But, the idea is Quadrant 2 is where you are setting your long term goals. The is where your building blocks for the future reside and where you're identifying steps for your goals and setting deadlines. It's also an area I'm sorely lacking in.

I spend lot more time in Quadrant 1, working on my short term goals, reacting to issues that come come up and thinking on my feet.  And that's not necessarily a bad thing, because one of my skills is that I do very well under pressure.  There's a part of me that even enjoys that rush when I come across a difficult problem, people want help NOW and I'm the one who can fix it.  It's one of the reasons I was so good at my job at DSS.  I was always the person that was called out to deal with the complex situations, the toughest cases and most difficult people. The down side of it was that it also burned me out.  I never got to relax and I lost sight of taking care of myself so that I could continue to take care of business.  That's why I'm working on trying to reduce my stress and slow down.  I don't want to burn out again.

Long term planning is not something I'm good at.  It's really hard thinking about all these plans.  It's hard to reframe my thinking and planning from what do I need to take care of today vs. what do I need to plan for to be where I want in five years?  I admit, I've not put enough thought into how I'm going to achieve what I want.  I don't even know where to start in some areas, I think I just trust that if I take it day to day, the solutions will present themselves.  It's more of a haphazard way of thinking, but it's also taken me down some interesting paths.

I worry too much planning will restrict me.  (It's also important to keep in mind when it comes to Quadrant 2, that one has to make sure not fall into the trap of scheduling and planning everything, otherwise you get bogged down by it and lose out on other opportunities that may arise. Everything in balance...) I like having the freedom to make the choices as they come and see where it leads me.  But I also have to start taking more long term responsibility. I just got licensed as an insurance agent.  I don't want to treat it as just another job, I want it to be a career and an opportunity for growth.  I like the fact that I can continue to help people, while I'm also doing something that's going to make me more financially stable.  It's nice to see myself not struggle so much and actually be able to put some money down towards my debts.  But I also still see that goal as me still focusing on the immediate vs. the long term. And although I want to have a better life and a family, I just haven't identified all the steps on how to achieve it.  So, maybe for now my Quadrant 2 is still in the information gathering and analysis stage so I can formulate a doable plan.  It doesn't sound like a lot, but I suppose even the smallest step is better than none.

24. What are you busy with today? Will this matter 1 year from now? 3 years? 5 years?

Good lord... How am I not busy lately? I feel like my life lately is filled with nothing but business. It's almost impossible to breathe sometimes. What am I busy with? A complete career change, planning for my financial stability and getting rid of my debts. Trying to be a good mother, a good daughter. Trying to navigate the maze that is my personal life.  I'm busy trying to make everything better, make myself better.

Will it matter years down the line? I suppose that depends on whether I'm making the right decisions right now. I hope I am. All I really want is to feel some stability. To feel safe that my choices are good ones. That I'm laying the ground work for a better life. One where I can feel like I've accomplished something and that I'm loved and I'm happy. I hope I'm on the right path, but I'm feeling a lot of doubts about whether some of the things I've chosen to put my faith in won't end up hurting me in the end.

I hope in a year from now I'll feel a bit more secure. I hope in three years, I'll have some accomplishments under my belt. I'm hoping by five, I'll have built a home and a life to be proud of. But I've had those hopes before and they didn't work out. I don't want to fail again. I don't want to think that the goals I'm working towards are just as illusory as my old goals were. I guess I'll have to wait and see.

23. Is there something you’re still holding on to? Is it time to let it go?

Wow, these questions never get easier, do they?  I'm odd in that I find it much easier to forgive other people than I do myself. I can let go of things very easily that people do to me and give them chance after chance after chance, but I don't provide myself that same privilege.  I can't let go of my own faults very easily, my own misconceptions and doubts about my abilities.

Here I am in what should be the prime of my life.  I've had an incredible streak of good fortune in the past few months and I still continue to wait for it all to disappear.  I can't trust in it. I live every day thinking something or someone is going to come along and take it away and tell me I'm not worthy of it.  It's a scary thought.  There is a part of me that knows I've earned some of the good things that come along, but I have to also admit that I need more reassurance that it's real.  I need to let go of my old beliefs that I'm not good enough.  I need reminders that I deserve good things in my life.  And for now, I'm pretty good at acting the part, at least, in hopes that I'll come to believe it.

Also, I suppose my ability to give people chances is often counterproductive.  I held on to the hope that I could make my marriage work much, much longer than I should of.  Holding on to that dream that if I just tried a little harder to be better I could fix it well beyond the point that a normal person would have ever done so. Even after I left, I never really left completely.  I still held onto that hope that we could somehow be friends and find some common ground. He told me that when I walked out, it woke him up.  It made him realize how badly he treated me all those years. He told me that he went to counseling to try to work on himself.  He wanted to be a better father, a better person.  He wanted to stay friends.  And I believed him.  I still fell into that trap of wanting to believe he could change and step up, be a better father to our daughter, be a better husband to his next wife.  Maybe he really understood what I went through all those years.  Maybe he was really sorry this time.  It took him taking my dog to the animal shelter and claiming I abandoned it to finally wake up and realize he was never going to change.  It was just a new type of lie and I fell for it all over again.

And I finally got angry.  Really, really angry. And I'm done.  I let the divorce process linger because I didn't want to rock the boat. I wanted us to find a way to come to some sort of agreement.  I wanted to make it easy for him. (After everything, I realize I was still trying to placate him!  I felt so stupid...) I wanted to wait because I didn't want him to get angry at me, because who knows what he'd do.  And I let my fears hold me back for almost TWO years of wasted time when I could've been free so long ago... I should have been divorced already.  I let him run my life and my decisions again.  And it wasn't until he went after my dog.  I said this before and I'll say it again, you don't fuck with someone's dog.  And I'm done.  I'm so done with being nice. I just want it all over.

So, please Dear Reader, if you see me backsliding...  If you see me trying to placate again... Slowing down and putting roadblocks in my way.  If I start making decisions on unfounded fears and "what ifs", stop me and shake me until I come to my senses.  Remind me to stay on the path and walk away from all those bad things in my past.  Thank you in advance...

22. If you are yourself 1 year from the future, how would you advise the you now?

This is an interesting question.  Because I don't know exactly where I'll be a year from now, but I hope it'll be a good place.  A year ago today, I was most definitely not in a good place.  But after awhile, I finally made some changes to take back control of my life and that's been a good thing.

So, now here I am venturing into the unknown. I'm hoping my future self in November 2014 is going to tell me to keep my chin up, all this hard work was worth it.  Look how great it's all turned out!  It all paid off!  I hope my letter will tell me that I was successful, that I got my finances in order, that I have a nice, new place to live that is completely my own to be proud of, that I've got a good life.  I hope FutureAlex says that I'm making better decisions now.  I hope FutureAlex tells me to stop moping and second guessing everything and that things really can work out.  I hope FutureAlex doesn't tell me about staying strong during problems, because I really don't want to have to work through more struggles, but I think at least if I do that this year I'll be better equipped to deal with them.

And most of all, I hope FutureAlex tells me that they'll finally have those flying cars we've all been waiting for... So, start saving your money for the down payment!

21. What advice would you give to yourself 3 years ago?

Three years ago...  It's not really that much time, but it seems so far away.  Which is odd when I feel like time is moving by so quickly at the same time.  Maybe all the changes over the past few years have just blurred everything.  In fact, I had to log onto Facebook just to remember exactly what was going on in 2010.  Thanks, Timeline!

So, back then I was still with my husband, still working at DSS, and Jaime was still in elementary school.  That was also the year I ended up with a litter of puppies, which of course also brought my greatest love into my life. Yes, I'm talking about the dog...

I mean come on...  Look at that face.  How can you not fall in love with that face?

So,  I got one excellent change out of 2010.  So, my first piece of advice to myself would have been, "Stick to your guns!  You're doing the right thing by keeping the dog! "

2010 was also interesting because I think at the time, I thought I was happier than I really was.  I was so  busy, so stressed out and caught up in the storms that I couldn't see clearly what was really going on in my life.  I wish I could have told 2010 Alex that the money wasn't worth it and that the stress was eventually going to bring me down so, get out while you still can.  I think it would have saved me a lot of trouble down the line.  I would have told myself that it's time to get the things that cause me stress out of my life and not keep myself so busy all the time.  Keeping busy just keeps you distracted because you're not giving yourself time to stop and think about what's really happening.

I would have told myself that I'm worth more than what I put up with. I would have said to let go.  I would have said that all the things I thought would've happened weren't real and that I'm strong enough to handle things on my own.  I would have told myself to have more faith that things could be different and the security I thought I had wasn't worth what I had to do in order to keep it.  I would have told myself that the real security is in taking matters into your own hands and that people will pick you up when you fall down.  I would have told myself that you're not as alone as you think you are.

And most of all, I would have told myself that no matter what happens, no matter how low you feel, things really do get a little better eventually.  So just suck it up and drive on.

20. What are the biggest things you’ve learned in life to date?

• A real martini is made with gin, not vodka.  I blame James Bond for this. 
• Your friends are way more understanding than you think of your faults. Chances are they probably know a lot more than you think despite your best attempts to hide your problems.
• I should have started saving for my future much earlier than I did.  That said, it's also never too late to start. 
• Not to be so hard on myself. 
• Always take lunch. Working without a break just burns you out. You need to take a break sometimes to refresh yourself and be more productive.  
• There's nothing wrong with wanting to spend time alone. It  doesn't make you weird and antisocial. 
• There's nothing wrong with doing something nice for yourself. It doesn't make you selfish. 
• Try new things, but also don't feel bad with going back to things you know that comfort you. 
• You can't change other people. And you can't take on their problems for them. There's a point where you just have to let that go and live your own life.
• My sense of humor has been the one thing that has gotten me through some of my worst times. That and Zumba. 
• There is only way to order a steak. Rare. Any other way is wrong. Very, very wrong.   
• Allow yourself to be happy about small things. 

19. What would you do today if there is no more tomorrow?

Hey wait, didn't I just answer this question over the course of a week?

Or at least that was my initial thought reading it.  Again?  I have to go through all that again?  Thinking of your potential demise is not the easiest thing in the world.  But then I thought about it further and I realized that maybe the point is now that I had to break things down like that, this question is no longer as daunting as it initially sounds.

Going through this exercise helps to clarify a lot.  Especially what's important and what's not in the grand scheme of things.  Yesterday at work I was really excited because I felt like I was making progress in my job.  Newly licensed, starting to make sales, getting a better handle on the product and meeting my goals. I felt really good.  But when it's broken down, it's not the sale that made me happy.  It's the accomplishment. I'm proud of the fact that I entered a brand new territory well out of my comfort zone and I am doing pretty well so far.  It makes me want to take more chances and try more things.  I want to be more open to new experiences.

But we're talking  about today right now...  Not tomorrow.  Well, mainly because the point of today's question is that tomorrow isn't there.  So, I know at least today I can look back and feel good about taking those steps to own my life and my decisions.  So that's a good thing.  I can make peace with the fact that I may have not accomplished everything I want to do, but the fact that I've started is most definitely a good thing.  So I can live with that if today is my last day.

I also want to make sure that I have a day where I'm surrounded by what makes me happy and who makes me happy.  That was pretty well spelled out already, but looking back I am glad to see that certain things I would do always pop up.  The first thing I always thought of was that I always wanted to do something special with the one person who is the most important person in my life.  And that's Jaime.  As much as she is in her obnoxious teenage years, she will always be my first priority even if she doesn't believe it.  (After all, in her mind, the fact that I refused to buy her $120 sneakers means I don't love her. And really $120 for SNEAKERS?  WHO DOES THAT?  The kid must be insane...)  It helped me identify my most basic needs.  And when it comes down to it, I just want to be around my friends, my family and my dog.  And I want to go out enjoying the things I like best.  Sounds pretty good to me...

17. and 18. If you had one hour left to live what would you do? One minute?

Hour

• Screw you, George R.R. Martin! I've been harassing you for a year now and got nothing.  I'm not wasting my last hour on you. (Unless he pulls through and then, thank you!) I'm going to spend my last hour with a Martini, my friends, family and my dog watching Doctor Who. 

Minute

• Hey...  Hey, you. Yeah you. I love you. Bye. 

15. and 16. If you have one week left to live, what would you do? One day?

One Week:

• I should probably get those lyrics to the Barenaked Ladies song down pat!  I've only got one week to sing "Gotta see the show, cause then you'll know the vertigo is gonna grow, 
  cause it's so dangerous, you'll have to sign a waiver" perfectly at karaoke.  That's a tough song to get the lyrics right on.
• Get Jaime in the car and let her pick the destination for our last road trip. It will of course, be food related.  I'm guessing she'll pick a drive to Brooklyn to get a roast beef sandwich at Brennan and Carr because she saw it on Man vs. Food and immediately texted me that we needed to go because she thinks it "looks like it tastes like love."  I understand perfectly what she's talking about when it comes to the ultimate meal...
• One last weekend to escape from everything.
• Finish those last books I've still got hanging.  
• Beg George R.R. Martin to tell me how the books end.

One day:

• One last walk in the woods with the dog.
• Filet mignon at Moretti's with my family.
• Probably lots of drinking.  Friends welcome.
• Beg George R.R. Martin to tell me how the books end.

14. If you have one month left to live, what would you do?

• Shave my head.  I've always been curious what I'd look like and it's just long enough for me to get an idea.
• Sing karaoke.  Never done that either and I have a feeling that I'd want to do it again once I tried it.
• Take Jaime to Germany to show her where she was born.  And of course, to get a doner kebab.
• The best vacation I ever spent was right before I joined the Army.  I got in my car with no destination in mind except that I was going to go south.   I also decided that I was only going to go places where I didn't know anyone because saying goodbye to everyone was getting draining. Every day I looked through my travel books and picked a new destination.  I want to do that again, except this time I'll go west.
• Throw a big party after I get back from said vacation.
• Make all my favorite foods one last time.  Guinness cake, spanikopita, pot roast, etc...
• Try to repair things with certain people.
• Tell others exactly how I feel on things I've been holding back on.
• Beg George R.R. Martin to tell me how the books end.

13. If you have one year left to live, what would you do?

• Take Jaime to Universal Studios so we could see Hogwarts together.
• Walk the Camino de Santiago
• Make sure my mom's house is fixed up and taken care of.
• Reconnect with the people I've let fall by the wayside.  Tell them I'm sorry.
• Spend a lot of time in the woods.
• Learn to play the guitar.
• Work at summer camp one more time.
• Read all the books I've been meaning to get to.
• Find the perfect Manhattan.
• Finish Skyrim!
• Beg George R.R. Martin to tell me how the books end.

12. Look at your life now. Are you living the life of your dreams?

I'm trying to imagine how anyone could really say, "Yes! Yes I am!"  In fact, if someone says this, you know they're lying.  Nobody is living the life of their dreams.  If I was, I would be sitting on the deck of my beachfront home in Hilton Head right now, relaxing with a book and hot mug of coffee.  Later to be replaced by a nice cold beer once it hits a reasonable hour...

So I'm going to get it out of the way right now that I'm not going to feel bad for saying no because the whole point of dreams is to imagine all the possibilities no matter how outlandish.  And who knows?  Maybe I will hit the lottery and I can get that place in Hilton Head.  In Sea Pines, of course, because that's where Harbour Town is.   And the Salty Dog Cafe.  I really need to save up for a trip to Hilton Head...  Now here is where we hit reality.  I can't live in Hilton Head, but I think it's a pretty reasonable goal to visit there again.  So, I think the important thing is to redefine that when I'm talking about dreams, what I really should mean is goals. Am I working toward goals that are going to help me get closer to living the life of my dreams?  That, I think I can answer yes to right now. Or at least I can be pleased that I'm in the process.

I've been working very hard to think about building vs. constantly reacting and shoring up the damage in my life.  Last year was about loss.  I lost so many things.  And I couldn't get past the constant chaos in my life.  I was completely in survival mode.  How am I going to manage my house? My child? My job? My relationships? How could I juggle all these things without going completely insane? I was just overwhelmed to the point that I couldn't think and see clearly.  And I took a really hard fall because of it.

This year is about rebuilding.  This year started out with my finally hitting my rock bottom and having to face the fact that I couldn't fix things unless I made some drastic changes.  I was very lucky to have people step up and help me get back on my feet.  I was especially lucky that there were people that took the step to reach out to me when I was too embarrassed to ask for that help.  And it turns out it was a good thing.  So, here's to working towards living that life of my dreams...

11. What is your ideal self? What does it mean to be your highest self?

What is my ideal self?  And what does that mean? This is a hard one.  I suppose part of it is to live up to the best aspects of the people around me.  I want to have the determination of my mother to drive me through the difficult times.  I want to show the quiet caring and honesty of my father.  I want to be as well-rounded as my brother.  I want to be as understanding as my best friend.  I want to be as caring as those that have shown me care over the years, even when I wasn't able to accept the help they wanted to offer.  Maybe part of being my ideal self is to be able to live up to the lessons I've learned from watching others.  I want to embody the best of them.

10. How can you love yourself more today?

I believe I may have partially answered this question already in the last post, but not in a very specific way.  I know I have to be easier on myself and not believe the worst.  So, here's the things I can do today:

• Remind myself that I'm worthwhile and I've had a lot of good things too, despite the bad.
• Remind myself of the positive steps I've taken and that I do deserve to be happy.
• Do more nice things for myself.
• Stop and question when I'm feeling down if it's real or if it's stuff that I'm holding onto that other people have told me.
• Relax.
• Let go.

Sounds simple, I suppose. But the letting go part is hard. Even when it's something that might not be good for me, I'm holding onto a lot of familiar patterns and ways of thinking because it's what I know.  Letting go and starting fresh is scary.  I think the things I've been doing have been starting to pay off, but I still worry.

And now, I'm about to move out of my house (at least on a temporary basis).  Jaime's dad is going to come in and spend some time with her.  I don't know how it'll work, but it's what Jaime wants and we have been going through a rough period ever since the separation. Jaime has been blaming me for everything and has done her best to make sure I know that she considers it all my fault.  It's hard to have the person that you love most tell you and show you on a daily basis how much anger and contempt they have for you.  It's hard because there's also the other child who you know loves you, but is so confused and doesn't know how to reconcile that with so much anger.  And it sounds terrible, but I'm tired.  Her dad wants to give it a go with her and I need to let him.  I don't have a lot of faith that it'll work out, but I also know that I have fought and tried for well over a year with Jaime and she is not getting better.  And if her dad is serious about actually trying with her, I need to let him try.

It's the hardest thing I've ever done to let her go with her dad.  There's a part of me that screaming inside this is a terrible idea, but there's another part that says if it's what makes Jaime better then it's what I need to do. And maybe taking the stress off of being the main caregiver and enforcer, letting her dad take that over will give her and I a chance to relate on a different level and heal our relationship.  Maybe it'll help me heal, too. I just need to let her go and figure out who's really there for her and supporting her.  Then hopefully, she can make the choice to come back to me on her own.  Or maybe she will be ok with her dad.  If that's what it takes for her to get better, I guess it's what needs to happen.  Just wish me (and especially Jaime) luck.

8. Do you love yourself? … 9. Why or Why not?

So, to be honest...  No.  But I'm trying to.

Though, most people probably wouldn't know this.  I'm very good at pretending I'm doing better than I am. I've had years of practice.  But then again, pretending I was ok when I really wasn't ended up just putting so much stress on me that I basically imploded.  It really wasn't until I admitted to other people how screwed up things were that I was able to take steps to make things better.

And it is getting better. I'm starting to like myself more and trust that I deserve some success and happiness. I still question myself a lot, but I've also improved at checking those assumptions before I let the old patterns get in the way.  It takes a lot of work, though.  It's very hard to love yourself when you've spent well over a decade believing the worst about yourself, whether it's true or not. And it's very hard to love yourself enough to forgive yourself.  I wish I could forgive myself as easily as I can forgive others. It'd probably help me let go a lot easier.

I recently described my life as being like a wobbly chair.  When one leg is shorter than the others, it always keeps me off balance. One leg is work, one is family, one is financial/practical and the last is personal relationships.  And right now some of those legs are a lot steadier than they've been in the past, but I still have some wobbliness.  At the same time, I've also had times where I felt like I was only balancing on one or two legs, so for now I'll take what I've got and hope that continuing to put some more hope and care into myself will grant me further stability.  So, do I love myself?  No.  But I think I'll be able to eventually, so there's that.  And that hope is still better than what I had before.

Question 7: What are your values? What do you represent? What do you want to embody?

So, returning to the 101 questions...  I'm actually in a much better place than I was when I started this project, so I suppose I put it to the wayside.  I have a new job that I really enjoy.  It's a complete change from working in human services over the past decade, plus a few years. It's kind of scary to make such a big change, but exhilarating. I'm slowly getting more financially secure, which is also an added bonus.  Jaime has had a very difficult couple years with all the changes we've been through, but I feel like she's finally starting to turn a corner and that makes home life much easier.  I have a good support network from my friends and family that has helped me get back on track when I felt like a failure.  I had some other personal disappointments have also turned a corner and I'm starting to think that the struggles I went through on that front did serve to make things stronger in the end and brought me back to where I wanted to be as they resolved themselves in a positive manner.  So, yeah. I'm feeling pretty good right now. I hope it continues.

I also have to admit that Question 7 is a really hard question to answer.  I really had to dig deep to think about not only what my values are, but how well am I truly living up to them.  Though, I don't know if there's anyone outside of the Dalai Lama that can say they truly embody everything they strive to be.  So, again, stop being so hard on myself, Alex.

My family was definitely instrumental in instilling core values that carry through me.  We had several "Number One Rules" that were drilled into our heads.  For example:

• 1. Always tell the truth.
• 1. Never quit a job until you get another.
• 1. Always carry a book wherever you go.
• 1. Always pack a blue blazer (or the female equivalent of this)

And it sounds like very basic things, but sometimes the most important basic truths really are distilled down to a simple statements. Telling the truth means you're honest, even when it's hard.  Making sure you have a job means your self sufficient, but also not quitting early gives you drive to hang in there when things are tough.  Sometimes it gets better, but when it doesn't, if you plan for it and make a smart change into something better, you'll have better results then when you just give up out of anger and frustration. Then you're not left floundering.  Reading IS fundamental, it broadens your knowledge. Plus, it gives you something to do when you're stuck in a really long line, your train is late, etc. and keeps you from getting flustered.  And now with the advent of technology, my Nook and smartphone make this even easier!  And with the blue blazer, it's more about always being prepared for any circumstances.  It's also important that you are able to look dapper at a moment's notice. You never know when you might get the opportunity to do something interesting.  Anyways, that's just some of the rules.

I won't lie, I don't follow the number one rules perfectly.  I try, though.  And that's important.  I still think about what my father would say if he were still alive to give me advice. His decades in Boy Scouts definitely instilled a lot of knowledge.  And I am still amazed how many people I run into that tell me how important my father was to them when they were in his scout troop.  It just happened again this weekend.  I think I find it especially amazing because my father was a quiet man, so I didn't realize how much he influenced others until after he was gone and people came out of the woodwork to tell me.  But then again, I don't think my father did the things he did to get appreciation. He just did it because it was the right thing to do.

I want to do that, too.

Sometimes you wanna go...

So, last night after a long night of work, I felt the urge to go to Horigans to unwind with a pint of Guinness, a BLT and a good book at the bartop.

I had just settled in, pulled out my trusty Nook when my friend Katie (who also happens to be the owner) cheerfully called out my name to join her and her family and friends.

And yes, I had a good time, good food and drink. But I also learned tonight's lesson. If you're looking for a place to do some quiet reading, it's probably best not to pick the place where everybody know your name.

At the same time, when your favorite establishment serves something like this, it's also pretty hard NOT to make it your first choice.

Question 6 - How would you describe yourself?

Hmm...  I suppose I'm struggling hard not to describe myself as a failure.  I've been through a lot.  Losing my job, losing my financial stability, losing my faith in myself to a great extent.  Since last summer, I've been dealing with the feeling that everything I've worked with has slipped away.  It got me caught up in a really ugly cycle where I didn't like myself very much and I was starting to believe my life was just going to continue to spiral.  And I hit rock bottom and it sucked.

But when I was at my lowest, a good friend of mine took notice at just the right time and told me I was one of the strongest women she knew.  I don't know how much I believe it myself, but it's still a statement I've been holding on to in order to remind myself that all these struggles will pass.  At least I hope so.

So, maybe calling myself a failure is more my own fractured thinking.  I know I'm harder on myself than I should be and I hold myself up to a much higher standard than I do other people.  As a result, when things don't turn out exactly as they should for me, I can't handle it. I don't like failure. I don't like making mistakes and I end up punishing myself.  I'm trying to be easier on myself, but it's a very hard thing to learn.  I've found it helpful to try to step outside myself and ask how I would judge someone else vs. how I would judge my own behavior.  That way, I can be a little more forgiving of my faults, rather than getting wrapped up in being mad at myself.  

So, right now I'm going to stop calling myself a failure. I'm going to call myself a new soul with a new start to make my life anything I want it to be.  

Question 5: What are the most important things to you in life?

Well, an obvious answer to this question is my daughter Jaime.  She is the person who truly taught me how to love someone unconditionally.  She is the one thing in the world that is completely and utterly mine and I will protect her fiercely.  She is also the most challenging person and teaches me patience and understanding during those moments I'm ready to scream from dealing with the difficulties she presents. She has taught me to be a stronger and a better person, not only for her but for myself.

But I shouldn't stop there because it is such an obvious answer. And there's a lot more to me than being a mother. The fact is, parenthood is hard, time consuming and if that was my only identity, I'd probably go insane.

So for myself, I find my quest to learn new things to be important.  I love soaking in new knowledge. I love learning weird facts.  It doesn't sound like something of great importance, but continuing to deepen my understanding of things provides me with a lot of mental stimulation. And putting myself in the role of "eternal student" reminds me that no matter what, there is still so much in the world to learn and explore.  I think it's helped me continue to have a curious view of the world and allowed me to take more enjoyrment in things when I'm able to understand them better.  So, for me that's important.

In addition, trying to take care of myself physically is important.  I like to be healthy and active. I know I fall down in the area of eating better and that's something I need to pay better attention to, but I try.  Sometimes.  I have made really good strides in working out on a fairly regular basis and have reached the point where I actually feel off-kilter when I'm not working out.  It's also probably the best stress reliever I've found.

So, that's what I've come up with so far...

Take Two on Question 4: What are you most grateful for in life

• I am grateful for the friends and family I have that are here to support me when I need it, and especially the times when they know I need it, but am just too stubborn to ask for it.
• I am grateful that I have a beautiful daughter who is challenging and infuriating to the point that it makes me rip my hair out.  But she is also strong, driven and incredibly bright.  She is caring, silly and makes me laugh.  I guess when it comes down to it, I wouldn't have her any other way.
• I am grateful that my daughter stopped being a vegetarian. I know it's a horrible thing to admit, but I missed my bacon.  Besides, she did it more out of a dare from a friend than actually for any real reasons, so I don't feel as bad about being happy about it.  We will continue to eat more meat free meals, though.
• I am grateful that despite my dire financial straits, I still have a home, food in my cupboards and working transportation.  I at least know that my basic needs are intact and I can build on the rest.
• I am grateful that I have the ability to see the big picture when I'm struggling and have been learning to appreciate the small steps forward to keep me going.
• I am grateful that I have a stress relieving tool in working out.  Between Zumba, running and whatever else I do exercise why, I have found that strengthening my body helps strengthen my mind.  I especially find a peace in running that allows me to clear my head of all my worries, even if it's just for an hour.
• I am grateful that I learned to like dogs.  I had to go waaaay out of my comfort zone to even agree to one dog and I'm glad I did it.  They're wonderful creatures. And there's something to be said for unconditional love.
• I am grateful that neither my daughter nor I have had to deal with any major medical issues.  (Hopefully, that didn't just jinx me!)
• I am grateful that despite everything that has been thrown at me over the years, that I have been able to pick myself up again (eventually) and keep moving forward.  It hasn't been easy, but I always think about the advice of my old drill sergeant to "suck it up and drive on."  Sometimes that's all you can do and sometimes that's enough to at least get you to the next day.
• I am grateful that I developed a better relationship with my brother.  We never got along as children, but some point along the way as adults we realized that we actually liked each other.  =)  It's good to have him in my life.
• I am grateful that I have started to learn to rely on people, rather than keep things bottled in. I still have trouble letting people in, but I'm trying really hard to do better with it.
• I am grateful that I have an opportunity to make my life new. I went through a lot of bad times and rather than beat myself up any more on my past mistakes, I am going to try to focus on starting over and making it better.  I don't know where that will lead, but I am ready to try to do something good. 

A red letter day...

I found something that not even the promise of bacon would tempt me to eat...

By the way, I do have a new blog post kicking around in my head, talking about my first real massage ever...  So, be prepared.  I also will be returning to my gratitude list soon now that I'm in a much better frame of mind (despite the above picture trying to spoil it for me...).

Ahoy!

Well, thanks to a good friend and a long talk today, I'm feeling a little less hopeless.  Every little bit helps...  So, this is just for you (but I'm also happy for anyone who might follow my blog to enjoy, as well... )  Raise a patriotic mug of beer...

Question 4: What are you most grateful for in life?

I'm having a hard time with gratitude right now... This question has just been sitting here, staring at me. I feel selfish and small for not being able to come up with a decent list.  Like I'd be lying to myself by writing it.  I'm not feeling grateful.  And I'm mad at myself for being so weak that I can't bring myself to make a list, but it just seems hollow.  I suppose I should be grateful for still having a house, having my daughter, the dogs, but that's all I've got right now.  I'm still feeling weak.

I suppose I'll take another stab at this one again when I'm in a better place.

Confession

I'm trying really hard to stay positive and focus on forward thinking. My next question is to talk about what I'm grateful for. And I know I should be able to do this, but today is one of my bad days. I can't think happy today, as much as I wish I could. I just feel tired and sad and alone in the world. I wish I could get myself on track. I just don't know how to make it stick.

Question 3: What are the achievements you are most proud of?

This is actually an easy one.  I'm most proud of joining the Army. I joke and tell people I did it in a "moment of temporary insanity", but it was a life changing experience for me.  Graduating from college so many years ago, I was set on a path to grad school because that was what I was expected to do.  It's not something I actively chose and the closer I got to that date,  the more I realized I did not want to go to grad school. I was not ready and I was not even sure why I wanted to go, except that everyone told me that was what I should be doing.  Choosing not to attend grad school was a difficult decision, but I still think it was the right choice.

So, as a result, I ended up moving back in with my parents, still thinking at the time that I was just going to defer for a semester and go to school in January.  I took up two jobs in an attempt to earn as much money as possible for my school nest egg. And again, as January loomed closer, it again became more apparent that I did not want to go to grad school.  Needless to say, my parents were upset and they were pressing me for a long term plan.  

Somehow, the idea of the military popped into my head.  I went down to the recruiters, thinking about the Navy.  However, the Navy recruiter was out to lunch and I was instead intercepted by my Army recruiter, Sgt. Canastero after he spotted me lingering in the hallway trying to figure out how long I should wait.  In that moment, my life was set on a new path.  Long story short, I ended up enlisting as an MP, with a guaranteed posting in Germany.

The Army was both the easiest and the hardest job I've ever had.  They taught me discipline, strength of character and determination.  I learned I could muster the strength to march 10 miles with stress fractures in my pelvis. I could shoot a weapon and surprisingly, I enjoyed it.  That said, it's never made me want to buy a gun, shooting for work and choosing to shoot for pleasure are too very separate things. The Army taught me to dig deep in and move forward when I was faced with difficult challenges.  I still think about my drill sergeant's advice to us to "suck it up and drive on" whenever we were struggling.  Simple advice, but sometimes that's all you can do to get through the day.  I worked hard and I achieved something a lot of people don't get to be a part of.  And those lessons stick with me today.

Question 2: What are you passionate about?

This is a good question...  I rarely use the word passionate when describing something; instead I tend to use less emotional terms.  I'm certainly an avid fan of geeky TV shows like Dr. Who, Star Trek, etc, but I don't think passionate is the proper term for my fandom.  I suppose I could even claim to be passionate about my love of Capt. Picard.  After all, I do own a six-foot cardboard cutout of him.

But, now is not the time to cop out and go with the easy answer. Now is the time to dig deeper...  So, what am I passionate about? I'm passionate about learning new things. I especially love knowing weird, inane facts.  Which also helps with my performance at trivia, so I get a benefit of that.  I'm passionate about needed my own time and space alone. It's something people don't always understand, but too much social activity, too many people, it's draining.  I have a need to take time in my own space.  I'm passionate about needing to reconnect to the outdoors, at least on a minor basis. I'm certainly not one of those people who can hike 20 miles a day and camp out for weeks at a time, but I do find that getting out in the woods for a couple hours can be incredibly healing.  I'm passionate about my daughter, who is the first and only person I can say I have ever loved with complete abandon. The day she entered my life, everything changed.  No matter how many times I want to strangle her (which is pretty frequently now that she's 14 years old), I still have that fierce, overwhelming love and need to protect and care for her.  

I guess that's a good start.

Today's horoscope

"What if you had said something you wanted to say when you had the opportunity? What if you had made a left turn instead of a right when you were traveling yesterday? What if you had stopped yourself from making a critical comment to a sensitive friend? Each and every day is made up of "what if" moments, Aries. You can waste your life worrying about how things would be better if only you had done something differently. But what would be the point of that? What's done is done and there is no time for regret. Live in the moment, because an important opportunity is waiting for you to make your move. Don't live in the past."

Wow, something I needed to hear right now. I keep reading these horoscopes because they're more like daily affirmations right now. I've been in kind of in a dark place and I've been focusing too much on my failures and mistakes. As a result, I went through what I suppose would best be described as a mini breakdown that left me emotionally and physically drained. It actually made me physically ill. I don't want to be that way anymore. I need to refocus. I guess I have a lot of work ahead of me, but I need to make some major changes in my life. And i need to stop beating myself up for all the stupid things I've done and move on. Wish me luck.

Question 1 - Who are you?

You know, you would think this would be an easy question, but it's actually quite hard. I've also been feeling pretty low lately, so by answering it today I'm probably going to be a lot harder on myself than I would on a different day.

So, who am I? I'm a 38 year old mother of a teenage girl and three insane Labrador retrievers. I live in chaos. I'm hoping to be divorced soon and am finding the process emotionally and financially draining.  It's been difficult being on my own and I often feel completely alone in the world, but I still think it's better than being married.  I also have a hard time letting people help me, so I have to take responsibility for the problems that come out of wanting to take everything on by myself, so I don't have to be a burden. As little as I like to ask for help, I'm a person who has spent years working in human services, helping all manner of other people. At least I hope I've helped people. It's a hard job, so sometimes I wonder how much I have accomplished.   I'm a geek.  I know it's now trendy to call yourself a geek, but I really am one.  I've always had a love of the strange and unusual, perhaps because I am strange and unusual.  (Yes, that is a Beetlejuice reference)  I can talk forever about Star Trek, MST3K, video games, Supernatural, Doctor Who, Tolkein, Robert Jordan, Piers Anthony, etc...  But I still don't get steampunk.  I guess that's where my geekdom draws the line.

I hate to discuss how I'm feeling, which is why I'm doing this. I'm much better discussing what I'm doing. But. I'm trying to push myself into exploring stuff that I should in hopes that I can make some changes.  I don't really like who I am right now, so I'm hoping some self analysis will be a good thing to open me up to something better.  I guess I'm just someone who wants to feel like they've been of use in the world and left something positive behind.  I hope I am that person...

101 Questions

2012 was a year of upheaval for me...  I went through a lot of changes and a lot of difficulties.  And frankly, the last half of 2012 sucked. At times, I was just struggling to get through each day, bouncing around like a pinball.  I have been through so much, I think I lost a lot of my self worth.  So, I'm trying to make 2013 a year where I start to make some positive changes.

Anyway, in order to make changes I think I need to take some time for some serious reflection and self analysis.  So, what better thing to do than to bare my soul and put it all out on the internet for all to see?  My project will be to answer all the questions on the Self-Reflection Manifesto.  Let's see where this thing leads me...

Deep thoughts...

I'm starting to think of my daily horoscope app as more of a daily inspiration app. I'm not saying that I really believe horoscopes are actually real. But, whoever is writing them lately seems to be doing a good job of writing things I need to hear so I can move forward in a positive direction. Anyway, this was helpful for me today, so I guess that's all that matters.

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life. This inspirational message has been popular for many years. Today, Aries, it strongly applies to you and your life. Although you can't erase every mistake or every regret, you can learn from what you have been through. There is a particular lesson you now need to embrace to make something wonderful happen. You know what you have to do because you've been thinking about it for quite some time. Take the above quotation seriously - and you can make this the first day of a much brighter and more profitable future."

And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know, my weakness I feel I must finally show.

A bit late to the Welcome 2013 party... I know.

I've spent a lot of time going over 2012 in my head. And it was filled with so much change. And so much struggle. I had some huge highs and awful, awful lows.

Frankly, I look back now and I don't think I can take another year like that. I feel like I spent so much of my time so hurt and wounded. It's like I was being bounced around in a pinball machine. I need to figure out how to get my bearings back. I'm just so tired of bouncing around. All I want for 2013 is some stability.